Disclaimer: I will also be using the terms Master and slave as well as He/His for the Master and she/her as the slave for convenience purposes. So please insert your own identity tag where necessary.

There are two viewpoints held by those seeking service.

Result oriented – These Masters do not care how it gets done, so long as the result is pleasing. They will give their slaves an order and expect it to be completed within the prescribed time, but give the slave discretion regarding the details.

Task oriented (often called micro-management) – These Masters will give explicit instructions on how to carry out the steps necessary to complete the task and are very interested in compliance about the process. For these Masters, attitude is often more important than skill. They want to see obedience more than they want efficiency.

Neither position is wrong, nor is it necessary for one Master to hold to the same viewpoint consistently. At times, micromanagement may be used as a training tool…Not so much about the task, but about the slave’s attitude toward service.

This brings up another important distinction:

Compliance vs Obedience

Compliance – Acquiescence passive assent or agreement without protest

Obedience – The condition of being obedient

Yes, that second definition can be viewed as a bit of a circular reference, but pay attention to the distinction.

Compliance is yielding to the authority of another. It does not say anything about the condition of the heart. You can comply fully with an order you fully disagree with. It is all about action.

Obedience, on the other hand, is about the condition of the heart and mind. To be acceptably obedient to many Masters, you must align your will with Theirs. For these Masters, compliance is not enough.

They want obedience.

A mentor of mine, Master Sebastian calls this the Directed Response Gap. He defines it as the time between when the slave hears the order and when she makes the Master’s desire her own. Obviously, there will always be a gap. The slave will think things like, “is that really the best way to do this?” or “but there’s not time” or “is Master thinking this through?”

It is perfectly acceptable (in most cases) for a slave to ask for clarity, bring ideas, suggest alternatives, or otherwise relay information that the Master might not have considered. But in the end, the order still must be obeyed. Spending a lot of time questioning the order can be highly counter-productive and frustrating for both parties. The ideal is to move from compliance to obedience as quickly as possible.

It makes everyone’s life more pleasant.

Next, we have…

Reactive vs Proactive Service

Many have said that there are two basic styles of service:

Reactive – The slave does exactly what is asked and no more

Proactive – The slave does everything that is asked and learns to anticipate the Master’s needs, providing service that is not specifically directed.

The Master must decide which of these two models to which He expects His slave to conform.

Reactive service is desirable to a Master for whom control is most important. These Masters are often said to “micro-manage” their slaves, controlling them in much more specific ways than those who prefer proactive service.

For a Master that desires more general control, proactive (or anticipatory) service is preferable. He will generally give orders that begin with, “unless I order you otherwise….” so the slave knows His general preferences. If those desires change, He will issue a different order, but generally He expects things done a certain way and doesn’t want to have to specify every time. These Masters may or may not micro-manage those tasks, meaning that they may or may not set down specific steps to be taken in performing repetitive tasks.

Where we get into difficulty is when the Master desires “presumptive” service. This is often described as wanting a slave that can read the mind of the Master. In my opinion, this is setting the slave up for failure. No slave can mystically discern what Master will want. When this is successful, the reality is that the slave is deciding what Master wants. If this pleases the Master, it is not wrong – but it is certainly a shift in control.

For example:

In a restaurant, two Master/slave couples have dinner:

Reactive – The Master drives to the restaurant. The slave follows the Master into the restaurant. The Master chooses the table, orders for both from the menu (usually without the slave’s input), decides when the dinner is finished, pays the bill, and leaves with the slave dutifully following.

Proactive – The slave chauffeurs the Master to the restaurant, chooses a table, seats the Master, orders for the Master (because they have been previously schooled on His tastes), deals with the wait staff throughout the meal, pays the check and generally supervises every aspect of the dinner.

Neither model is wrong and often in most cases, are some combination of the two.

Which leads us to…

Expectations in Service

In our consensual framework, there is usually an expectation attached to service.

Service is conducted in one of three basic ways:

Transactional – service is exchanged for some benefit. This benefit may take many forms. In business, service is exchanged for money. In Top/bottom relationships, service may be exchanged for play. In D/s or M/s relationships (as much as we would like to deny it), service is often exchanged for security, attention, play, and a host of other things that meet the needs of the sub or slave. There is nothing wrong with this. The needs of both parties are being met and as long as both feels they are making an equitable exchange, it can be highly successful.

Devotional – We tend to think of religion when this word is used, and it is an accurate reference because those with a call to clergy or other religious service fit this definition…But it is also possible to serve a Master simply because you love or respect Him sufficiently that providing such service is reward enough. There is no payback from the Master, other than being who He is.

This type of service often manifests itself in short term situations where a slave has an opportunity to provide service to someone they admire, for a short period of time. The experience and ability to show gratitude for what they have received from this person in teaching or inspiration is benefit enough. In long term devotional service situations however, there usually needs to be significant caring on the part of the Master to the slave in order to sustain this type of devotion.

Positional – This type of service is rendered without significant regard for the object of the service. Those of you who have read the fictional “Marketplace” books can recall that the slaves were sold to anyone who had enough money to place a successful bid. The service was predicated upon the position of the slave within the marketplace and that slave served without regard to the identity of the Master who owned them.

Can this occur in real life? Yes, but only in limited circumstances. A slave might “sell” her services in an auction to benefit a charity or for the erotic appeal of the experience. A Master might “give away” His slave for a limited period of service. A slave often serves in a function or event in this manner. The idea of positional service is hot! However, in reality, slaves are people too and they normally need some fulfillment of their own needs in order to continue to serve. Situations where this need can be fulfilled by interchangeable Masters is probably quite rare.

And in conclusion…

A few additional notes about service:

When a slave has a hard time understanding the “why” of an order, especially when they can clearly see a more efficient way of carrying out the task, it is sometimes helpful to consider the Master’s motivation.

