Disclaimer: I will also be using the terms Master and slave as well as He/His for the Master and she/her as the slave for convenience purposes. So please insert your own identity tag where necessary.

There are two viewpoints held by those seeking service.

Result oriented – These Masters do not care how it gets done, so long as the result is pleasing. They will give their slaves an order and expect it to be completed within the prescribed time, but give the slave discretion regarding the details.

Task oriented (often called micro-management) – These Masters will give explicit instructions on how to carry out the steps necessary to complete the task and are very interested in compliance about the process. For these Masters, attitude is often more important than skill. They want to see obedience more than they want efficiency.

Neither position is wrong, nor is it necessary for one Master to hold to the same viewpoint consistently. At times, micromanagement may be used as a training tool…Not so much about the task, but about the slave’s attitude toward service.

This brings up another important distinction:

Compliance vs Obedience

Compliance – Acquiescence passive assent or agreement without protest

Obedience – The condition of being obedient

Yes, that second definition can be viewed as a bit of a circular reference, but pay attention to the distinction.

Compliance is yielding to the authority of another. It does not say anything about the condition of the heart. You can comply fully with an order you fully disagree with. It is all about action.

Obedience, on the other hand, is about the condition of the heart and mind. To be acceptably obedient to many Masters, you must align your will with Theirs. For these Masters, compliance is not enough.

They want obedience.

A mentor of mine, Master Sebastian calls this the Directed Response Gap. He defines it as the time between when the slave hears the order and when she makes the Master’s desire her own. Obviously, there will always be a gap. The slave will think things like, “is that really the best way to do this?” or “but there’s not time” or “is Master thinking this through?”

It is perfectly acceptable (in most cases) for a slave to ask for clarity, bring ideas, suggest alternatives, or otherwise relay information that the Master might not have considered. But in the end, the order still must be obeyed. Spending a lot of time questioning the order can be highly counter-productive and frustrating for both parties. The ideal is to move from compliance to obedience as quickly as possible.

It makes everyone’s life more pleasant.

Next, we have…

Reactive vs Proactive Service

Many have said that there are two basic styles of service:

Reactive – The slave does exactly what is asked and no more

Proactive – The slave does everything that is asked and learns to anticipate the Master’s needs, providing service that is not specifically directed.

The Master must decide which of these two models to which He expects His slave to conform.

Reactive service is desirable to a Master for whom control is most important. These Masters are often said to “micro-manage” their slaves, controlling them in much more specific ways than those who prefer proactive service.

For a Master that desires more general control, proactive (or anticipatory) service is preferable. He will generally give orders that begin with, “unless I order you otherwise….” so the slave knows His general preferences. If those desires change, He will issue a different order, but generally He expects things done a certain way and doesn’t want to have to specify every time. These Masters may or may not micro-manage those tasks, meaning that they may or may not set down specific steps to be taken in performing repetitive tasks.

Where we get into difficulty is when the Master desires “presumptive” service. This is often described as wanting a slave that can read the mind of the Master. In my opinion, this is setting the slave up for failure. No slave can mystically discern what Master will want. When this is successful, the reality is that the slave is deciding what Master wants. If this pleases the Master, it is not wrong – but it is certainly a shift in control.

For example:

In a restaurant, two Master/slave couples have dinner:

Reactive – The Master drives to the restaurant. The slave follows the Master into the restaurant. The Master chooses the table, orders for both from the menu (usually without the slave’s input), decides when the dinner is finished, pays the bill, and leaves with the slave dutifully following.

Proactive – The slave chauffeurs the Master to the restaurant, chooses a table, seats the Master, orders for the Master (because they have been previously schooled on His tastes), deals with the wait staff throughout the meal, pays the check and generally supervises every aspect of the dinner.

Neither model is wrong and often in most cases, are some combination of the two.

Which leads us to…

Expectations in Service

In our consensual framework, there is usually an expectation attached to service.

Service is conducted in one of three basic ways:

Transactional – service is exchanged for some benefit. This benefit may take many forms. In business, service is exchanged for money. In Top/bottom relationships, service may be exchanged for play. In D/s or M/s relationships (as much as we would like to deny it), service is often exchanged for security, attention, play, and a host of other things that meet the needs of the sub or slave. There is nothing wrong with this. The needs of both parties are being met and as long as both feels they are making an equitable exchange, it can be highly successful.

Devotional – We tend to think of religion when this word is used, and it is an accurate reference because those with a call to clergy or other religious service fit this definition…But it is also possible to serve a Master simply because you love or respect Him sufficiently that providing such service is reward enough. There is no payback from the Master, other than being who He is.

This type of service often manifests itself in short term situations where a slave has an opportunity to provide service to someone they admire, for a short period of time. The experience and ability to show gratitude for what they have received from this person in teaching or inspiration is benefit enough. In long term devotional service situations however, there usually needs to be significant caring on the part of the Master to the slave in order to sustain this type of devotion.

Positional – This type of service is rendered without significant regard for the object of the service. Those of you who have read the fictional “Marketplace” books can recall that the slaves were sold to anyone who had enough money to place a successful bid. The service was predicated upon the position of the slave within the marketplace and that slave served without regard to the identity of the Master who owned them.

Can this occur in real life? Yes, but only in limited circumstances. A slave might “sell” her services in an auction to benefit a charity or for the erotic appeal of the experience. A Master might “give away” His slave for a limited period of service. A slave often serves in a function or event in this manner. The idea of positional service is hot! However, in reality, slaves are people too and they normally need some fulfillment of their own needs in order to continue to serve. Situations where this need can be fulfilled by interchangeable Masters is probably quite rare.

