This has driven many people with lifelong or recently discovered Fetish desires, to suppress, hide, or deny the truth of this critically important dimension of their personality. Our culture offers very few safe places for someone to discuss and learn about how to safely explore this aspect of their desire, or get reliable sex advice. The culture at large would like you to simply…not be that way!  This is similar to the inane thinking about gays and lesbians, before they finally organized and fought for their civil rights to be who they were sexually, starting just 60 years ago. Fetish Sexuality is just beginning this journey to be accepted, honored, respected “normalized”!

Your sexual desire, whatever it looks like, no matter how dark, perverse or taboo, is an authentic and integral part of who you are. It is core to your nature. It is core to your psyche, and ultimately your physical, emotional and spiritual health. It is your truth! Your sexual desires, from sacred to profane, deserve to be honored, encouraged, understood, and safely expressed. And this expression is meant to occur in a safe, conscious, responsible manner with another consenting and consciously engaged adult partner.

Fetish, which can include kink, D/s, BDSM and a wide array of alternative sexuality, is a valid sexual orientation, similar to gay or lesbian orientation. It is innate, inherent, and it does not go away.  

It is yours for life. You cannot disown it. It does not need to be fixed or extracted, though many push it down into shadow, where it may leak out in disturbing, risky, dangerous or compulsive behaviors. Human Eros, of every sort,  is simply irrepressible!

Your sexual truth, like any other aspect of who you authentically are, will not damage you nor those you consciously engage with.

What is damaging and traumatic are the outdated cultural, moral, social, political, legal and religious codes that are intended to make us feel afraid, ashamed, immoral, criminal, pathological, sick, disgusting or dangerous about our sexuality. 

These traumas, shamings and harsh internalized moral judgments inflicted on us as we grew up, have gotten tangled up with our natural sexual desires.  This has left many people frozen, and unable to express their innate desires joyfully, without simultaneously feeling guilty, ashamed or afraid of  their own desires. 

This can leave them feeling stuck psychologically, emotionally and sexually, shut down or disconnected.

The key to coming to terms with who we are in the world of kink is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably and consciously, in a way that is in integrity with the agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompass our core values. 

We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious but powerful negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

The post Becoming the New Norm appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay then…First, the basics.

Masturbation is when an individual stimulates their genitals for sexual pleasure, which may or may not lead to orgasm. Masturbation is common among men and women of all ages and plays a role in one’s healthy sexual development.

People masturbate for many reasons, which includes pleasure, enjoyment, fun, and tension release. Some individuals masturbate alone, while others masturbate with a partner or partners.

Of course, you can find many myths about the “dangers” regarding masturbation. Even though many of these myths have been debunked several times, they seem to keep resurfacing time and time again.

Thing is that these falsehoods about masturbation are not backed up by science in any way, shape or form. There is often no scientific evidence to show that masturbation causes any of the adverse effects suggested.

So, seeing that this is an educational format…Masturbation will not cause:

• blindness
• hairy palms
• impotence later in life
• erectile dysfunction
• penis shrinkage
• penis curvature
• low sperm count
• infertility
• mental illness
• physical weakness
• damages kidneys and causes kidney failure or kidney pain.

Some couples also worry that their relationship must be unsatisfying if either one of them masturbates…This is also a myth as chances are that they were masturbating long before they first met anyhow.

In fact, most men and women continue to masturbate either alone or together when they are in a relationship or married, and many find it an enjoyable part of their relationship.

Masturbating increases blood flow throughout your body and releases those feel good brain chemicals called endorphins and while the male species are more likely to talk about blowing off steam by masturbating, research suggests it is a stress reliever for all sexes.

“So Matthias, now that I know I’m not going to go blind, I can crank it or rub one out with willful abandon, right?”

Whoa…Slow down there One-Eyed Willy…

As I mentioned earlier, masturbation is harmless…However, some may experience chafing or tender skin if they are too rough, but this will usually heal in a few days.

Furthermore, if men frequently masturbate within a short space of time, they may experience a slight swelling of the penis called an edema…Swelling that occurs when too much fluid becomes trapped in the tissues of the body, particularly the skin but also usually disappears within a couple of days.

Before we continue, a disclaimer…

Although I may have worked in the mental health field, let me just point out that I am not a licensed therapist, nor am I a medical researcher.

The following information was gleamed from professional therapists, the Kinsey Institute, the American Medical Association and Biju International (Formally the British Journal of Urology).