The Master may be training the slave to be obedient

The Master may be training a specific task that He wants done to His specification for reasons He may or may not choose to share with the slave

The Master may be optimizing the task for His own comfort or pleasure in a way that the slave may not immediately understand.

Examples:

a. Master may have a physical limitation that makes it beneficial to do a task less efficiently in order to shorten the duration of the task.

b. Master may enjoy doing a task in a less efficient manner because of some peripheral benefit that the slave may not see.

  The best answer for this type of dilemma is to communicate.

The post Thoughts Regarding Service appeared first on Free the Kink.

What I want to touch base on this time around is how does one go about
finding a mentor that is right for you.

First off, a mentor is not just some friend that you can talk to…Although
they could start out that way. A mentor is someone that you can get advice
from, learn from and feel close to in your BDSM role. They exist to help
you learn not only who you are and what to expect in different lifestyle
situations you may encounter as you grow in confidence with said role.

Furthermore…

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE AN INTIMATE, PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MENTOR.

Read that part again.

Moving forward.

Look at it from a real world example: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. These
volunteers are mentors for the needy all over the nation. They become
friends and confidants for those involved and some go on to be close to
their little brothers/sisters well into adult hood.

They strengthen the person’s confidence and provide them an outlet to learn and grow without the stress of parents influence. It is healthy and
beneficial for both parties.

A BDSM mentor should be similar.

So…Is your potential mentor’s beliefs and definitions on par with yours?

You want to find a mentor that has the same definitions of common terms in BDSM. If they feel that a submissive and a slave are the same thing, and
you do not, then they will not be compatible with you when you bring up
topics along that thread of thought.

Not to beat a dead submissive (Damn, that went dark) but your first few
conversations should be treated as an interview. Ask them how they came
into BDSM, what they think about safewords and relationships and those all
important personal terms. If they mesh well with what you think then keep
going, then this person could be a good mentor for you.

If you are so new that you do not know what those personal definitions mean
for you, then I would suggest that you take on what is known as an open
mentor. This is someone that is available for new people to learn for
themselves and helps guide you into your own definitions so that you can
find a more targeted mentor later on if you choose to. I have been an open
mentor on numerous occasions and enjoy helping those who are serious about finding oneself before they key into the specifics of their new life in the BDSM world. I have also done focused mentoring, but I do prefer that your personal beliefs and definitions are solidified first.

Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.

You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.

You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

Furthermore,

When you first meet someone or talk to someone that is considering being
your mentor, are they professional in manner? You should feel comfortable
around them relatively easily and feel free to talk about whatever is on
your mind. If you feel uncomfortable or their questions are far more
private than your relationship allows, this can be seen as a warning sign
that they are not the mentor for you.

A mentor’s job is to make a novice comfortable with what they are
experiencing and who they are, if that can not happen in the interview
phase it may not happen at all.

Finally, and perhaps the most important part…

Does the potential mentor appear to know what they are talking about?

Mentors are not going to know everything, but they are going to be well
versed in a lot of aspects that people new to the lifestyle come to them
with questions about. If your mentor gives you the impression that they do
not know a whole lot about what you need to talk about, it may be best to
seek out someone else. Great mentors will be prepared for all questions,
even if it means they need to research and learn before they can give you
quality advice. Someone not willing to work for you as well as with you is
not really taking your growth seriously.

Granted, there are a lot of other things to look for in a mentor, but for
now; take these thoughts and figure out if a mentor would be someone you
want in your current situation. If it is, start seeking them. Again,
interview them before you start pouring your thoughts to them. Get to know them as a person and as a submissive. Feel comfortable with them and don’t let them lead the thoughts, they are there for your growth.

Continue to learn and your journey will develop.

The post Finding a Mentor appeared first on Free the Kink.

This has driven many people with lifelong or recently discovered Fetish desires, to suppress, hide, or deny the truth of this critically important dimension of their personality. Our culture offers very few safe places for someone to discuss and learn about how to safely explore this aspect of their desire, or get reliable sex advice. The culture at large would like you to simply…not be that way!  This is similar to the inane thinking about gays and lesbians, before they finally organized and fought for their civil rights to be who they were sexually, starting just 60 years ago. Fetish Sexuality is just beginning this journey to be accepted, honored, respected “normalized”!

Your sexual desire, whatever it looks like, no matter how dark, perverse or taboo, is an authentic and integral part of who you are. It is core to your nature. It is core to your psyche, and ultimately your physical, emotional and spiritual health. It is your truth! Your sexual desires, from sacred to profane, deserve to be honored, encouraged, understood, and safely expressed. And this expression is meant to occur in a safe, conscious, responsible manner with another consenting and consciously engaged adult partner.

Fetish, which can include kink, D/s, BDSM and a wide array of alternative sexuality, is a valid sexual orientation, similar to gay or lesbian orientation. It is innate, inherent, and it does not go away.  

It is yours for life. You cannot disown it. It does not need to be fixed or extracted, though many push it down into shadow, where it may leak out in disturbing, risky, dangerous or compulsive behaviors. Human Eros, of every sort,  is simply irrepressible!

Your sexual truth, like any other aspect of who you authentically are, will not damage you nor those you consciously engage with.

What is damaging and traumatic are the outdated cultural, moral, social, political, legal and religious codes that are intended to make us feel afraid, ashamed, immoral, criminal, pathological, sick, disgusting or dangerous about our sexuality. 

These traumas, shamings and harsh internalized moral judgments inflicted on us as we grew up, have gotten tangled up with our natural sexual desires.  This has left many people frozen, and unable to express their innate desires joyfully, without simultaneously feeling guilty, ashamed or afraid of  their own desires. 

This can leave them feeling stuck psychologically, emotionally and sexually, shut down or disconnected.

The key to coming to terms with who we are in the world of kink is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably and consciously, in a way that is in integrity with the agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompass our core values. 

We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious but powerful negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

The post Becoming the New Norm appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay then…First, the basics.

