Disclaimer: I will also be using the terms Master and slave as well as He/His for the Master and she/her as the slave for convenience purposes. So please insert your own identity tag where necessary.

There are two viewpoints held by those seeking service.

Result oriented – These Masters do not care how it gets done, so long as the result is pleasing. They will give their slaves an order and expect it to be completed within the prescribed time, but give the slave discretion regarding the details.

Task oriented (often called micro-management) – These Masters will give explicit instructions on how to carry out the steps necessary to complete the task and are very interested in compliance about the process. For these Masters, attitude is often more important than skill. They want to see obedience more than they want efficiency.

Neither position is wrong, nor is it necessary for one Master to hold to the same viewpoint consistently. At times, micromanagement may be used as a training tool…Not so much about the task, but about the slave’s attitude toward service.

This brings up another important distinction:

Compliance vs Obedience

Compliance – Acquiescence passive assent or agreement without protest

Obedience – The condition of being obedient

Yes, that second definition can be viewed as a bit of a circular reference, but pay attention to the distinction.

Compliance is yielding to the authority of another. It does not say anything about the condition of the heart. You can comply fully with an order you fully disagree with. It is all about action.

Obedience, on the other hand, is about the condition of the heart and mind. To be acceptably obedient to many Masters, you must align your will with Theirs. For these Masters, compliance is not enough.

They want obedience.

A mentor of mine, Master Sebastian calls this the Directed Response Gap. He defines it as the time between when the slave hears the order and when she makes the Master’s desire her own. Obviously, there will always be a gap. The slave will think things like, “is that really the best way to do this?” or “but there’s not time” or “is Master thinking this through?”

It is perfectly acceptable (in most cases) for a slave to ask for clarity, bring ideas, suggest alternatives, or otherwise relay information that the Master might not have considered. But in the end, the order still must be obeyed. Spending a lot of time questioning the order can be highly counter-productive and frustrating for both parties. The ideal is to move from compliance to obedience as quickly as possible.

It makes everyone’s life more pleasant.

Next, we have…

Reactive vs Proactive Service

Many have said that there are two basic styles of service:

Reactive – The slave does exactly what is asked and no more

Proactive – The slave does everything that is asked and learns to anticipate the Master’s needs, providing service that is not specifically directed.

The Master must decide which of these two models to which He expects His slave to conform.

Reactive service is desirable to a Master for whom control is most important. These Masters are often said to “micro-manage” their slaves, controlling them in much more specific ways than those who prefer proactive service.

For a Master that desires more general control, proactive (or anticipatory) service is preferable. He will generally give orders that begin with, “unless I order you otherwise….” so the slave knows His general preferences. If those desires change, He will issue a different order, but generally He expects things done a certain way and doesn’t want to have to specify every time. These Masters may or may not micro-manage those tasks, meaning that they may or may not set down specific steps to be taken in performing repetitive tasks.

Where we get into difficulty is when the Master desires “presumptive” service. This is often described as wanting a slave that can read the mind of the Master. In my opinion, this is setting the slave up for failure. No slave can mystically discern what Master will want. When this is successful, the reality is that the slave is deciding what Master wants. If this pleases the Master, it is not wrong – but it is certainly a shift in control.

For example:

In a restaurant, two Master/slave couples have dinner:

Reactive – The Master drives to the restaurant. The slave follows the Master into the restaurant. The Master chooses the table, orders for both from the menu (usually without the slave’s input), decides when the dinner is finished, pays the bill, and leaves with the slave dutifully following.

Proactive – The slave chauffeurs the Master to the restaurant, chooses a table, seats the Master, orders for the Master (because they have been previously schooled on His tastes), deals with the wait staff throughout the meal, pays the check and generally supervises every aspect of the dinner.

Neither model is wrong and often in most cases, are some combination of the two.

Which leads us to…

Expectations in Service

In our consensual framework, there is usually an expectation attached to service.