And in conclusion…

A few additional notes about service:

When a slave has a hard time understanding the “why” of an order, especially when they can clearly see a more efficient way of carrying out the task, it is sometimes helpful to consider the Master’s motivation.

The Master may be training the slave to be obedient

The Master may be training a specific task that He wants done to His specification for reasons He may or may not choose to share with the slave

The Master may be optimizing the task for His own comfort or pleasure in a way that the slave may not immediately understand.

Examples:

a. Master may have a physical limitation that makes it beneficial to do a task less efficiently in order to shorten the duration of the task.

b. Master may enjoy doing a task in a less efficient manner because of some peripheral benefit that the slave may not see.

  The best answer for this type of dilemma is to communicate.

The post Thoughts Regarding Service appeared first on Free the Kink.

What I want to touch base on this time around is how does one go about
finding a mentor that is right for you.

First off, a mentor is not just some friend that you can talk to…Although
they could start out that way. A mentor is someone that you can get advice
from, learn from and feel close to in your BDSM role. They exist to help
you learn not only who you are and what to expect in different lifestyle
situations you may encounter as you grow in confidence with said role.

Furthermore…

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE AN INTIMATE, PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MENTOR.

Read that part again.

Moving forward.

Look at it from a real world example: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. These
volunteers are mentors for the needy all over the nation. They become
friends and confidants for those involved and some go on to be close to
their little brothers/sisters well into adult hood.

They strengthen the person’s confidence and provide them an outlet to learn and grow without the stress of parents influence. It is healthy and
beneficial for both parties.

A BDSM mentor should be similar.

So…Is your potential mentor’s beliefs and definitions on par with yours?

You want to find a mentor that has the same definitions of common terms in BDSM. If they feel that a submissive and a slave are the same thing, and
you do not, then they will not be compatible with you when you bring up
topics along that thread of thought.

Not to beat a dead submissive (Damn, that went dark) but your first few
conversations should be treated as an interview. Ask them how they came
into BDSM, what they think about safewords and relationships and those all
important personal terms. If they mesh well with what you think then keep
going, then this person could be a good mentor for you.

If you are so new that you do not know what those personal definitions mean
for you, then I would suggest that you take on what is known as an open
mentor. This is someone that is available for new people to learn for
themselves and helps guide you into your own definitions so that you can
find a more targeted mentor later on if you choose to. I have been an open
mentor on numerous occasions and enjoy helping those who are serious about finding oneself before they key into the specifics of their new life in the BDSM world. I have also done focused mentoring, but I do prefer that your personal beliefs and definitions are solidified first.

Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.

You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.

You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

Furthermore,

When you first meet someone or talk to someone that is considering being
your mentor, are they professional in manner? You should feel comfortable
around them relatively easily and feel free to talk about whatever is on
your mind. If you feel uncomfortable or their questions are far more
private than your relationship allows, this can be seen as a warning sign
that they are not the mentor for you.

A mentor’s job is to make a novice comfortable with what they are
experiencing and who they are, if that can not happen in the interview
phase it may not happen at all.

Finally, and perhaps the most important part…

Does the potential mentor appear to know what they are talking about?

Mentors are not going to know everything, but they are going to be well
versed in a lot of aspects that people new to the lifestyle come to them
with questions about. If your mentor gives you the impression that they do
not know a whole lot about what you need to talk about, it may be best to
seek out someone else. Great mentors will be prepared for all questions,
even if it means they need to research and learn before they can give you
quality advice. Someone not willing to work for you as well as with you is
not really taking your growth seriously.

Granted, there are a lot of other things to look for in a mentor, but for
now; take these thoughts and figure out if a mentor would be someone you
want in your current situation. If it is, start seeking them. Again,
interview them before you start pouring your thoughts to them. Get to know them as a person and as a submissive. Feel comfortable with them and don’t let them lead the thoughts, they are there for your growth.

Continue to learn and your journey will develop.

The post Finding a Mentor appeared first on Free the Kink.

There seems to be a misunderstanding of the littles, middles, princesses, princes, young royals, and even liddles. Some say they are part of the bdsm community; some say they are not. Some view them as the cute and snuggly; some view their dynamic as borderline pedophilia. Haters gonna hate, amirite?

Did you know that not all littles are submissive? Mind blown! Yes, there are Dominant littles. Below, I have given examples and definitions of some of the terms one may find themselves coming across when in or adjacent to this lifestyle. These terms are not all inclusive, as each person can define themselves as they wish. These are just generalized definitions to get a better understanding.

Little- a person of any gender that exhibits child like behavior, specifically around age 2 to 7. They can either get into, “little space” or they could always be a little, and get into “big space” to do things like go to work, pay bills, etc, living the rest of the time as a little.

Liddle- a term to describe a little thats just a bit older. Age 8 to about 11. They enjoy more age appropriate activities to that age group.

Middle- Pre-teen to about 16. They are the ones whom live a life with all the ups and downs of teen “angst”. This is where the majority of bratty behavior is displayed. Ahh, cellphones, tiktok dances, moodswings, sassy backtalk… and no, not all middles are that way. Some are gearing up for adulthood and learning responsibility.

Brats. Id be doing a disservice if I didn’t mention Brats. Brats are just that. Brats. A brat is in an authority exchange dynamic with a caregiver of some type. Which one is in charge? Ill allow you, the reader to determine that for yourself.