Masturbation is when an individual stimulates their genitals for sexual pleasure, which may or may not lead to orgasm. Masturbation is common among men and women of all ages and plays a role in one’s healthy sexual development.

People masturbate for many reasons, which includes pleasure, enjoyment, fun, and tension release. Some individuals masturbate alone, while others masturbate with a partner or partners.

Of course, you can find many myths about the “dangers” regarding masturbation. Even though many of these myths have been debunked several times, they seem to keep resurfacing time and time again.

Thing is that these falsehoods about masturbation are not backed up by science in any way, shape or form. There is often no scientific evidence to show that masturbation causes any of the adverse effects suggested.

So, seeing that this is an educational format…Masturbation will not cause:

• blindness
• hairy palms
• impotence later in life
• erectile dysfunction
• penis shrinkage
• penis curvature
• low sperm count
• infertility
• mental illness
• physical weakness
• damages kidneys and causes kidney failure or kidney pain.

Some couples also worry that their relationship must be unsatisfying if either one of them masturbates…This is also a myth as chances are that they were masturbating long before they first met anyhow.

In fact, most men and women continue to masturbate either alone or together when they are in a relationship or married, and many find it an enjoyable part of their relationship.

Masturbating increases blood flow throughout your body and releases those feel good brain chemicals called endorphins and while the male species are more likely to talk about blowing off steam by masturbating, research suggests it is a stress reliever for all sexes.

“So Matthias, now that I know I’m not going to go blind, I can crank it or rub one out with willful abandon, right?”

Whoa…Slow down there One-Eyed Willy…

As I mentioned earlier, masturbation is harmless…However, some may experience chafing or tender skin if they are too rough, but this will usually heal in a few days.

Furthermore, if men frequently masturbate within a short space of time, they may experience a slight swelling of the penis called an edema…Swelling that occurs when too much fluid becomes trapped in the tissues of the body, particularly the skin but also usually disappears within a couple of days.

Before we continue, a disclaimer…

Although I may have worked in the mental health field, let me just point out that I am not a licensed therapist, nor am I a medical researcher.

The following information was gleamed from professional therapists, the Kinsey Institute, the American Medical Association and Biju International (Formally the British Journal of Urology).

Other potential side effects include:

Guilt

Some people who worry that masturbation conflicts with their religious, spiritual, or cultural beliefs may indeed experience feelings of guilt. However, masturbation is not immoral or wrong, and self-pleasure is not shameful.

Discussing your feelings of guilt with a friend, healthcare professional, or therapist that specializes in sexual health might help a person to move past feelings of guilt or shame that they connect with masturbation.

Decreased Sexual Sensitivity

In line with the thought that having too much is not necessarily a good thing, aggressive or excessive masturbation techniques may lead to reduced sexual sensitivity.

If men have an aggressive masturbation method that involves too tight a grip on their penis, they can experience decreased sensation. A man can resolve this over time with a change of technique.

Enhanced stimulation, such as using a vibrator, fleshlight or the like, may increase arousal and overall sexual function in both men and women.

Women who use a vibrator have reported improved sexual function and lubrication, while men experienced an improvement in erectile function.

Be advised that the jury is still out on the following…

Prostate Cancer

Does masturbation increase or decrease the risk for prostate cancer?

My non-professional opinion?

*shrug* “I dunno.”

Researchers need to conduct more studies before they can reach a conclusion.

A study back in 2003 demonstrated that men who ejaculated more than five times each week during their 20s were one third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer than those who ejaculated less often.

Researchers speculate that the reduced risk was because frequent ejaculation may prevent the build-up of cancer-causing agents in the prostate gland.

Another study regarding frequent ejaculation lowering the risk of prostate cancer was discovered in 2016 where researchers found that men who ejaculated 21 times per month or more had a reduced risk of developing prostate cancer.

Why such a specific number? Again, my answer is “shrug”.

However, in contrast, a study in 2008 found that frequent sexual activity during a man’s 20s and 30s increased his risk of prostate cancer, especially if he masturbated regularly.

Like I said earlier, more research is needed.

Moving forward…

There have been cases where individuals masturbate more than they desire (No, really. It’s true!) which may actually…

• cause them to miss work, school, or important social events
• interrupt a person’s daily functioning
• affect their responsibilities and relationships
• serve as an escape from relationship issues or substitute for real-life experiences

Someone who thinks they might be adversely impacted by their masturbation practice should speak with a healthcare professional.

A doctor or counselor may suggest talk therapy to determine ways that they could manage their sexual behavior.

Consulting a sex therapist may also help with coping strategies for excessive masturbation.

What Else Do We Know?

Dr. Judi Chervenak, a gynecologist at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City, has stated that masturbation can relieve postmenopausal sexual issues. According to Dr. Chervenak, the vagina can actually narrow, which can make intercourse and vaginal exams more painful. But masturbation, especially with a water-based lubricant, can help prevent narrowing, boost the blood flow, relieve some tissue and moisture problems, and increase sexual desire.

Masturbation also helps you figure out what you like sexually…Where do you want to be touched? How much pressure feels good? How fast or how slow? Learning how to have orgasms on your own can make it easier to have one with a partner, because you can tell or show them what feels good.

And when you are comfortable with sex, your body, and talking to your partner, you are more likely to feel comfortable protecting yourself against STDs and unintended pregnancy.

So in conclusion…

Masturbation in itself is not unhealthy or bad for you at all. Masturbation can actually be good for your health, both mentally and physically. And it is pretty much the safest sex out there.

So, break out the vibrators, warm up that lube, poach that egg, take that self guided tour, shuck the corn, orbit Venus, scratch Yoda behind the ear (Yep, that is also a term) grab the cucumber, DYI, pet the cat, celebrate palm Sunday and be sure to do your part in celebrating National Masturbation Month!

Happy endings to all and to all a damned good time!

The post Masturbation appeared first on Free the Kink.