Other potential side effects include:

Guilt

Some people who worry that masturbation conflicts with their religious, spiritual, or cultural beliefs may indeed experience feelings of guilt. However, masturbation is not immoral or wrong, and self-pleasure is not shameful.

Discussing your feelings of guilt with a friend, healthcare professional, or therapist that specializes in sexual health might help a person to move past feelings of guilt or shame that they connect with masturbation.

Decreased Sexual Sensitivity

In line with the thought that having too much is not necessarily a good thing, aggressive or excessive masturbation techniques may lead to reduced sexual sensitivity.

If men have an aggressive masturbation method that involves too tight a grip on their penis, they can experience decreased sensation. A man can resolve this over time with a change of technique.

Enhanced stimulation, such as using a vibrator, fleshlight or the like, may increase arousal and overall sexual function in both men and women.

Women who use a vibrator have reported improved sexual function and lubrication, while men experienced an improvement in erectile function.

Be advised that the jury is still out on the following…

Prostate Cancer

Does masturbation increase or decrease the risk for prostate cancer?

My non-professional opinion?

*shrug* “I dunno.”

Researchers need to conduct more studies before they can reach a conclusion.

A study back in 2003 demonstrated that men who ejaculated more than five times each week during their 20s were one third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer than those who ejaculated less often.

Researchers speculate that the reduced risk was because frequent ejaculation may prevent the build-up of cancer-causing agents in the prostate gland.

Another study regarding frequent ejaculation lowering the risk of prostate cancer was discovered in 2016 where researchers found that men who ejaculated 21 times per month or more had a reduced risk of developing prostate cancer.

Why such a specific number? Again, my answer is “shrug”.

However, in contrast, a study in 2008 found that frequent sexual activity during a man’s 20s and 30s increased his risk of prostate cancer, especially if he masturbated regularly.

Like I said earlier, more research is needed.

Moving forward…

There have been cases where individuals masturbate more than they desire (No, really. It’s true!) which may actually…

• cause them to miss work, school, or important social events
• interrupt a person’s daily functioning
• affect their responsibilities and relationships
• serve as an escape from relationship issues or substitute for real-life experiences

Someone who thinks they might be adversely impacted by their masturbation practice should speak with a healthcare professional.

A doctor or counselor may suggest talk therapy to determine ways that they could manage their sexual behavior.

Consulting a sex therapist may also help with coping strategies for excessive masturbation.

What Else Do We Know?

Dr. Judi Chervenak, a gynecologist at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City, has stated that masturbation can relieve postmenopausal sexual issues. According to Dr. Chervenak, the vagina can actually narrow, which can make intercourse and vaginal exams more painful. But masturbation, especially with a water-based lubricant, can help prevent narrowing, boost the blood flow, relieve some tissue and moisture problems, and increase sexual desire.

Masturbation also helps you figure out what you like sexually…Where do you want to be touched? How much pressure feels good? How fast or how slow? Learning how to have orgasms on your own can make it easier to have one with a partner, because you can tell or show them what feels good.

And when you are comfortable with sex, your body, and talking to your partner, you are more likely to feel comfortable protecting yourself against STDs and unintended pregnancy.

So in conclusion…

Masturbation in itself is not unhealthy or bad for you at all. Masturbation can actually be good for your health, both mentally and physically. And it is pretty much the safest sex out there.

So, break out the vibrators, warm up that lube, poach that egg, take that self guided tour, shuck the corn, orbit Venus, scratch Yoda behind the ear (Yep, that is also a term) grab the cucumber, DYI, pet the cat, celebrate palm Sunday and be sure to do your part in celebrating National Masturbation Month!

Happy endings to all and to all a damned good time!

The post Masturbation appeared first on Free the Kink.

OKAY.. shake it off, y’all! What just happened? In a word: Edging. Edging means coming (hehe) super close to orgasm… and then stopping O/ourselves from release at the last minute. It. Is. Intense. It’s torturous. W/we know this. But learning how to Edge O/ourselves is a great skill to master when it comes to making O/our orgasms better.

While the word Edging is fairly new, the technique has actually been around since 1956 when it was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine by James H. Semans. He introduced Edging as the “stop-start method” to help folks last longer before reaching orgasm. Longer sex, better orgasms? Sounds like Edging is a beautiful thing!

So what exactly is the process of Edging? Think of Edging as if being juuuuuust about to jump out of an airplane but then, right before Y/you leap, Y/you stop. Basically, getting to the point of orgasm and BAM!- Y/you stop.