Princes – young boys who are treated as royalty

Princesses – young girls who are treated as royalty

Young Royals – the gender neutral term for the above definitions to be radically inclusive.

Caregiver- the adult standing side of the dynamic. Goes by many terms. Daddy, Mommy, Auntie, King, Advisor, the list goes on. But I digress. We are speaking of the littles side of things here.

For the examples, I will use the gender neutral term of young royals. I wish everyone to be included.

Examples of possible Dynamics
This list is not all inclusive of every style of dynamic. These are just generalized definitions for a better beginning of understanding.

Young Royal – submissive.
This is the person that ultimately wants to be good, follow the rules, get rewarded, and be praised. They will push up against the rules to see just how far they stretch, and to make sure their Dominant type is watching. Yes, they will sometimes overstep. This is why they need a reminder.

An example of a submissive young royal would be Advisor/young royal. Someone to tell them what to do, and be held accountable.

Young Royal – Dominant
This is the person who doesnt follow the rules because they make the rules. If their caregiver tells them no, they may stomp on a foot, pull hair, slap, etc. These people are the ones in control. Example. They dont want 6 strawberries; they want THOSE 6 strawberries, cut in perfect halves, on the left side of the castle shaped plate, with 3 different chocolate dances on the right to be dipped into. And by God, they’ll have it or else!

An example of a Dominant young royal would be
Young Royal \ servant. This works well with masochistic service oriented people. The Young Royal demands , the servant delivers.

There are also multi little dynamics. Example.
Middle/little. Does anyone remember how when Mom left and our older sibling was in charge? Remember how the older sibling bossed us around and made us do all the chores and threaten to beat us if we didnt? Ta-da! That’s this sort of dynamic.

Also, we can reverse this to Little/middle. This is when the younger of the two, controls the power through, crying to Mom, saying you hit them, fear tactics, youthful manipulation, etc. The little has the control here.

There are also many other dynamics involving Dominant or submissive pets, but that’s for another time.

I know I have barely scratched the surface on this very interesting set of personalities and dynamics. Hopefully you continue your education and seek out people to talk with and learn from..

So, whatever they are, they are definitely to stay.

Now go cover someone in stickers, tie a sheet around your shoulders and be the superhero you are you pretty little princess you.

The post Littles, Middles, and Bigs, oh my! appeared first on Free the Kink.

Impact play is by far one of my favorite kinks and the most common in my daily  life. I am committed to turning anything into an impact tool. In this first section, we will discuss the basics before impact play. We will also discuss Prep and headspace, spankings, flogging, whipping, caning and tips to avoid leather butt. 

First things first. A common knowledge of the human body is critical and if you  don’t take the time to do your research, you should not be practicing impact play.  Just like bondage, there are areas of the body that if struck could cause serious  injury or death, so do your homework. I do not subscribe to “safe play” of any  kind, but a lack of knowledge puts your bottom in unnecessary and careless  danger. 

Secondly, bottoms, you have a responsibility to ensure that the Top you are  entrusting yourself to displays the knowledge to sufficiently execute proper  impact play. If you are a bottom and a Top who are learning this journey for the  first time, then you both should be learning together to avoid costly mistakes. 

Safewords and safe signals are an individual dynamic issue. However, in my  personal opinion, if you are with play partners or people who do not know you  and your physical reactions well, have something in place. 

If limits apply to the scenario, then they need to be thoroughly discussed and  expressly agreed upon prior to any play of any kind. Limits are like safewords and  are dynamic dependent. Again, in my opinion, with play partners or people who  do not know you and your physical reactions well, have something in place. 

Understanding the implements of your chosen craft are very important and will  be something the Top will have to explore to find their favorites. I personally love whips more than floggers, but I adore canes above all others. I personally do not  like wood implements, so you see everyone is different and it takes homework  and practice. Just don’t be afraid to branch out and try new things. 

Practice first, play later. When playing with an implement for the first time, don’t  just come out of the box swinging. Use things like pillows to take some practice 

swats, get a good feeling for the implement. The weight, how it handles, how  hard does it come down and so forth. Sometimes a melon is a great way to test a  new implement. These are questions you, as a Top, need to know before you use  it on your bottom. In my personal opinion, I feel you should be willing to test an  impact tool on yourself as well. You should have some idea of what the tool feels  like, so that you can understand how to use it better. 

This list is by no means comprehensive, it is just scratching the surface. But at the  very least, these things need to be taken seriously before you venture into any  type of serious impact play. 

What are some of the things you do before you use impact play in your scene? 

 Let’s talk about prep

I am a big believer in preparation before a good impact session. I like to bring my  bottom into a certain headspace. Usually I enjoy bringing her to at least one  orgasm, so she is relaxed and euphoric. I like to talk a lot so I can get her mind  thinking. The scene I am trying to create will dictate what I say and how I say it.  Tone is just as important as the words themselves. 

Another thing that I like doing is massaging my bottom’s globes (the round fatty  part of the butt), getting her muscles nice and relaxed. I like to use oils vs lotions during a massage. 

Something a friend recently taught me was to apply heat to the butt as part of the  prep process. Heat will help blood flow and gives the skin more elasticity. Heat application, such as a heating pad, can help the bottom relax and loosens the  tissue around the heated area. The best part of heat in my opinion, is how it  makes such a significant increase in the bruises that are left behind. It really  intensifies the marks.

Timing in between strikes and intensity of the impact is also a critical component  of an impact session. Coming out of the gate swinging at full scale can sometimes  reduce the length of time a session can last. Starting off slow and easy, taking  small little breaks to rub and massage. Maybe even heating the area back up from  time to time can all have a positive outcome to the session. Only using full force  (this is dynamic specific) for the last 10-15 minutes of the session is also recommended. 