Part of it is out of necessity. It seems as if every single day, I come across someone who dropped every bit of common sense in the name of submission. These are the people need to hear and read the warnings about wannabe Doms who think that throwing out an order and smacking an ass on occasion equals dominance.

Another part of it is that it is just easier to talk about. BDSM wannabes Doms do very common things…They lie, cheat, become violent, ignore consent….The list goes on.

They were jackasses before they discovered BDSM. Now they are jackasses with most likely a self proclaimed title and too many eager and willing victims.

Here is the thing…We do not talk a lot about is what makes a good Dominant or what does one look like. This is a harder picture to paint simply because all submissives want and need something a little different.

*cracks knuckles* However, I enjoy a challenge every now and then.

Besides, I do actually get weary of scaring people with warnings, red flags and the like…Regardless of how often it needs to be reiterated. So this time around, I would like to celebrate the good Dominants of the world.

While it is one of my philosophies that everyone is a work in progress…And although results might differ, I believe regardless of gender, sexuality, race, looks, height, weight, etc. a good Dominant will have some if not all of these characteristics.

Oh, and again for those in the back of the room, I despise the terms “real”, “true, “alpha” or any other useless precursor to the term “Dominant” unless I am using the terms in jest while describing the little incell and often insecure wannabes that are out there.

You know who you are.

Good Dominants, however, are indeed very real. Bad Dominants either have their own issues to work on or just need more education. The mark of a bad Dominant who can become a good Dominant is their willingness to listen, learn, and make changes. Oh, and really bad Dominants, the kind you warn strangers about? They are abusers, plain and simple. Believe that. I do not even consider them Dominants, no matter what they call themselves.

Neither should you.

Now…Where was I?

Okay, so what does a good Dominant look like?

*Note that I will be using the pronouns of He/Him for Dominants and she/her for submissives for convenience but one can make their own adjustments as necessary*

Good Dominants are patient. In my many conversations that I have had with submissives, I recall a lot of them advising that there was a reason many of them compare their Dominants to wild animals…Have you ever see an animal in the wild on the hunt?

They are the epitome of patience…Waiting for just the right moment to “attack”. A patient Dominant takes the time to get to know you as a person first. They might not even discuss kink until well into the relationship. They give you the time you need to become comfortable with them.

They WORK for your trust.

How does someone build trust? By being both honest and consistent. A good Dominant is both. They understand it is not just the things they say but also how one behaves…They do what they say they are going to do. They share the details of their life…Both good or bad…And because they are patient, they know it takes time.

As for my sins, when I began my solo journey into BDSM, it took almost a year or so of patience, communication, full disclosure and honesty before she became my submissive…And it was definitely worth it.

When it comes to good a good Dominant, you will find at sense of stability…Both mentally and emotionally.

It is an undeniable fact that everyone gets angry. It is a natural event. However, as an adult, you do not have to have a temper tantrum when you get angry…Or when you do not get your way.

Hmm…Some people might feel some type of way with that last statement.

Good.

Furthermore, anyone can have an mental illness (Such as yours truly) like depression or anxiety but not everyone uses unhealthy means to medicate or deal with the problem.

See where I am trying to go with this?

Anger management issues, addiction issues (that are not being addressed and being worked on), mental illness they will not acknowledge or attend to via proper channels…These are not signs of stability. But the good Dominant will either already be stable or actively work to become that way. They understand that they can not be in control of another human being if they are not in control of themselves first.

A good Dominant is not “selfish”…I used quotation marks because on some level all Dominants are a tad selfish. Think about it…They prefer having all the control and getting exactly what they want…As long as they are only doing it with a consensual partner.

One may even see it as a healthy kind of selfishness…If there is such a thing. At the same token, they also understand that it is not all about them. The needs of their submissive are equally as important and in some cases, more important than their own needs.

Come to think of it, I have not met a good Dominant who does not think of their submissive first in all things. Of course, all bets are off once the submissive is hog-tied on the bed, ass red from a well deserved spanking the Hitachi inserted inserted in the orifice of the Dominant’s choice of course. Now, they are simply and selfishly basking in your pain and pleasure as well as all that control.

*chuckle* Now I am feeling some kind of way.

Moving forward.

A good Dominant will focus on one person at a time. This has nothing to do with being poly which is something completely different. What I am referring to is talking about in that beginning stage where it is time to get to know a person. The Dominant who is interested in you as a human being and a submissive will focus only on you. You will not find them talking to multiple submissives all at once. First of all, they probably have a job and a life so they do not have time for it. And second, they know that with their attention divided like that, they are not giving you everything you deserve.

If you are looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship that has some kind of future, a good Dominant will not keep you on the side while they maintain their vanilla married life. You will become part of their life and their universe.

Now before you break out the pitchforks and torches. I know there are exceptions to that rule…Marriages that are over minus the divorce paperwork, marriages that are loveless and you are both still there for the kids….I get that. However, if a Dominant is willing to keep a submissive on the side while refusing to leave a vanilla spouse, it is not a good sign.

Good Dominants have integrity. This goes back to that whole keeping the submissive on the side thing. Good Dominants do what they say they are going to do. They keep their word to you and to other people….And take ownership if and when they fail to do so. They do what is right even when it is difficult. Such as telling hard truths that no one wants to hear but they manage to do it with respect and/or kindness.

Good Dominants take care of their submissives. Their reasons are as varied as they are. They may consider you a possession. Hell, if that is your kink and you are in agreement to that dynamic, then go forth and be blessed…Good Dominants make sure that they take care of their “toys.”

Maybe it is Daddy/baby girl love dynamic. Maybe (And hear me out on this) it is that they actually care about you as a human being and see your care as part of their responsibilities as a Dominant.

Crazy, right?

Whatever the reasons are, the submissive’s health, well-being, and happiness are important to them.

I will never get tired of saying the following: Good Dominants communicate. It might not always be right when you want to talk about something, but they will talk.