Service is conducted in one of three basic ways:

Transactional – service is exchanged for some benefit. This benefit may take many forms. In business, service is exchanged for money. In Top/bottom relationships, service may be exchanged for play. In D/s or M/s relationships (as much as we would like to deny it), service is often exchanged for security, attention, play, and a host of other things that meet the needs of the sub or slave. There is nothing wrong with this. The needs of both parties are being met and as long as both feels they are making an equitable exchange, it can be highly successful.

Devotional – We tend to think of religion when this word is used, and it is an accurate reference because those with a call to clergy or other religious service fit this definition…But it is also possible to serve a Master simply because you love or respect Him sufficiently that providing such service is reward enough. There is no payback from the Master, other than being who He is.

This type of service often manifests itself in short term situations where a slave has an opportunity to provide service to someone they admire, for a short period of time. The experience and ability to show gratitude for what they have received from this person in teaching or inspiration is benefit enough. In long term devotional service situations however, there usually needs to be significant caring on the part of the Master to the slave in order to sustain this type of devotion.

Positional – This type of service is rendered without significant regard for the object of the service. Those of you who have read the fictional “Marketplace” books can recall that the slaves were sold to anyone who had enough money to place a successful bid. The service was predicated upon the position of the slave within the marketplace and that slave served without regard to the identity of the Master who owned them.

Can this occur in real life? Yes, but only in limited circumstances. A slave might “sell” her services in an auction to benefit a charity or for the erotic appeal of the experience. A Master might “give away” His slave for a limited period of service. A slave often serves in a function or event in this manner. The idea of positional service is hot! However, in reality, slaves are people too and they normally need some fulfillment of their own needs in order to continue to serve. Situations where this need can be fulfilled by interchangeable Masters is probably quite rare.

And in conclusion…

A few additional notes about service:

When a slave has a hard time understanding the “why” of an order, especially when they can clearly see a more efficient way of carrying out the task, it is sometimes helpful to consider the Master’s motivation.

The Master may be training the slave to be obedient

The Master may be training a specific task that He wants done to His specification for reasons He may or may not choose to share with the slave

The Master may be optimizing the task for His own comfort or pleasure in a way that the slave may not immediately understand.

Examples:

a. Master may have a physical limitation that makes it beneficial to do a task less efficiently in order to shorten the duration of the task.

b. Master may enjoy doing a task in a less efficient manner because of some peripheral benefit that the slave may not see.

  The best answer for this type of dilemma is to communicate.

The post Thoughts Regarding Service appeared first on Free the Kink.

What I want to touch base on this time around is how does one go about
finding a mentor that is right for you.

First off, a mentor is not just some friend that you can talk to…Although
they could start out that way. A mentor is someone that you can get advice
from, learn from and feel close to in your BDSM role. They exist to help
you learn not only who you are and what to expect in different lifestyle
situations you may encounter as you grow in confidence with said role.

Furthermore…

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE AN INTIMATE, PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MENTOR.

Read that part again.

Moving forward.

Look at it from a real world example: Big Brothers and Big Sisters. These
volunteers are mentors for the needy all over the nation. They become
friends and confidants for those involved and some go on to be close to
their little brothers/sisters well into adult hood.

They strengthen the person’s confidence and provide them an outlet to learn and grow without the stress of parents influence. It is healthy and
beneficial for both parties.

A BDSM mentor should be similar.

So…Is your potential mentor’s beliefs and definitions on par with yours?

You want to find a mentor that has the same definitions of common terms in BDSM. If they feel that a submissive and a slave are the same thing, and
you do not, then they will not be compatible with you when you bring up
topics along that thread of thought.

Not to beat a dead submissive (Damn, that went dark) but your first few
conversations should be treated as an interview. Ask them how they came
into BDSM, what they think about safewords and relationships and those all
important personal terms. If they mesh well with what you think then keep
going, then this person could be a good mentor for you.

If you are so new that you do not know what those personal definitions mean
for you, then I would suggest that you take on what is known as an open
mentor. This is someone that is available for new people to learn for
themselves and helps guide you into your own definitions so that you can
find a more targeted mentor later on if you choose to. I have been an open
mentor on numerous occasions and enjoy helping those who are serious about finding oneself before they key into the specifics of their new life in the BDSM world. I have also done focused mentoring, but I do prefer that your personal beliefs and definitions are solidified first.

Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.

You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

Are they open in letting you talk or do they tend to force a lot of
questions on you?

A good mentor is going to allow for silence in conversation so that you can
not only think things through but also talk about what you want to talk
about. Mentors know when to point questions at you that will help you
think, but keep the conversation flowing the way that is most beneficial to
you, the mentee, not the mentor.

You should be able to pick up this trait from the interview phase.

Furthermore,

When you first meet someone or talk to someone that is considering being
your mentor, are they professional in manner? You should feel comfortable
around them relatively easily and feel free to talk about whatever is on
your mind. If you feel uncomfortable or their questions are far more
private than your relationship allows, this can be seen as a warning sign
that they are not the mentor for you.

A mentor’s job is to make a novice comfortable with what they are
experiencing and who they are, if that can not happen in the interview
phase it may not happen at all.

Finally, and perhaps the most important part…

Does the potential mentor appear to know what they are talking about?

Mentors are not going to know everything, but they are going to be well
versed in a lot of aspects that people new to the lifestyle come to them
with questions about. If your mentor gives you the impression that they do
not know a whole lot about what you need to talk about, it may be best to
seek out someone else. Great mentors will be prepared for all questions,
even if it means they need to research and learn before they can give you
quality advice. Someone not willing to work for you as well as with you is
not really taking your growth seriously.

Granted, there are a lot of other things to look for in a mentor, but for
now; take these thoughts and figure out if a mentor would be someone you
want in your current situation. If it is, start seeking them. Again,
interview them before you start pouring your thoughts to them. Get to know them as a person and as a submissive. Feel comfortable with them and don’t let them lead the thoughts, they are there for your growth.

Continue to learn and your journey will develop.

The post Finding a Mentor appeared first on Free the Kink.

This has driven many people with lifelong or recently discovered Fetish desires, to suppress, hide, or deny the truth of this critically important dimension of their personality. Our culture offers very few safe places for someone to discuss and learn about how to safely explore this aspect of their desire, or get reliable sex advice. The culture at large would like you to simply…not be that way!  This is similar to the inane thinking about gays and lesbians, before they finally organized and fought for their civil rights to be who they were sexually, starting just 60 years ago. Fetish Sexuality is just beginning this journey to be accepted, honored, respected “normalized”!

Your sexual desire, whatever it looks like, no matter how dark, perverse or taboo, is an authentic and integral part of who you are. It is core to your nature. It is core to your psyche, and ultimately your physical, emotional and spiritual health. It is your truth! Your sexual desires, from sacred to profane, deserve to be honored, encouraged, understood, and safely expressed. And this expression is meant to occur in a safe, conscious, responsible manner with another consenting and consciously engaged adult partner.

Fetish, which can include kink, D/s, BDSM and a wide array of alternative sexuality, is a valid sexual orientation, similar to gay or lesbian orientation. It is innate, inherent, and it does not go away.  

It is yours for life. You cannot disown it. It does not need to be fixed or extracted, though many push it down into shadow, where it may leak out in disturbing, risky, dangerous or compulsive behaviors. Human Eros, of every sort,  is simply irrepressible!

Your sexual truth, like any other aspect of who you authentically are, will not damage you nor those you consciously engage with.

What is damaging and traumatic are the outdated cultural, moral, social, political, legal and religious codes that are intended to make us feel afraid, ashamed, immoral, criminal, pathological, sick, disgusting or dangerous about our sexuality. 

These traumas, shamings and harsh internalized moral judgments inflicted on us as we grew up, have gotten tangled up with our natural sexual desires.  This has left many people frozen, and unable to express their innate desires joyfully, without simultaneously feeling guilty, ashamed or afraid of  their own desires. 

This can leave them feeling stuck psychologically, emotionally and sexually, shut down or disconnected.

The key to coming to terms with who we are in the world of kink is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably and consciously, in a way that is in integrity with the agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompass our core values. 