What are some things you do for Prep prior to impact play? 

Implements (My Personal Favorite) 

Whips – I enjoy using whips, only second to my canes. My favorite aspect of the  whip is the sound it makes as it cracks off the butt of my bottom. I focus more on  delivering a stingy sensation during my whip play. The sting sensation is felt  primarily on the surface of the skin and leaves very beautiful marks. I enjoy the  snapping, because it is common to split the skin. (Not for the faint of heart or  inexperienced). However, the whip is capable of delivering a serious thud if that’s your thing. It’s all in the techniques you use. Some common techniques are overhand, circus crack or reverse snap. 

Canes – My absolute favorite impact tool. First, you have to decide what type of  material you will use natural or synthetic. Some natural options are Bamboo,  Rattan and Reed. Natural canes are more difficult to use and care for but are  worth it. I personally like Bamboo. It does however require good maintenance because if it dries out, it will crack, and they are not cheap. Some good synthetic options are Fiberglass, Plastic or Carbon Fibre. Plastic is a great choice for beginners, since it does not require much care and is extremely flexible and easy  to control.

Floggers – Floggers are versatile and come in many options for material and style.  There are so many techniques to master, flogging can provide a lot of fun and  new learning experiences for a very long time. For me personally, I am focused on  trying to learn to Dual Wield and ultimately be able to Florentine. 

Avoiding Leather Butt 

What is leather butt? It is a condition that forms from receiving regular, hard spankings over a long period of time. Tends to leave the buttocks leathery from built up scar tissue and desensitized from nerve damage. A couple tips on avoiding this: switch implements often, use lotions and oils on the butt, or soak in a warm bath. These methods will help recuperate the cells in the rump. However, the only real way to avoid this is to take longer breaks in between impacting areas that begin to lose sensation or start to need much harder impacts to give care to those areas. You can still enjoy impact during this time, just utilize other areas  such as thighs, calves or feet.  

Final thoughts

 No matter what techniques you are using or what implement you prefer, the  most important things are these. Take time to learn your implements and know  the human body so you can deliver your strikes without hitting the no-go zones.  Keep an open mind and open communication. Study, learn, and research. I love to  impact but I am just scratching the surface. It is a journey and as long as you don’t  ever give up learning and experimenting, you can enjoy impact as a lifelong  pleasure, no matter what side of the slash you’re on.

The post Impact Play appeared first on Free the Kink.

This has driven many people with lifelong or recently discovered Fetish desires, to suppress, hide, or deny the truth of this critically important dimension of their personality. Our culture offers very few safe places for someone to discuss and learn about how to safely explore this aspect of their desire, or get reliable sex advice. The culture at large would like you to simply…not be that way!  This is similar to the inane thinking about gays and lesbians, before they finally organized and fought for their civil rights to be who they were sexually, starting just 60 years ago. Fetish Sexuality is just beginning this journey to be accepted, honored, respected “normalized”!

Your sexual desire, whatever it looks like, no matter how dark, perverse or taboo, is an authentic and integral part of who you are. It is core to your nature. It is core to your psyche, and ultimately your physical, emotional and spiritual health. It is your truth! Your sexual desires, from sacred to profane, deserve to be honored, encouraged, understood, and safely expressed. And this expression is meant to occur in a safe, conscious, responsible manner with another consenting and consciously engaged adult partner.

Fetish, which can include kink, D/s, BDSM and a wide array of alternative sexuality, is a valid sexual orientation, similar to gay or lesbian orientation. It is innate, inherent, and it does not go away.  

It is yours for life. You cannot disown it. It does not need to be fixed or extracted, though many push it down into shadow, where it may leak out in disturbing, risky, dangerous or compulsive behaviors. Human Eros, of every sort,  is simply irrepressible!

Your sexual truth, like any other aspect of who you authentically are, will not damage you nor those you consciously engage with.

What is damaging and traumatic are the outdated cultural, moral, social, political, legal and religious codes that are intended to make us feel afraid, ashamed, immoral, criminal, pathological, sick, disgusting or dangerous about our sexuality. 

These traumas, shamings and harsh internalized moral judgments inflicted on us as we grew up, have gotten tangled up with our natural sexual desires.  This has left many people frozen, and unable to express their innate desires joyfully, without simultaneously feeling guilty, ashamed or afraid of  their own desires. 

This can leave them feeling stuck psychologically, emotionally and sexually, shut down or disconnected.

The key to coming to terms with who we are in the world of kink is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably and consciously, in a way that is in integrity with the agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompass our core values. 

We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious but powerful negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

The post Becoming the New Norm appeared first on Free the Kink.

If there’s nothing that gets you going more than the adulation of your partner’s cock, cock worship might just be your thing.

What is cock worship?
It’s about an over abundance of attention and affection shown to a cock, real or otherwise. Many even have celebrations or rituals around this. Cock worship is so much more than just some epic handy or blow job. It’s about the adoration, the lavishing of focus the cock is shown and the empowerment the cock itself has.

The worship of cock is timeless, many ancient cultures revered and even erected statues in its honor. There is even some debate about the resemblance in even some modern day structures. From the ancient to the modern, the cock has long been a preoccupation.

Cock worship can incorporate so many aspects from the sensual to the spiritual. It can also be full of celebration, ceremony and ritual. The act may be a demonstration of submission or Domination or have a degradation or humiliation component to it. The only object really is to bestow so much attention and pleasure that it builds and creates a mind blowing experience for the receiver.