Just like the House Built upon a Rock parable, they understand that good communication is the foundation of a Dominant/submissive relationship. Without it, confusion, miscommunication and mistrust will occur. A good Dominant will tell you what they like, what they do not like, what they want, what they need and so on.

On the flipside, they expect you to talk to them. Once again, I have yet to meet a Dominant with the power of telepathy. They need to know intimate details about your health, about your past, and about who you are as a person. They know that without that information from you, something could go horribly wrong during a scene. But they also know that open communication builds trust and relationships.

The last and maybe the most important sign of a good Dominant (And this becomes more important as you take things from talking to playing) is their understanding of consent. They know for a fact that they cannot do a damned thing without it…And they will work their ass off to gain it. They also check in before, during, and after any type of kinky play. If you throw out a safe word, they know to stop immediately and make sure that you are okay. They will also respect your decision if you change your mind about a scene, an activity, or whatever else.

Be prepared for a whole bunch of communication about it, though.

Of course there are probably even more things that I could say or have forgotten to say about good Dominants but I have been rambling on for awhile now…

With that being said…If you know good Dominants, celebrate them. Thank them. Listen to them. Watch them. Use them as an example when you meet other Dominants. Secondly, if you have not found a good one yet, please, do not give up. They are out there. You will not always recognize them because instead of ordering you to call them “Sir” from the first conversation and attempting to put a collar on you, they will probably just ask how your day was or even do a random wellness check on you.

Word of advice: Do not mistake politeness for a lack of dominance. In fact, good Dominants are more polite and courteous than most other people you will ever meet.

The post What Makes a “Good” Dominant appeared first on Free the Kink.

Girls wear pink, boys wear blue…Period. After all, that is it and nothing more.

Unfortunately, this is the archaic and erroneous mindset some people have when it comes down to what gender is and should be even though the concept of gender is something that exists not in objective reality, but as a result of human interaction which varies depending on the region, philosophy, country and time itself.

It exists because humans agree that it exists.

In other words, gender roles are in fact, made up.

Granted, sometimes sex can be a component of gender but not always. Even if it is conceived as primarily male or female, that is also incorrect. In fact, many believe that there are anywhere between six and fifty-six types of human genders;

Male
Female
Trans
Gender Outlaw
Non-binary
Genderfluid

And these are the first six that popped into my mind as I am writing this.

In a sense, when it comes to discussing gender or sex, nothing is truly binary.
Gender expression is a way of showing us who we are and can be a great asset when it come to exploring one’s own sexuality.

When it comes to BDSM scenes, one may find that there are a multitude of ways in how gender can be added to kink…Which can broaden your kinky pleasures.

For most of us, consensual control within the power exchange, is the heart of BDSM. If you put the physical aspects on the back burner, the giving and taking of power can often be expressed by adopting a persona…The stern and stoic Master, the devious and provocative Mistress, the meek and humble submissive, the eager to please sexual service slave…Using gender as a component to these personas can in a sense, amplify what is already present in the dynamic.

Let us say for example that you want to enhance your domination but you find it difficult to wrap your mind around how to make this happen. Creating a dominant personality can be a challenge.

For some, it may feel impossible.

So instead of creating something out of thin air, why not use your own gender expression cranked up to ten?

For example,

If you feel comfortable as male identified, collect styles and affectations that you consider ultra masculine. This could be anything from using an accent to the clothes you wear.

Think of it improv or better yet…Motivational acting. Get into the head of your new male self. What is their name? What is their voice like? What do they like to eat and drink? What do they wear? What kind of D-Type would they be? Is he a bit of Sean Connory’s Bond mixed with a dose of Lawrence Fishburne’s Morpheus, (The Matrix series) poured into a tall, refreshing glass of Gerald Butler’s King Leonidas (300)?

If being female is more to your liking, you can follow that path as well. Try picking up and trying on all kinds of styles and forms to discover what may or may not work for your personal kinks…Perhaps Anjelica Huston’s Mortica Addams (Addams Family) stirred in with a splash of Gal Gadot’s Diana of Themyscira (Wonder Woman) and garnished with Charlize Theron’s Lorraine Broughton (Atomic Blonde)?

As you can tell, a great way to do research different gender archetypes is to use media. Take some time to dissect and examine your favorite characters, adding parts of them to your own kink persona.

Of course, one side cannot exist without the other…Meaning just as you can amplify strengths, you can do the same with submissiveness. Again, the key is to try put various forms to see what is a good fit for you.

Disclaimer:

Use caution about this new persona you create…Not in the act of creation, but being able to emotionally pull yourself out of it.

Because of this, it is highly recommended to work with your partner when you go on this gender play voyage to set up some clear and safe guidelines for aftercare and recovery.

Age play can be a big part of this type of gender experimentation. By consciously going back to a more innocent state, the sensations, especially the emotional impact of everything going, can be magnified.

Once again, this is where safety is critical as this kind of play can also accidentally trigger subconscious childhood traumas. So always play smart and, most of all, play safe.

Another angle to submission and gender is to force it in contrary ways as a form of humiliation play. By making a male identified person wear female clothes or a female-identified playmate dress in male garments, the D-Type can use their discomfort and shame as an erotic tool.

It must be noted that this should only ever be done with clear consent and with unobstructed lines of communication. This type of plan can summon powerful emotional forces and should never be done without knowing as much as possible about the person you are engaged with.

To reiterate what was said at the beginning of this article, gender is not now nor has never been binary. So, when you want to try your hand at new forms, try not to be hemmed in by what anyone else says you should be.

Perhaps your D-Type side wears a mini-skirt, combat boots, sports pink hair, and a glitter enhanced goatee…Perhaps your s-type self wears a 50s style bra, a polyester polka-dot dress and a mohawk. The same thing is true about your personality…Why not try a bit of Mary Poppins with a dose of Hannibal Lecter?

If it works then it works…More power to you.