Again, why on earth would W/we even do this? Because when W/we’re able to master this repeatedly — edge, stop, edge, stop — W/we’re building up to have an earth shattering orgasm!!!!

Edging makes for a more satisfying orgasm for women, but also serves another purpose for men. As Mr. Semans points out, Edging for a man helps T/them avoid pre-ejaculating. It not only helps men last longer but also allows T/them to get in tune with T/their bodies just like women. And when men can control when and how T/they orgasm, T/they will be even more able to snatch souls with a satisfied smile on T/their faces! Keep in mind that Edging is an interesting and exciting exploration of O/our bodies, with or without a partner in pleasure.

Most of us can tell when W/we are about to blast off. But it is different for everyone. So before W/we start learning how to Edge, it’s important to know what it feels like when W/we’re heated up and ready to have an orgasm. It generally goes down like this:

O/our bodies will start to feel “amped up.” A racing heartbeat as well as a flushed appearance. Blood will rush to O/our genitals, causing the vagina to get wet and the scrotum to withdraw. At this point, everything in O/our bodies feels more intense. W/we’re ALMOST there!!! And when W/we Edge, this is where W/we should stop — just before orgasm. We feel that bliss. That release of nerves and muscles happens here, as the vagina lubricates even more and the penis ejaculates. This is the stage to avoid when Edging.

How do W/we Edge?

It’s widely recommended that before edging with a partner, W/we start practicing alone first. That way, W/we get to know O/our body’s rhythm better and can figure out exactly what “O/our Edge” feels like.
A few steps that may ease U/us into Edging:

1. Start with a peaceful and sensual environment. Minimize the ALL the outside noise to lessen distractions because the next step is impossible without doing this.
2. Listen to O/our bodies. How does it feel when W/we touch O/ourselves? In what ways do W/we like to be stimulated? How does O/our body respond? What subtle shifts are happening and when? These are good indicators of what to pay attention to when it comes to O/our state of arousal and how close W/we to orgasm.
3. Stop stimulation. When W/we feel like W/we’re about to orgasm, stop! After all…this is the whole point of Edging, remember?
4. Take a break and repeat.
5. CHECKMATE!!!!

Keep in mind that Edging has several benefits and doesn’t really pose any health-related threats to the body. However, it can cause- big word alert!- Epididymal Hypertension in some cases. This is when a person’s testicles feel soreness or aching caused by sexual stimulation that doesn’t end in an orgasm. It can also cause heaviness in the testes. But contrary to popular belief, Edging does NOT cause Erectile Dysfunction.

Edging together can be fun – and FRUSTRATING- AF! When O/our partner(s) know O/our bodies as well as W/we do and vice versa, shit gets REAL, Y/y’all. So pay attention. Study T/them. Edge in front of each other. Send videos, do it live, let the imagination go wild. And of course…COMMUNICATE!!! Bottom line…Edging is about control and release, right?

Okay, y’all…let’s go forth and get O/our Edge on!

~ His Duchess

The post Control and Release appeared first on Free the Kink.

Let’s unpack this a bit, shall W/we?

What this girl just shared is the beginning of an Interrogation Scene. This is a form of BDSM Roleplay where one person attemts to extract information while torturing, teasing and/or punishing the other. This one is particularly popular regardless of the gender of the Tops and bottoms involved because the logistics of the scene are basically the same. The Interrogator uses threats, humiliation and physical pain to extract whatever information they believe the “subject” possesses. The game is over when the they have been “broken” and divulge “the secret.” The length and severity of the scene will vary according to the participants.

It’s important to note that this scene works well for people who already have an established BDSM relationship with their partner(s) as well as those building trust and have already negotiated limits and safewords between them. Interrogation, like many other types of scenes, incorporates several different aspects of BDSM which are discussed and agreed upon between the participants in advance. If any aspect is a problem for anyone involved, the good thing is that every part of the scene from start to finish can be adjusted to accommodate the participants.

Some things you might use:

*Sturdy chair – Preferably one without arms so that the sub’s legs are not prevented from opening. A simple wooden one rather than comfortable modern one, for added effect.

*Wrist and Ankle restraints – Y/you could use whater type Y/ou want, but for this scene they definitely need to withstand escape attempts and squirming lol.

*Connectors – If necessary, something to attach the restraints to the chair.

*Long leather strap – highly recommended, to secure the torso to the back of the chair. Prevents wriggling around.

*Spotlights/lamps

*Table/Tray for all the items needed.