Here are a few tips to get you started along the way of creating your ultimate cock worshipping session,

Set the scene
Create an inviting, sensual environment. Make sure it has the right ambiance. If you planned any kind of ritual or ceromony, you’ll definitely want to make sure everything is ready before hand. Nothing like having to run and back and forth for items to kill the mood. If you’re struggling for a few ideas on some things that might help set the mood, try some of these:

-silk sheets
-blindfold
-candles
-rose petals
-massage oils
-lubes
-toys

The possibilities are endless, they’re only limited by your imagination in ways you can praise cock.

Positions and The Visual Aspect
What is the right position? The truth is there is no wrong position, it is usually preferable that at least the cock is comfortable, otherwise it may not be as enjoyable and that’s not what we’re going for here. However having the receiver lying down on their back propped up can be a comfortable position and has a great added visual aspect to it as well. There can be a real visual component to cock worship. This position allows for the one receiving the worship to watch all that attention being lavished on them.

Be Connected
Be in the moment and connect with your partner and their body. Focus on your partner, how much you want to excite them and how excited it makes you. Get into it and stay in the moment. Take in your partner’s unique taste and smell. Make eye contact, as you touch them. Be genuine in your words and excitement.

Take Your Time
This is not about trying to get your partner off, it’s about taking the time to worship every inch of them. Lick, rub, praise and appreciate them tip to bottom.

Vocalize It
Use your words. Describe how good they look and how good they feel in your hands. Tell them how excited it makes you to be in their cock’s presence. Ask them what feels good and what they want. Most of all, be real.

Incorporate Your Hands and Mouth
Use both your hands to slowly to rub and massage up and down their member. Save the rapid action for another time and instead work the cock with slow, deep massaging motions, starting at the tip and working down the shaft. Massage oils can also make this experience more pleasurable. Don’t forget to get your mouth involved in the massaging action as well. Just like the hands, focus on taking them slowly and deeply in your mouth. You can use hands and mouth in tandem when worshipping to increase the amount of attention you’re showing to their cock.

Cock worship can be erotic and intense for both involved. Just remember this one of those things that’s about the journey, not the destination.

Enjoy!

The post Worship the D appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay then…First, the basics.

Masturbation is when an individual stimulates their genitals for sexual pleasure, which may or may not lead to orgasm. Masturbation is common among men and women of all ages and plays a role in one’s healthy sexual development.

People masturbate for many reasons, which includes pleasure, enjoyment, fun, and tension release. Some individuals masturbate alone, while others masturbate with a partner or partners.

Of course, you can find many myths about the “dangers” regarding masturbation. Even though many of these myths have been debunked several times, they seem to keep resurfacing time and time again.

Thing is that these falsehoods about masturbation are not backed up by science in any way, shape or form. There is often no scientific evidence to show that masturbation causes any of the adverse effects suggested.

So, seeing that this is an educational format…Masturbation will not cause:

• blindness
• hairy palms
• impotence later in life
• erectile dysfunction
• penis shrinkage
• penis curvature
• low sperm count
• infertility
• mental illness
• physical weakness
• damages kidneys and causes kidney failure or kidney pain.

Some couples also worry that their relationship must be unsatisfying if either one of them masturbates…This is also a myth as chances are that they were masturbating long before they first met anyhow.

In fact, most men and women continue to masturbate either alone or together when they are in a relationship or married, and many find it an enjoyable part of their relationship.

Masturbating increases blood flow throughout your body and releases those feel good brain chemicals called endorphins and while the male species are more likely to talk about blowing off steam by masturbating, research suggests it is a stress reliever for all sexes.

“So Matthias, now that I know I’m not going to go blind, I can crank it or rub one out with willful abandon, right?”

Whoa…Slow down there One-Eyed Willy…

As I mentioned earlier, masturbation is harmless…However, some may experience chafing or tender skin if they are too rough, but this will usually heal in a few days.

Furthermore, if men frequently masturbate within a short space of time, they may experience a slight swelling of the penis called an edema…Swelling that occurs when too much fluid becomes trapped in the tissues of the body, particularly the skin but also usually disappears within a couple of days.

Before we continue, a disclaimer…

Although I may have worked in the mental health field, let me just point out that I am not a licensed therapist, nor am I a medical researcher.

The following information was gleamed from professional therapists, the Kinsey Institute, the American Medical Association and Biju International (Formally the British Journal of Urology).

Other potential side effects include:

Guilt

Some people who worry that masturbation conflicts with their religious, spiritual, or cultural beliefs may indeed experience feelings of guilt. However, masturbation is not immoral or wrong, and self-pleasure is not shameful.

Discussing your feelings of guilt with a friend, healthcare professional, or therapist that specializes in sexual health might help a person to move past feelings of guilt or shame that they connect with masturbation.

Decreased Sexual Sensitivity

In line with the thought that having too much is not necessarily a good thing, aggressive or excessive masturbation techniques may lead to reduced sexual sensitivity.

If men have an aggressive masturbation method that involves too tight a grip on their penis, they can experience decreased sensation. A man can resolve this over time with a change of technique.

Enhanced stimulation, such as using a vibrator, fleshlight or the like, may increase arousal and overall sexual function in both men and women.

Women who use a vibrator have reported improved sexual function and lubrication, while men experienced an improvement in erectile function.

Be advised that the jury is still out on the following…

Prostate Cancer

Does masturbation increase or decrease the risk for prostate cancer?

My non-professional opinion?