And if it does not work, try something else. The sky is literally the limit when it comes to gender play possibilities.

Many, many moons ago, during our more primitive days, when being aware of our surroundings literally meant life or death, we developed patterns to cope with our daily lives which carried on into the modern era…It is all leftover survival instincts.

Gender is the same way. For the longest time, we did not see it as unclear or vague… We limited it depending on our culture or overly biased upbringing. Yet, part of evolving is becoming more and more comfortable with ambiguity and in giving up the illusion that the universe must be either black or white.

At the core of gender expression lies respect and empathy…To see others as who they are, who they want to be, who they need to be, and let go of the toxicity that says your way is the only way.

So become yourself…Whoever you deem that is and treat others with the same level of respect, acceptance and love as you would like others to show you. Be it in the play space as well as everywhere else.

The post Using Gender in BDSM Play appeared first on Free the Kink.

In the midst of all of this, should you be bringing up the fact that you are kinky? Many kinksters avoid coming out to their healthcare providers, from physicians to therapists, because they either think it is none of their business or they fear judgment.

This can cause some pretty serious consequences.

Kinky sex has unique needs when it comes to protecting our physical and mental health. Additionally, doctors may not understand consensual injuries, such as bruises or marks and believe that we are being harmed.

*Remind me to tell you about the first time my s-type’s general practitioner found the bruises on her back resulting from an intense flogging scene…Law enforcement was involved.

The stress of being part of a minority sexual community can have negative effects on our mental health if we feel isolated or ashamed of what we enjoy. All of us leads us to understand why we must find kink inclusive healthcare providers.

Fact: Most Providers Have No Training or Knowledge of Kink

In most cases physicians, nurses, and even therapists received very little to no training or exposure to kink. The manual that defines mental health disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, removed kink or paraphilia off of their list of disorders in 2013.

If your healthcare provider was trained before this recent update, they may have been trained to think that kink/BDSM is a mental health issue. This can lead to providers believing that their patients are a risk to themselves or others and even cases of reporting them as unfit parents (although the children were completely safe and never exposed to kink).

Because of this, many kinksters are reasonably fearful of talking about their healthcare needs and being outed by someone else. With all of this working against the kink community, how do we go about finding our medical unicorn provider?

Well, for starters…

Look for directories of providers who have kink inclusive training.
The best place to start when looking for kink-friendly providers is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s directory. You can find everything from lawyers to midwives that will not require you to explain your interest in BDSM or kink. If you are a provider, you can add your business to their directory so more kinksters can find you.

Test the waters with providers you already have.
If there is not someone in your area who is on the directory, you may be surprised by what your provider already understands and accepts. You do not need to jump in and tell them everything about your identities and practices. You can start by asking questions to feel things out. Asking things like, do they know anything about kink? What do they think of BDSM…Do they think is healthy and unhealthy in sexuality are good starts.

Their reactions will guide you as to if they are sincerely inclusive and open or not.

Last but not least, if the first two tips do not pan out the way you hoped, remember that finding kink inclusive healthcare is still your right as a patient. Do not feel like you have to settle for a provider that does not understand or appreciate your needs and experience. For kinksters in rural areas, this may be particularly hard, but not impossible.

Be patient and keep looking for kink friendly healthcare providers. With more and more healthcare becoming virtual, options are expanding tenfold.

You and your health are worth it.

The post How to Tell Your Doctor That You Are Kinky appeared first on Free the Kink.

Granted…While there are some sick people in the world, the Mommy/Daddy/little dynamic in D/s relationships has nothing to do with children, pedophilia, or having “Mommy/Daddy issues.”

Note: I often refer to my submissive partner as “My little Dahlia” or “Little girl” while she refers to me as “My Sir” or “Daddy”. Because of choices that we have made in our relationship, we try to use these names when we are alone, can not be overheard, or are in a group of fellow kinksters.

How other people choose to handle the titles they use is a personal decision.

The Daddy (Or Mommy) Dom/little girl (or boy) dynamic in D/s is often misunderstood, even by those within the BDSM lifestyle. Responsible kinksters are hyper aware of the need for consent. The idea of children somehow being involved, even as fantasy, is enough to freak people out.

I get it..I really do.

For those who identify as a Daddy or a little, it has nothing to do with children. It often has very little to do with age or age play either.

So what is it all about?

Glad you asked.

This type of Dominant focuses more on the nurturing and caring aspect of dominance…A gentler form of domination if you will. Yes, there are rules in place, and there are consequences for breaking those rules.

Ultimately, no matter how bratty or sassy a little may become, Daddy/Mommy is in charge. And while I am unable to speak directly on the dynamic between a Mommy Domme and their little, a Daddy Dom and a little dynamic can be more playful than other D/s pairings to the point that some Daddies are seen often as silly, goofy, and childlike as their partners. (Hell, just last week, my little Dahlia and I were in the car, giggling like a couple of adolescent children because a commercial came on advertising “Creamy Nut Butter”)However, they maintain control, set rules, and typically, keep a little on their toes.

Littles are a complicated bunch. Some people will identify with very specific ages from as young as those in diapers through high school. Others may connect with multiple ages younger than their biological age…While still others are like Dahlia do not identify with any specific age. Her little side is a playful, younger, more vulnerable version of the woman that she presents to the public. If you only pay attention to stereotypes, littles are bratty, love glitter, and obsess over Hello Kitty. Take a look around. You will find some who fit that description and many more who do not.

The thing about these labels is that they do not really matter. I know many a Dominant who approaches D/s in a very nurturing, caring way but does not want to be called “Daddy.” I know because at one time, I was one of them? I know even more submissives with a giggly, silly, pink-loving side who are confused by those who do identify very clearly as a “little.”

That is why I like BDSM. You can take the parts that make sense to you and your partner, fit them into your unique dynamic, and leave the rest behind. The same applies here.

Okay, let us clear the air.