*Nice torture toy – something painful but not too horrible. E.g. a Neon Wand, or TENS unit on a low setting

*Mean torture toy – something a bit more serious. E.g. a Ta-zapper, or TENS on a higher setting

*Pleasure toy (optional) – e.g. Hitachi, Fleshlight, etc.

*Impact/Sensation Implements – Tickling is HIGHLY effective if they can handle it and impact adds razzle dazzle as well.

*Any other basic items needed for a scene.

Y/you can add the extra element of Cop/prisoner or other Top/bottom Characters to make it even more imaginative. This must be negotiated and planned out This type of scene is also used often for CNC. And always, always ALWAYS remember to go wild, but also be safe and enjoy!

~His Duchess

The post Uh Oh! appeared first on Free the Kink.

THWACK! After the shock of the first strike there was the sting and the heat. Then came the chills and goosebumps. The RUSH. “You know what this is now, right? Now, COUNT.” she raised her arms and placed her palms on the wall, braced herself and said, “Yes Sir.” she tried to steady herself, prepare for it. Why is He not doing anyth- “THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!” Tears are flowing now. Legs are weak. Everything going black.

One…Two…Three…Simple. this girl knows how to do it. It’s as natural as breathing. she can count money, minutes, cookies, and everything. But when He says, “Count” her heart starts to flutter. The blood starts coursing through O/our bodies at such a rapid pace that both of U/us can feel it.

this girl’s entire body is trembling now. she hears a loud clank outside the shower. Not sure what it was. she is wrapped in a towel as He stood quietly in front of her. she averted His gaze but desperately wanted to see the look on His face as she wondered if she made Him proud. But she knew better than to try. “Still inside yourself, I see” He says. she suddenly felt cold all over except for her face and loins; they were warm. “Focus. Use the towel.” she dried herself off as quickly and thoroughly as possible, then waited.

NOW, imagine THIS…there you are, standing, bent over, breathlessly waiting, trying to focus on the sounds in the room. A whir. A hum. A buzz. The pounding of your heart begins to drown it all out. And then you hear it. “Count.” You take a deep breath. “THWACK!” The sensation; a sting! Heat and pain radiates from the point of impact throughout your body! Tingling! And now your mouth waters; tears fill your eyes. And you remember…Count! The hands providing the stings and thuds pause to enjoy the splendor of this moment. They have brought the strong, capable person beneath them to the point of surrender and release. The immense pride. The satisfaction. Then…They go back on mission and tell you, “Count.” THWACK! Time to let it all go. THWACK! The crazy day Y/you had. THWACK! The thoughts W/we have but dare not speak of. THWACK! The feelings of not being good enough. THWACK! Caring about what others think. THWACK! Worrying, wondering, waiting. THWACK! Thinking about how grateful Y/you are to be in this moment with T/them. Let. It. All. Go. THWACK!

Counting strikes during Impact can create a entirely different set of reactions from both the giver and receiver. It serves a few purposes for U/us, actually. It keeps this girl focused on the moment. Gives her a sense of accomplishment about what she is enduring. For Him, it lets Him know that she is present and connected to Him during the experience. He can also observe her voice for signs of distress and also know if she is drifting into subspace. For U/us, it can be yet another intimate act during an intense moment. Bottom Line…W/we feel ALL of it.

~His Duchess

The post An Unexpected Lesson appeared first on Free the Kink.

Gently insert a well lubricated nozzle into a relaxed and well lubricated ass. Go slowly, and relax and exhale as the nozzle enters the sphincter muscle. When the nozzle is in place, remove the clamp from the hose and allow the enema to flow into you. If you feel the need to void, or have cramping you should stop for a few seconds and relax. An enema can take up to fifteen minutes. Most enemas are about 2 quarts, you may take less than that; there is no regulation enema rulebook.

When it is time to evacuate your bowels, move to the toilet with the nozzle still inside you. Do not remove it until you are in position to void. While moving to the toilet, the enema bag should be held slightly higher than the waist. If it is held too high, it increases pressure, if it goes below the waist it can result in back flow.

Enema Play can be a very erotic experience when planned and done correctly. As with any of the edgier activities, take your time, plan ahead, and communicate with your partner. Enema Play is definitely something that you cannot do if you cannot bring yourself to say it.

~ His Duchess

The post Enema Play 101 appeared first on Free the Kink.