*shrug* “I dunno.”

Researchers need to conduct more studies before they can reach a conclusion.

A study back in 2003 demonstrated that men who ejaculated more than five times each week during their 20s were one third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer than those who ejaculated less often.

Researchers speculate that the reduced risk was because frequent ejaculation may prevent the build-up of cancer-causing agents in the prostate gland.

Another study regarding frequent ejaculation lowering the risk of prostate cancer was discovered in 2016 where researchers found that men who ejaculated 21 times per month or more had a reduced risk of developing prostate cancer.

Why such a specific number? Again, my answer is “shrug”.

However, in contrast, a study in 2008 found that frequent sexual activity during a man’s 20s and 30s increased his risk of prostate cancer, especially if he masturbated regularly.

Like I said earlier, more research is needed.

Moving forward…

There have been cases where individuals masturbate more than they desire (No, really. It’s true!) which may actually…

• cause them to miss work, school, or important social events
• interrupt a person’s daily functioning
• affect their responsibilities and relationships
• serve as an escape from relationship issues or substitute for real-life experiences

Someone who thinks they might be adversely impacted by their masturbation practice should speak with a healthcare professional.

A doctor or counselor may suggest talk therapy to determine ways that they could manage their sexual behavior.

Consulting a sex therapist may also help with coping strategies for excessive masturbation.

What Else Do We Know?

Dr. Judi Chervenak, a gynecologist at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City, has stated that masturbation can relieve postmenopausal sexual issues. According to Dr. Chervenak, the vagina can actually narrow, which can make intercourse and vaginal exams more painful. But masturbation, especially with a water-based lubricant, can help prevent narrowing, boost the blood flow, relieve some tissue and moisture problems, and increase sexual desire.

Masturbation also helps you figure out what you like sexually…Where do you want to be touched? How much pressure feels good? How fast or how slow? Learning how to have orgasms on your own can make it easier to have one with a partner, because you can tell or show them what feels good.

And when you are comfortable with sex, your body, and talking to your partner, you are more likely to feel comfortable protecting yourself against STDs and unintended pregnancy.

So in conclusion…

Masturbation in itself is not unhealthy or bad for you at all. Masturbation can actually be good for your health, both mentally and physically. And it is pretty much the safest sex out there.

So, break out the vibrators, warm up that lube, poach that egg, take that self guided tour, shuck the corn, orbit Venus, scratch Yoda behind the ear (Yep, that is also a term) grab the cucumber, DYI, pet the cat, celebrate palm Sunday and be sure to do your part in celebrating National Masturbation Month!

Happy endings to all and to all a damned good time!

The post Masturbation appeared first on Free the Kink.

One of the very asked, yet hard to define questions about living a 24\7 dynamic are the “How-tos.” How to do this. How to do that. Et cetera,  et cetera,  you get the idea. For me, in my experience, through trial and error,  it is best to write, in full detail,  exactly what one wishes to see. In writing,  the rules and protocols become real. They are now seen. They can be referenced. They are tangible on that piece of paper. There can be no confusion. I would dare to even say they are set in stone; but alas, although extremely important,  they are penned in ink.  However,  let us not use the invisible kind, but a strong and solid black or blue; you know,  the same colors that some of our pain sluts aka masochists enjoy to wear.  But I digress, let us continue. 

I have created a chart. I do so enjoy charts. They bring me happiness in being consistent. Whenever a question arises, reference the chart for clarification.  Simple. Easy. Efficient.  I do so like efficiency. 

This chart is a way, the way, that I run my daily monitoring of my s type. These are my daily expectations. This chart will give you, the new or old Doms and subs, a creative way to incorporate understanding and proper communication.  Use it as you wish. Adjust it for your own dynamic.  Id expect nothing less of you.  I do hope you enjoy. 

Master Daemons Rules of Daily Conduct 

Rule 1. Take care of Masters property. This means yourself. 

• 1 A Eat and drink right according to diet. 
• 1 B Exercise according to goals.
• 1 C Take meds as prescribed 
• 1 D Bathe and personal hygiene 

Rule 2. Report any change of status. 

• 2 A Stay communicative. 
• 2 B Emotional status: 
• B 1 Sadness
• B 2 Angry 
• B 3 Loneliness
• B 4 Scared
• 2 C Mental status: 
• C 1 Insecurity 
• C 2 Confusion
• C 3 Discomfort in Rules, Protocols
• C 4 Thoughts that can cause resentment
• 2 D Physical status: 
• D 1 Illness or sicknesses
• D 2 Accidents or falls
• D 3 Blood, Breaks ,Sprains
• D 4 Sudden health changes 

Rule 3 Personal Responsibility – Word

• 3 A Lying is forbidden. 
• 3 B Be open to receive instruction.
• 3 C Be transparent, no matter the cost
• 3 D Have candor. Speak in real truths. 

Rule 4 Personal Responsibility- Deed

• 4 A Always keep ones word
• 4 B Never cause harm to self or another
• 4 C Always Walk your Talk.
• 4 D Comport yourself with grace 

Rule 5 Forgiveness

• 5 A Forgive yourself for mistakes once corrected.
• 5 B Forgive others for trespasses against you, but learn from it so it doesn’t happen again.
• B 1 DO NOT allow them to rent space in your head. 

Rule 6 Boundaries 

• 6 A Set healthy, with love not a machete 
• 6 B Maintain and adjust as deemed prudent 

Rule 7 Love

• 7 A Love yourself unconditionally. 
• 7 B Treat others you love genteelly. 
• 7 C Love your world and treat with respect
• 7 D Love your family fully w\o expectations
• 7 E New love found, See Rule 2.