Age play as a kink is role playing. Both partners take on specific roles, one of which is someone of a younger age, to fulfill a sexual fantasy. Age players in a relationship identify either as the older nurturer who leads, guides, and teaches (Daddies and Mommies), or the younger, more childlike partner who is given the freedom to relinquish certain responsibilities (littles). Neither the kink or the relationship are about wanting to have sex with children. Read that again.

This is NOT about pedophilia.

You can be into age play as a kink and not want the full relationship. Of course, you can want the relationship and not want the age play. (My little girl and I are firmly in that category.) Some people believe you can be a Daddy or a little and not consider yourself a Dominant or a submissive. Depending on the relationship you have, I disagree. If it is just about calling your partner Daddy and coloring (or whatever little activity you prefer) or on the other side, being indulgent and nurturing with your little but having no rules, then no, there is probably very little BDSM involved.

However, if the Daddy is in charge and makes rules and the little is supposed to abide by those rules, you, my friend, are in a version of a D/s relationship. It might be D/s-light, but you have got a Dominant (Daddy) and a submissive (little) and rules (discipline).

The post Daddies and Mommies and Littles, Oh My! appeared first on Free the Kink.

With that definition, any practicing kinkster can clearly see a ton of problems.

While in the past, this way of doing things may have been common, as our understanding of consent and power dynamics have evolved so has the D/s contract. However, a BDSM D/s contract can still have some noticeable downsides.

The biggest downside is that a BDSM D/s contract can be pretty overwhelming. Just like it has been portrayed in some of the largest mainstream kink movies, being presented with a multi-page document outlining a relationship can be either intimidating or terrifying for a lot of people. Even for seasoned kinksters, there is a lot of information to digest within a kink contract, especially if the contract was a never before seen document that a D-Type handed down to the potential s-type.. It gets even more overwhelming if the submissive was not even ready for a such a huge commitment at that point.

Next…

We also have to include the fact that a “real” kink contract can be hard to create. In most fantasies, this contract is something that is “given” to a submissive from a Dominant…Outlining everything that the Dominant expects the submissive to perform and do for them. While this can be extremely hot in fantasy life, in real-life, it is somewhat difficult to successfully pull off.

Sure, it would be hot if your submissive only wore thong panties whenever they are in the house, but what if they are not feeling well one day? What if they are uncomfortable with their body and parading around in only a thong is extremely uncomfortable?

Without a clear discussion around this “rule,” the submissive reads the contract and feels uncomfortable and unsure. And that is only one rule out of the entirety of the contract. Every one of the rules within the context is just a reflection of the Dominant’s desires and fantasies. It has very little basis in a submissive’s input or willingness to do those activities.

Let us also not forget about the practicality of such an agreement. As a Dominant, I can tell you that I could not magically remember every rule that I had written out on a multi-page document that went “instantly” into play one day. Sure, I could remember tons of rules over time, but the point of a kink contract is that things are, after signing, “different.” This requires the D-Type to remember all of the rules within the contract, and ensure that they give the proper punishments when those rules are not followed. If infractions are not noticed, there is not much reality to your “contract.”

Of course, a kink contract is not a legally binding piece of paper, either. As part of a role play scenario, it works fine. However, the reality (again) is that it is really not a legal contract. Parties to the contract have the right to no longer adhere to it. Believe it or not, this is a good thing. It can help protect people who signed one without negotiating and it has harmful rules or conditions that could hurt them physically or mentally in a way to which they did not and do not consent.

However…

BDSM D/s contracts would not have achieved the popularity they currently have if everything about them was totally awful, though. Your new BDSM D/s contract can be great for some things, too. The biggest selling point of a kinky relationship contract is the fantasy aspect. A lot of submissive people fantasize about being “property.” A lot of Dominant people fantasize about being “owners.” Kinky relationship contracts fit perfectly into that. One person can “own” another person with a clearly written D/s contract. In fact, the signing away of “rights” can be the centerpiece of a lot of power exchange fantasies

For that, kinky contracts work fantastically.

Not only that, but when done right, a kink contract can be a fantastic negotiation tool. Not only does it force open relationship communication, but it allows for an “excuse” to talk about needs and wants within the kink relationship. It allows for daydreams, inspiration, and a simple way to bring up new things that you’d like to see added to a relationship, without needing to plan out a special “talk.”

A D/s contract can also be a great way to outline expectations for everyone involved. Instead of relying on assumptions (which can get very complicated in power exchange dynamics), everyone is clear on where they stand and what the other person expects from them in return. This allows for the best chance of “meeting” another person’s needs…After all, how are you supposed to provide the things someone else wants if you don’t know what those things are? A D/s contract puts all of that information out in the open.

With all of the benefits your kink contract can provide, is there a better way to reduce the negatives and enjoy just the positives? Well, I am glad you asked.

There is.

Real-life kinkster couples have been using BDSM contracts successfully for years now. You just have to approach your new binding agreement with more intention and a lot more cooperation.

First, if you are only using your D/s contract as a role play tool, just do that. If all parties understand that the contract is only for a limited amount of time (Such as 24 hours or until the scene is over), you can go wild…As long as it is within safe practices and your partner’s limits, handing over a contract for a submissive to sign can be a hot center point of your scene. As long as the time frame is set out in advance, having a “temporary” D/s contract can be a fantastic way to enjoy all of the benefits of a sexy relationship contract without a lot of the long-term negative effects. Just make sure that the D-Type remembers, understands, and plans to punish for any infractions of the rules.

What if you want a long-term relationship contract to span your entire power exchange relationship? Now that is where things get a little more involved, and some good team work and patience is required. There are many examples and templates available online which can be a good place to start, but you must tailor it for you.

Before you ever begin to work on a D/s contract, all parties need to have a talk about their readiness level. Working on a contract like this can be a very serious sign of commitment. Commitment is not something every person is ready for at the same time.