*Disclaimer

Please remember that there is no guarantee that there will be a party after any event, or that you will be invited if there is. Some people are very generous in opening their homes to others, but never assume that you have an invitation unless you have specifically been invited. If someone says openly, “I’m having people over to my house, all of you are invited,” that constitutes an invitation. If you overhear someone saying, “Hey, Matthias is having people over later,” that does not. Furthermore, if you do overhear that comment, it is highly inappropriate to either ask the person on whom you have eavesdropped Matthias himself about it.

If you are meant to be invited, someone will let you know.

If you DO have an invitation, remember the rules of politeness that your parental unit, guardian or whomever hopefully taught you in grade school about birthday parties…

First and foremost, it ain’t your party. Meaning, that you may not invite others without the express prior permission of the host. If you were invited, it likely includes your constant companion, but it does not necessarily include the nice person who sat with you. If it seems to be a large gathering, you may ask the host if they can accompany you, but do so before you mention it to the potential plus one.

If the answer is no, accept it pleasantly and without comment. Unless you know without question that the person you are speaking to is also invited, do not mention it….Do not mention it within earshot of others, not because you are trying to keep things from anyone, but because it is quite rude.

Also remember the rest of the rules that your aforementioned parental unit, guardian and so forth hopefully taught you…You are in someone’s home, treat it respectfully. Thank them for the invitation. Behave in a way that is likely to get you invited back. If you do bring someone with you, you are responsible for their actions. If you are unsure of how to behave, watch those around you…Model your behavior after those whom you admire and you’re unlikely to go wrong.

If you are fairly new to the community, too, bear in mind that many in the community have had parties over the years, had open houses, have done their share already. They would almost certainly be glad to have new people open their homes as well. Do not feel as though you would be presumptuous by having a party of your own, though it it is often a good idea to sound it out to those who are active in the community. If you have never hosted a party yourself, do not complain when there are no parties available to suit you. If you think there should be parties, be the one who opens your home. Doing that a few times will make you appreciate the effort involved in doing so.

Personally, way back in the pre-pandemic days, when I took anyone new to a play party, I would inform them precisely what is expected and allowed, and what is not. I tell them that nudity is likely and that, while respectful admiration from a polite distance is fine, drooling like an animated wolf is not.

For the most part, complimenting the Top on their submissive is usually safe…And although this “should” go without saying, to paraphrase the Farmer’s commercial, “I know a thing or two, because I have seen a thing or two, one does not say, “Your sub has a great ass,”. Saying, “You have such a lovely submissive.” is by far more appropriate.

I make it clear that they are not to touch anything that does not belong to them, whether it is a thing or a person, without express permission. If you really want to look at those earrings in the light, ask the Top in the relationship if you may touch them, or get close enough for a good look. If the person is wearing the earrings is unaccompanied, ask them directly. If the answer is, “I’m sorry, my Master/Mistress doesn’t allow that,” accept the information courteously and go on.

Always remember…

JUST BECAUSE A PERSON IDENTIFIES AS A SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM, THEY ARE NOT YOUR SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM

It is inappropriate to expect anyone else to wait on you or defer to you in any way other than what normal courtesy demands. While you may be a Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, King, Queen or whatever your proposed honorific you have, you are not master of all you survey. You will garner much more respect by behaving courteously and pleasantly to everyone, regardless of their gender or identification within the community. It is perfectly acceptable, however, to allow someone to get you something if they offer.

It is called a play party because you are likely to see people playing. By and large, those of us who play in public do so because we enjoy it. We are exhibitionists as well as voyeurs. If people are playing, you may watch. You may plop yourself down on the couch, in fact, and watch with laser focused attention, and not be considered rude. You will be considered rude if you interrupt the scene except in case of emergency (“Pardon me, the house is on fire…”) would be an appropriate moment to interrupt for example.

Do not talk to the people in the scene unless they speak to you first. Do not talk loudly to your companions. As a guide, behave as though you are watching a performance at a theater. It is appropriate to lean to the person sitting beside you and whisper something in his or her ear, but it is inappropriate to speak to the actors and/or disturb the performance.

If you need to leave the room, do so quietly and wait for a break in the action, if possible. If people seem to want privacy, if they’ve retreated to a private area, if they have closed a door, do not intrude. Sexual acts may or may not occur around you or in front of you. Before participating in them yourself with your partner, make sure you know what the house rules are.

There are usually separate areas at a party for socializing and for playing. Please respect those segregations…Do not engage in a full fledged conversation about who did what on the CW with your best friend in the play area while others are playing…Do not decide that the buffet table is precisely the right height for a spanking bench. If you are a newcomer, it is usually a nice courtesy to ask the host before using equipment. Smoking of cigarettes is usually allowed only outside at most parties. Check with the host if you are unsure, but be prepared for that response.