Add more as necessity demands. Add your own flair to reflect your own and unique dynamic. Have fun with this chart. Life is too short to drink cheap wine out of a box.  Love each day fully. 

After all, you are in one of the best dynamics to bring great happiness to your life. 

Enjoy it.

The post The Daily Struggle appeared first on Free the Kink.

Part of it is out of necessity. It seems as if every single day, I come across someone who dropped every bit of common sense in the name of submission. These are the people need to hear and read the warnings about wannabe Doms who think that throwing out an order and smacking an ass on occasion equals dominance.

Another part of it is that it is just easier to talk about. BDSM wannabes Doms do very common things…They lie, cheat, become violent, ignore consent….The list goes on.

They were jackasses before they discovered BDSM. Now they are jackasses with most likely a self proclaimed title and too many eager and willing victims.

Here is the thing…We do not talk a lot about is what makes a good Dominant or what does one look like. This is a harder picture to paint simply because all submissives want and need something a little different.

*cracks knuckles* However, I enjoy a challenge every now and then.

Besides, I do actually get weary of scaring people with warnings, red flags and the like…Regardless of how often it needs to be reiterated. So this time around, I would like to celebrate the good Dominants of the world.

While it is one of my philosophies that everyone is a work in progress…And although results might differ, I believe regardless of gender, sexuality, race, looks, height, weight, etc. a good Dominant will have some if not all of these characteristics.

Oh, and again for those in the back of the room, I despise the terms “real”, “true, “alpha” or any other useless precursor to the term “Dominant” unless I am using the terms in jest while describing the little incell and often insecure wannabes that are out there.

You know who you are.

Good Dominants, however, are indeed very real. Bad Dominants either have their own issues to work on or just need more education. The mark of a bad Dominant who can become a good Dominant is their willingness to listen, learn, and make changes. Oh, and really bad Dominants, the kind you warn strangers about? They are abusers, plain and simple. Believe that. I do not even consider them Dominants, no matter what they call themselves.

Neither should you.

Now…Where was I?

Okay, so what does a good Dominant look like?

*Note that I will be using the pronouns of He/Him for Dominants and she/her for submissives for convenience but one can make their own adjustments as necessary*

Good Dominants are patient. In my many conversations that I have had with submissives, I recall a lot of them advising that there was a reason many of them compare their Dominants to wild animals…Have you ever see an animal in the wild on the hunt?

They are the epitome of patience…Waiting for just the right moment to “attack”. A patient Dominant takes the time to get to know you as a person first. They might not even discuss kink until well into the relationship. They give you the time you need to become comfortable with them.

They WORK for your trust.

How does someone build trust? By being both honest and consistent. A good Dominant is both. They understand it is not just the things they say but also how one behaves…They do what they say they are going to do. They share the details of their life…Both good or bad…And because they are patient, they know it takes time.

As for my sins, when I began my solo journey into BDSM, it took almost a year or so of patience, communication, full disclosure and honesty before she became my submissive…And it was definitely worth it.

When it comes to good a good Dominant, you will find at sense of stability…Both mentally and emotionally.

It is an undeniable fact that everyone gets angry. It is a natural event. However, as an adult, you do not have to have a temper tantrum when you get angry…Or when you do not get your way.

Hmm…Some people might feel some type of way with that last statement.

Good.

Furthermore, anyone can have an mental illness (Such as yours truly) like depression or anxiety but not everyone uses unhealthy means to medicate or deal with the problem.

See where I am trying to go with this?

Anger management issues, addiction issues (that are not being addressed and being worked on), mental illness they will not acknowledge or attend to via proper channels…These are not signs of stability. But the good Dominant will either already be stable or actively work to become that way. They understand that they can not be in control of another human being if they are not in control of themselves first.

A good Dominant is not “selfish”…I used quotation marks because on some level all Dominants are a tad selfish. Think about it…They prefer having all the control and getting exactly what they want…As long as they are only doing it with a consensual partner.

One may even see it as a healthy kind of selfishness…If there is such a thing. At the same token, they also understand that it is not all about them. The needs of their submissive are equally as important and in some cases, more important than their own needs.

Come to think of it, I have not met a good Dominant who does not think of their submissive first in all things. Of course, all bets are off once the submissive is hog-tied on the bed, ass red from a well deserved spanking the Hitachi inserted inserted in the orifice of the Dominant’s choice of course. Now, they are simply and selfishly basking in your pain and pleasure as well as all that control.

*chuckle* Now I am feeling some kind of way.

Moving forward.

A good Dominant will focus on one person at a time. This has nothing to do with being poly which is something completely different. What I am referring to is talking about in that beginning stage where it is time to get to know a person. The Dominant who is interested in you as a human being and a submissive will focus only on you. You will not find them talking to multiple submissives all at once. First of all, they probably have a job and a life so they do not have time for it. And second, they know that with their attention divided like that, they are not giving you everything you deserve.

If you are looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship that has some kind of future, a good Dominant will not keep you on the side while they maintain their vanilla married life. You will become part of their life and their universe.

Now before you break out the pitchforks and torches. I know there are exceptions to that rule…Marriages that are over minus the divorce paperwork, marriages that are loveless and you are both still there for the kids….I get that. However, if a Dominant is willing to keep a submissive on the side while refusing to leave a vanilla spouse, it is not a good sign.