To avoid surprising either partner, a talk about the actual readiness to share a contract can be a great preface to doing the contract itself. Remember, a D/s contract does have to be permanent. You both can agree on a temporary, “Play partner” contract as well. For those who are not interested or ready in a strong future commitment, this play partner variation can be a great option.

Once you both agree that you’re ready to work on a D/s contract together, you need to understand that it is basically an empty document. Absolutely nothing is a “must.” Sit down and brainstorm your basic “wants” for the relationship. In particular, pay attention to the things that are already present within your relationship. Does he already bow to her every time she comes home from work? Sounds like a great thing to make “official” in a contract.
In general, I would also recommend not adding more than one or two “new” things to the contract’s rules. While the fun of a contract can include basically writing out your “dream Master/slave relationship,” that is not practical for real life. It quickly adds up to a bunch of rules that neither of you have the time or energy to keep into practice on a daily basis which results in effectively setting yourselves up for failure.

Before you put the contract into use, it is a good idea to seek input from outside sources. Friends in the community, kink aware therapists or sex educators are good resources and can point out any areas of concern in the contract.

Focus on making this D/s contract a working document. Once you have made that first draft and you both have agreed to it, it is going to be a document that you revisit on a regular basis. You might choose to make it a set ritual (once a month, once a year with your anniversary celebration), but the point is…

You revisit the document.

Figure out what things have been good additions to your contract, and what things fell between the cracks. Your rituals and protocols should have meaning to you whether that’s arousal, reverence, or reinforcing the relationship. If you are doing empty things just because the contract says so, then it is time to cut those things.

Focus on making your D/s contract a “living and breathing” reflection of your D/s relationship. Not only can you use it for regular reinforcement of the power exchange dynamic between you and your partner, but you can use it for regular negotiation and inspiration for new things within your dynamic. It allows for open discussions as well as a sexy way to regularly infuse your relationship with new kinky things you would like to do. It is a contract between two people and not a document given to the submissive person to sign. That is how you make it a successful part of your relationship for the long term.

Of course, your relationship and your dynamic is entirely up to you. While this is the method I recommend, you can use whatever works within your dynamic. Every dynamic and relationship is unique. Use these tips to help mold your ideal D/s contract into something that is perfect for your needs and the needs of your partner(s).

When done correctly, a BDSM contract is entirely worth it and can change your kink relationship for the better.

The post BDSM D/s Contracts…Are They Worth It? appeared first on Free the Kink.

However,

Do not think that to belong to kink groups or to visit kinky spaces you must qualify as “Kinky Enough”.

Whether you have twenty years of kink experience or just decided twenty minutes ago that you wanted to explore kink, you may have noticed something a bit concerning…

Kink often has an issue with elitism.

In the kink community, there is often a sense of hierarchy: What kinks are the “best” kinks…Who is the fairest, uh, kinkiest of them all and so forth.

We as a community, seem to praise those who are the most dedicated to a 24/7 lifestyle and those who can participate in the most extreme acts. Yet, kink is not and should not be, a competition.

Let me repeat that…

Kink is not and should not be, a competition.

This conversation is especially important for those just entering the kink community. See…Without foundational knowledge, they can be easy prey for people who will manipulate and pressure them for their own agenda.

So…Why Did Kink Become Hierarchical?

Hmm…That is a good question.

One may surmise that because most kinky interactions involve some sort of power exchange role-play, the power dynamics can easily navigate beyond a single scene or interaction into relationships and broader communities. This is not inherently a good or bad phenomenon, though it can be instituted and enacted in better or worse ways. Some hierarchies happen intentionally while some do not…Ideally, thought and practice are put into an intentional hierarchy to make sure it is desired and consented to by all parties prior to establishing it.

With that said…What Can the Kink Community Do to Change This?

In other words, because we are socialized to see specific identities, presentations, and titles as better or worse than one another, this bleeds over into kink expressions and culture. To change this, we must first examine why we think of certain acts of desires as ideal and others as “less than.”

You may have heard the phrase in the kink community: “Don’t yuck my yum.” i.e. do not put down something (usually a kink) that brings me pleasure, even if you do not do it, we will not do it (NMK) or if you tried it (and hated it).

Kink is a place where shame should be left at the door…This is particularly true for those entering kinky spaces for the first time. For those of you who are experiencing this, please allow me to share the same advice that my mentors offered me many, many moons ago…

Before engaging in any kinky interaction, it is highly important to remember that there is absolutely no obligation to participate in any regard before there is the desire to do so. It is also a good idea to have a plan for how to avoid the inevitable…That person who attends group spaces and acts coercively to push limits, which depends on the person’s internal and external resources in the moment. Going with a friend or a date is a good approach. If you are going alone, it is perfectly okay to completely ignore the person and walk away if that feels best in the moment. You have the right to say that you are not interested at the moment and that you will let the person know if you change your mind. If someone is acting in a pushy manner at a kink event, it is not necessary to follow any sort of protocol, because protocol is something that should be consented to before followed…

Group spaces typically contain a high percentage of extroverts and exhibitionists…It is a good idea to remember this and remember that everyone has different intra- and interpersonal boundaries. The best way to understand and maintain interpersonal boundaries is to understand and talk to a trusted friend or partner about intrapersonal boundaries before exploring with others.

Your Kink Is Personal

Identifying as kinky, or just being interested in learning more about kink is an entirely personal and individualized experience. Do not think that in order to belong to kink groups or to visit kinky spaces you have to qualify as “kinky enough.”

There is no reason whatsoever to feel that you need to focus on “Keeping Up with the Joneses” (Comparison to one’s neighbor, or in this case, a “established” kinkster as a benchmark for social class) as my ancestors would say.

Research, discuss, and experiment with what feels right in your body, mind, and spirit. At the same token, do not look down on kinks that you find weird or unappealing…As long as they are consensual.

Make a commitment to taking the hierarchy out of kink and making the community one of love and acceptance.

The post appeared first on Free the Kink.