As you enter a community, too, bear in mind that many of the people around you may have known each other a long time, may have played together, and may have shared intimacies of which you are unaware. There are likely a number of relationship and power dynamics you don’t recognize that nonetheless exist. The people you meet may seem to you, as a newcomer, to be very physically intimate with each other, or very casual about physical contact or nudity, particularly when compared to vanilla groups. That is usually an inaccurate perception. Simply because while I might be welcome to hug that cute, scantly-clad little female submissive, never assume that you are…Because I have that person’s Master’s/Mistresses permission to see her new hood piercing does not mean you do, too. Perhaps I have her Master’s/Mistresses permission because I have known them for a period of time, perhaps I knew the submissive before the Master himself did, and perhaps that submissive is sometimes submissive to me as well. Simply because that person may hug me, do not assume that they are comfortable hugging you, too. Allow people to become comfortable around you, recognize that you are a newcomer in an existing community that already has a number of complicated relationships in place.

Once again, what you see at parties is a private matter among those who were there, as is the identity of others within the community. It is inappropriate to discuss the party in front of others who were not invited, it is inappropriate to disclose what you may know about those who either attended or hosted it. A trust in your ability to be confidential, to be discreet in terms of what you may see or hear or know will also go a long way towards your acceptance within a community.

If you are unsure what is appropriate at a party…Ask.

Ask the host of the party, ask someone whom you respect in the community, ask the person(s) involved. And ask before you commit the faux pas that gives you a reputation as a wannabe or an asshole or that bitch.

Reputations can be hard to shake. If you do something that you realize was inappropriate, adult up and apologize. The only apology which ever hurts one’s reputation is the one that was owed but not spoken or acknowledged.

The post What to Expect From a Play Party? appeared first on Free the Kink.

“I’m so proud of you.”

5 words that W/we all have heard or said before, hopefully with pure intentions. These words can instill pride in someone or validate their effort. But most importantly in O/our Thing these words can transform a submissive. Why, Y/you may ask? After a difficult Task is completed, after a scene is done, after service is rendered or even just because, it can warm a submissive’s heart, ease our minds, restore our resolve, strengthen us, keep us focused and humbled. Remind us of who we are and why are where we are. this girl strives to make The FLYGOD proud of her. But those words can also mean just as much to the left side of the slash who says them. There are always the ones who loudly proclaim, “I don’t need to hear that they are proud of me!” Good for you. But this girl is willing to bet that if their Dom/mes expressed disappointment their asses would feel that. This is about how what is said affects how folks feel. Submissives, ask yourselves…what does your Dom/me(s) say to you that warms your soul? Dom/mes…how do You know when Your submissive(s) need to hear those words? Words truly do matter to folks. Whether W/we are always aware or not. And for some of U/us they can build U/us up or destroy U/us. So render kindness, love, discipline, encouragement, etc with mindfulness, Y/y’all.

Now…let’s focus on internal dialogue for a bit, shall we? The things we say to O/ourselves that have a tremendous influence on U/us that others cannot hear but can be affected by.

“I want a relationship/dynamic like that!” Okay, cool! Let’s talk about something for a second. Many of U/us see a dynamic/relationship that W/we wish W/we had. But the reality is, while W/we may view it as ideal, it is probably far from ideal. There are probably moments of disappointment. There are probably moments of mistrust. There are probably moments where feelings of inadequacy creep in. There is probably anger, frustration, all the ugly things. When a house is built, W/we look at it in awe sometimes and may even remark about how beautiful it is and may even dream about living in it. But W/we rarely think about the person who may have been injured putting up the foundation. The countless hours spent designing it. The energy it took to find the perfect materials. The care used to make sure the tools worked properly. The reality is …the life W/we all seek to achieve requires effort, consistency, pain, devotion, lots of patience and time. W/we all must understand and accept that even the ugly parts of the journey contain hidden beauty. So next time W/we say to O/ourselves, “I want that!” Keep all of this in mind.

Let’s break down another common phrase used in conversations and/or internal dialogue.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Five words that can change O/our lives. But exactly how thay change O/our lives is completely up to U/us. Firstly…what does “I can’t do this anymore” really mean?

“I.” W/we are taking ownership and stating the following thoughts, emotions or actions W/we convey are about U/us and U/us alone.