Good Dominants have integrity. This goes back to that whole keeping the submissive on the side thing. Good Dominants do what they say they are going to do. They keep their word to you and to other people….And take ownership if and when they fail to do so. They do what is right even when it is difficult. Such as telling hard truths that no one wants to hear but they manage to do it with respect and/or kindness.

Good Dominants take care of their submissives. Their reasons are as varied as they are. They may consider you a possession. Hell, if that is your kink and you are in agreement to that dynamic, then go forth and be blessed…Good Dominants make sure that they take care of their “toys.”

Maybe it is Daddy/baby girl love dynamic. Maybe (And hear me out on this) it is that they actually care about you as a human being and see your care as part of their responsibilities as a Dominant.

Crazy, right?

Whatever the reasons are, the submissive’s health, well-being, and happiness are important to them.

I will never get tired of saying the following: Good Dominants communicate. It might not always be right when you want to talk about something, but they will talk.

Just like the House Built upon a Rock parable, they understand that good communication is the foundation of a Dominant/submissive relationship. Without it, confusion, miscommunication and mistrust will occur. A good Dominant will tell you what they like, what they do not like, what they want, what they need and so on.

On the flipside, they expect you to talk to them. Once again, I have yet to meet a Dominant with the power of telepathy. They need to know intimate details about your health, about your past, and about who you are as a person. They know that without that information from you, something could go horribly wrong during a scene. But they also know that open communication builds trust and relationships.

The last and maybe the most important sign of a good Dominant (And this becomes more important as you take things from talking to playing) is their understanding of consent. They know for a fact that they cannot do a damned thing without it…And they will work their ass off to gain it. They also check in before, during, and after any type of kinky play. If you throw out a safe word, they know to stop immediately and make sure that you are okay. They will also respect your decision if you change your mind about a scene, an activity, or whatever else.

Be prepared for a whole bunch of communication about it, though.

Of course there are probably even more things that I could say or have forgotten to say about good Dominants but I have been rambling on for awhile now…

With that being said…If you know good Dominants, celebrate them. Thank them. Listen to them. Watch them. Use them as an example when you meet other Dominants. Secondly, if you have not found a good one yet, please, do not give up. They are out there. You will not always recognize them because instead of ordering you to call them “Sir” from the first conversation and attempting to put a collar on you, they will probably just ask how your day was or even do a random wellness check on you.

Word of advice: Do not mistake politeness for a lack of dominance. In fact, good Dominants are more polite and courteous than most other people you will ever meet.

The post What Makes a “Good” Dominant appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, Y/y’all…let’s go ahead and get the educational stuff out of the way, shall we? Odaxelagnia is a Paraphilia involving sexual arousal through biting or being bitten. Odaxelagnia is considered by many to be a mild form of Sadism. In her Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, Dr. Brenda Lovew included a LONG entry on sexual biting and reported that “biting is used by some to sexually excite their partner. It is done on the neck, ears, lips, nipples, back, buttocks, genitals, inner thighs, etc. The pressure used depends on their partner’s pain tolerance”. She also notes that sexual biting is one of the “easiest and most accepted methods” in sexual sadism and sexual masochism. She also claims that sexual biting produces an “increased sensation while bringing some individuals who are emotionally stressed out of their physical numbness, back in touch with their bodies.”

The Kama Sutra goes so far as to name all the different kinds of sexual bites and scratches, including those focused on the breasts and nipples. Eight kinds of bites are described in the chapter ‘On Biting, and the Means to be Employed with Regard to Women of Different Countries’ These are (1) the hidden bite, (2) the swollen bite, (3) the point, (4) the line of points, (5) the coral and the jewel, (6) the line of jewels, (7) the broken cloud, and (8) the biting of the boar. this girl researches biting because it has long been one of her very favorite things!

For many of U/us there aren’t many things as sexy as being nibbled or bitten by O/our partner(s)!!! Nibbling can feel great everywhere: nipples, breasts, arms,
ears, neck, feet, and thighs to name a few.

If Y/you want to bite a little harder, remember…unless T/they can handle the pain, stick to the meaty areas! The pain might be too intense if you chomp down hard on a bony area or if you miss and only bite the sensitive top layer of skin. Aim for the mucsular, meaty parts of the body. Some enjoy gentle bites and/or nibbles on the bony body parts such as fingers, shoulder blades and knees (OMMFG YESSSSS!!!).

For some the thighs are too sensitive and the genitals are an absolute NO because both of those areas are too sensitive and the pain just doesn’t transfer to pleasure for T/them; it just freaking hurts! For O/others, those areas are definitely on the menu!

One of the sexiest moves is when Y/you bite T/them on the back of the neck. This is what lions and other large mammals do to their mates in the wild to hold them still as they mate and there is nothing so sexy and empowering as feeling Y/your partner go weak and limp in Y/your arms, submitting with a sigh, growl or purr as Y/you sink your teeth perfectly into T/their upper shoulder/neck, completely making them Y/yours.

Biting is something that both sides of the slash enjoy. A good reward/incentive for a submissive is being able to sink their teeth into their Dom/mes! For Dom/mes it can serve as a reminder of who Their submissives belong to and who’s in control. It can also be used to put a submissive in the right headspace QUICKLY.

Biting can be as Primal and/or Sensual as Y/you choose it to be. A well timed, well placed bite can transform any moment or scene! Do some Research as well as talk about it with Y/your partner(s) and learn T/their bodies to avoid serious injuries. Once Y/you are confident and comfortable, dive in TEETH FIRST, Y/y’all!

~His Duchess

The post “Just. Like. That.” appeared first on Free the Kink.