We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious but powerful negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

The post Becoming the New Norm appeared first on Free the Kink.

One of the very asked, yet hard to define questions about living a 24\7 dynamic are the “How-tos.” How to do this. How to do that. Et cetera,  et cetera,  you get the idea. For me, in my experience, through trial and error,  it is best to write, in full detail,  exactly what one wishes to see. In writing,  the rules and protocols become real. They are now seen. They can be referenced. They are tangible on that piece of paper. There can be no confusion. I would dare to even say they are set in stone; but alas, although extremely important,  they are penned in ink.  However,  let us not use the invisible kind, but a strong and solid black or blue; you know,  the same colors that some of our pain sluts aka masochists enjoy to wear.  But I digress, let us continue. 

I have created a chart. I do so enjoy charts. They bring me happiness in being consistent. Whenever a question arises, reference the chart for clarification.  Simple. Easy. Efficient.  I do so like efficiency. 

This chart is a way, the way, that I run my daily monitoring of my s type. These are my daily expectations. This chart will give you, the new or old Doms and subs, a creative way to incorporate understanding and proper communication.  Use it as you wish. Adjust it for your own dynamic.  Id expect nothing less of you.  I do hope you enjoy. 

Master Daemons Rules of Daily Conduct 

Rule 1. Take care of Masters property. This means yourself. 

• 1 A Eat and drink right according to diet. 
• 1 B Exercise according to goals.
• 1 C Take meds as prescribed 
• 1 D Bathe and personal hygiene 

Rule 2. Report any change of status. 

• 2 A Stay communicative. 
• 2 B Emotional status: 
• B 1 Sadness
• B 2 Angry 
• B 3 Loneliness
• B 4 Scared
• 2 C Mental status: 
• C 1 Insecurity 
• C 2 Confusion
• C 3 Discomfort in Rules, Protocols
• C 4 Thoughts that can cause resentment
• 2 D Physical status: 
• D 1 Illness or sicknesses
• D 2 Accidents or falls
• D 3 Blood, Breaks ,Sprains
• D 4 Sudden health changes 

Rule 3 Personal Responsibility – Word

• 3 A Lying is forbidden. 
• 3 B Be open to receive instruction.
• 3 C Be transparent, no matter the cost
• 3 D Have candor. Speak in real truths. 

Rule 4 Personal Responsibility- Deed

• 4 A Always keep ones word
• 4 B Never cause harm to self or another
• 4 C Always Walk your Talk.
• 4 D Comport yourself with grace 

Rule 5 Forgiveness

• 5 A Forgive yourself for mistakes once corrected.
• 5 B Forgive others for trespasses against you, but learn from it so it doesn’t happen again.
• B 1 DO NOT allow them to rent space in your head. 

Rule 6 Boundaries 

• 6 A Set healthy, with love not a machete 
• 6 B Maintain and adjust as deemed prudent 

Rule 7 Love

• 7 A Love yourself unconditionally. 
• 7 B Treat others you love genteelly. 
• 7 C Love your world and treat with respect
• 7 D Love your family fully w\o expectations
• 7 E New love found, See Rule 2.

Add more as necessity demands. Add your own flair to reflect your own and unique dynamic. Have fun with this chart. Life is too short to drink cheap wine out of a box.  Love each day fully. 

After all, you are in one of the best dynamics to bring great happiness to your life. 

Enjoy it.

The post The Daily Struggle appeared first on Free the Kink.

Part of it is out of necessity. It seems as if every single day, I come across someone who dropped every bit of common sense in the name of submission. These are the people need to hear and read the warnings about wannabe Doms who think that throwing out an order and smacking an ass on occasion equals dominance.

Another part of it is that it is just easier to talk about. BDSM wannabes Doms do very common things…They lie, cheat, become violent, ignore consent….The list goes on.

They were jackasses before they discovered BDSM. Now they are jackasses with most likely a self proclaimed title and too many eager and willing victims.