“Cannot.” This means being unable, but not unwilling, to do something. Sounds more like a statement than a declaration to some people.

“Do.” Performing an action, whatever it may be.

“This.” A specific thing, whatever it may be. But even though it is specific, wouldn’t it help others understand U/us better if we simply told T/them what the actual thing is?

“Anymore.” Beyond this present time. So at one time it was good but somehow it has changed and W/we are entering a new phase or stage.

Have Y/you said or thought this sentence before? Under what circumstances? W/we sometimes see a challenge or problem arise and for whatever reason W/we simply say, “I cannot do this anymore.” But by simply saying this, can anyone help U/us? Or do T/they need more details? It isn’t always crystal clear what “this” is, Y/y’all.
By communicating what truly troubles or threatens O/our submission or Dominance clearly W/we are able to get the guidance and/or closure needed to move forward in O/our journey.
And after a conversation with the ones W/we trust W/we can really decide if W/we can or cannot do whatever it is anymore.

“I trust Y/you.” While this one may seem self explanatory, let’s break it down anyway. What does it take for Y/you to say this to someone? Does trust come easily to Y/you? Well, this girl only says it when T/they create a safe place for her. T/they provide peace in her life. And how does it feel when someone says this to Y/you? Think about that for a moment.

The key is to use O/our words in a clear concise way that will open the door for productive dialogue. After decades of believing that yelling, quietness, hiding and burying thoughts and feelings was helping her, this girl does not argue anymore. It clearly wasn’t working for her.

*PSSST……And let’s never forget that the left side of the slash is usually very deliberate and measured in words, thoughts, speech and actions.

The Four Pillars of BDSM are Honesty, Trust, Respect and Communication. Ideally, the words we choose with O/others as well as internal dialogue should always embody these. Easier said than done. FACT. But it gets easier the more W/we do it.

this girl said ALL of this to remind herself and O/others that in this Social Media heavy world, words have even more influence in O/our lives. So, let’s all choose and use O/our words carefully.

~His Duchess

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While this statement may ring true for a lot of people, it is not true for everyone. It is important not to make the assumption.

For many of us, BDSM is the richest and most satisfying (As well as the most challenging, scary, frustrating, vulnerable and demanding) when it is combined with a romantic, loving, sexy relationship. As someone who has both witnessed and have been involved scenes in the past revolving around an educational, party or private setting, I can guarantee that not every scene involves people that are in a romantic relationship, or even a potential one. Some of it is service topping/bottoming, some of it may be a pro Dom/client dynamic or some of it is just plain fun with friends. I myself enjoy it for a variety of reasons, but there is no doubt that the most powerful (And again, the most challenging, scary, frustrating, vulnerable, demanding) experience I have had with BDSM has been in intimate, ongoing, loving relationships.

“But Matthias, I don’t understand why anyone would even want to play with someone they aren’t in love with or in public, at a party or…”

I do understand where the question is coming from. It is okay if you do not get it as to why a person would but know that some of us do and some of us do not. As always, I encourage you to ask questions if you are curious, but please do not belittle someone who enjoys playing in more casual settings by labeling them as shallow, slutty, whoreish or whatever the current label is for making you feel better than them.

Let us look at it another way.

As my submissive is also a culinary chef, I will make this analogy with food: At the most basic level, our bodies need food to function. Food can also be very pleasurable, providing us with a variety of taste experiences from adventurous, to rich, to decadent, to wholesome…You get the point.

For most of us, a meal prepared with, by or for someone we love dearly and are bonded/bonding with, a meal that we set aside special time for with the intent to connect intimately…With a table set with candles…Perhaps music in the background…Conversation and deep eye gazing…Romantic words and gestures…A meal we take our time over, savoring as a shared experience with a lover or partner- that meal will not only feed our stomachs and the machine that is our skin suit, but it will feed our hearts, souls, minds as well as our connection with that beloved person.

That meal is a powerful experience.

However, there are times where we do not have time for that and we still want to eat. Sometimes we are extremely busy and we grab a protein bar as we head out the door. Sometimes you are out and about and you grab a burger. Or sometimes we just want some comfort and Mac n Cheese with a good book sounds good. Sometimes, there is no one in our lives that we are intimate with in that way, but we still want a creative, shared meal experience with someone we like…Someone who is fun or kind or interesting.

It is all food. It is all good. We need it, we like it for different reasons at different times. We might enjoy some meals more than others, some might be more on a “soul food” level, but it is quite fine if every meal is not a life changing, storybook act of communion.

If you want to swear off fast food, wonderful. Good for you. But if someone else wants to indulge in it occasionally or everyday, that is their choice. We do not know the “whys” behind their choice and it does not really matter.

Hmm…All this talk about food (The literal sense AND the in the Kink sense) has made me hungry.

Moving forward

Besides the tiresome and silly judgments we tend to have about the way others conduct their kink, love, sex and play lives, we get into trouble because, often without realizing it, we make assumptions about “how it works” all the time for everyone.

Just because engaging in a BDSM scene is foreplay the majority of the time for one couple does not mean it is automatically foreplay for another.

Furthermore…

Just because BDSM play leads to sex with a play partner, does not mean it is the beginning of a love relationship.

Like everything else we do here, we need to be mindful and lookout for our assumptions and make sure we communicate how it works for us, ask someone else how it works for them, make sure we are both on the same page or at least as clear as can be on where all parties stand in terms of expectations, needs and hard limits. While it will not keep us from ever experiencing let down or heart break, it can minimize the occurrences based on sheer misunderstanding quite a bit.

Now, gather around the fire pit, Uncle Matthias has a story to tell…

Sometime ago, I had a conversation with a person who was brand new to the BDSM community and very interested in play but not interested in sex as part of that play.

Yes, this is a thing.

The person had a few conversations with people about playing and had been told that BDSM play meant having sex too. Needless to say, the person was quite discouraged, thinking that it was not going to be an option for them to do some S/m, D/s play without having sex, which for them was a kind of sacred ground and someplace they did not go casually with just anyone.

I was able to let them know that sex was not automatically included in BDSM play and that they just needed to keep talking with people until they found someone who was willing to play without the expectation of sex.

The problem I had and still have with this whole thing was not that someone would say “Sure, I’m interested in playing with you, but you should know that for me, BDSM play includes sex or I’m not interested”.

Now, according to this person who confided in me, at least five people had basically said, “Look, if you want to do BDSM play, that means having sex. That’s just the way it is.”

This is wrong. Period.

Saying, “I only like to play with people I’m going to have sex with or with whom sex is an option” is fine. Telling someone that that’s the way it is for everyone is not.

Make sense?

If you are someone for who sex and love, or play and love, or play and sex, or all three elements need to go together, that is a damn good thing to know about yourself and to tell prospective dates or play partners. If you are a perspective play partner who knows that you are not likely to fall in love with someone and they have told you that they are quite likely to fall in love with you if you play together (or have sex or whatever), then maybe you need to proceed with caution before you play with that person. This is another area where we can look for compatibility of spirit, heart, values before we proceed into realms that might involve deeper intimacy.

We can do this with respect for our differences. It is okay if someone is a uber-slut or a playmate who can play, have sex with, and/or love a lot of people and enjoy it. However, if that is not how you work in particular, then they need to respect your own inner workings as well as theirs and approach deeper intimacies with caution or the gap in our needs and leanings is likely to cause someone pain…and not the good kind.

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Some don’t have to imagine it because they live it. Then there are others who live in an area where there is so much opportunity for action that they just want to retreat to a blanket fort and forget about the outside world. this girl was stoked to walk into a villa in Italy and walk into a whole new world. The down side was that it was easy at first. So much so that every place she landed, this girl assumed that O/our Thing was readily accessible and easily accepted. Yeah, no. No secret symbols spray painted on buildings. No blacked out buildings in the warehouse district. And no other villas. It became obvious that the BDSM Community is not easy to find. No wonder Social Media is blowing up! But what this girl forgot was that there are reasons that certain locations are more Kink friendly than others. Perhaps that particular local Community is comprised of very private people. Perhaps they are not afforded the opportunity to have a building dedicated to BDSM. Perhaps the majority of the citizens are not very welcoming. Perhaps there are ordinances in place that make having public Kink space impossible. Perhaps you’re legitimately the only one in your area. So now what? It isn’t always realistic to be able to travel. So why not take a little time to assess our location. 

How many of us have taken a trip to a hardware or craft supply store in search of gear? Been extra observant when out in public for others like us? Check Google Maps frequently to plot out travel distances? Location can be a beautiful thing or it can affect O/our progress along O/our journey in unexpected ways. O/our Thing is full of innovative, resilient, fearless, adventurous and resourceful people. So focus on the hidden (in plain sight) opportunities W/we may have in our neck of the woods. this girl doesn’t have all the answers. Reality is that none of us do. But let’s try to make learning fun. 

Thanks for reading.

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