Here is the thing…We do not talk a lot about is what makes a good Dominant or what does one look like. This is a harder picture to paint simply because all submissives want and need something a little different.

*cracks knuckles* However, I enjoy a challenge every now and then.

Besides, I do actually get weary of scaring people with warnings, red flags and the like…Regardless of how often it needs to be reiterated. So this time around, I would like to celebrate the good Dominants of the world.

While it is one of my philosophies that everyone is a work in progress…And although results might differ, I believe regardless of gender, sexuality, race, looks, height, weight, etc. a good Dominant will have some if not all of these characteristics.

Oh, and again for those in the back of the room, I despise the terms “real”, “true, “alpha” or any other useless precursor to the term “Dominant” unless I am using the terms in jest while describing the little incell and often insecure wannabes that are out there.

You know who you are.

Good Dominants, however, are indeed very real. Bad Dominants either have their own issues to work on or just need more education. The mark of a bad Dominant who can become a good Dominant is their willingness to listen, learn, and make changes. Oh, and really bad Dominants, the kind you warn strangers about? They are abusers, plain and simple. Believe that. I do not even consider them Dominants, no matter what they call themselves.

Neither should you.

Now…Where was I?

Okay, so what does a good Dominant look like?

*Note that I will be using the pronouns of He/Him for Dominants and she/her for submissives for convenience but one can make their own adjustments as necessary*

Good Dominants are patient. In my many conversations that I have had with submissives, I recall a lot of them advising that there was a reason many of them compare their Dominants to wild animals…Have you ever see an animal in the wild on the hunt?

They are the epitome of patience…Waiting for just the right moment to “attack”. A patient Dominant takes the time to get to know you as a person first. They might not even discuss kink until well into the relationship. They give you the time you need to become comfortable with them.

They WORK for your trust.

How does someone build trust? By being both honest and consistent. A good Dominant is both. They understand it is not just the things they say but also how one behaves…They do what they say they are going to do. They share the details of their life…Both good or bad…And because they are patient, they know it takes time.

As for my sins, when I began my solo journey into BDSM, it took almost a year or so of patience, communication, full disclosure and honesty before she became my submissive…And it was definitely worth it.

When it comes to good a good Dominant, you will find at sense of stability…Both mentally and emotionally.

It is an undeniable fact that everyone gets angry. It is a natural event. However, as an adult, you do not have to have a temper tantrum when you get angry…Or when you do not get your way.

Hmm…Some people might feel some type of way with that last statement.

Good.

Furthermore, anyone can have an mental illness (Such as yours truly) like depression or anxiety but not everyone uses unhealthy means to medicate or deal with the problem.

See where I am trying to go with this?

Anger management issues, addiction issues (that are not being addressed and being worked on), mental illness they will not acknowledge or attend to via proper channels…These are not signs of stability. But the good Dominant will either already be stable or actively work to become that way. They understand that they can not be in control of another human being if they are not in control of themselves first.

A good Dominant is not “selfish”…I used quotation marks because on some level all Dominants are a tad selfish. Think about it…They prefer having all the control and getting exactly what they want…As long as they are only doing it with a consensual partner.

One may even see it as a healthy kind of selfishness…If there is such a thing. At the same token, they also understand that it is not all about them. The needs of their submissive are equally as important and in some cases, more important than their own needs.

Come to think of it, I have not met a good Dominant who does not think of their submissive first in all things. Of course, all bets are off once the submissive is hog-tied on the bed, ass red from a well deserved spanking the Hitachi inserted inserted in the orifice of the Dominant’s choice of course. Now, they are simply and selfishly basking in your pain and pleasure as well as all that control.

*chuckle* Now I am feeling some kind of way.

Moving forward.

A good Dominant will focus on one person at a time. This has nothing to do with being poly which is something completely different. What I am referring to is talking about in that beginning stage where it is time to get to know a person. The Dominant who is interested in you as a human being and a submissive will focus only on you. You will not find them talking to multiple submissives all at once. First of all, they probably have a job and a life so they do not have time for it. And second, they know that with their attention divided like that, they are not giving you everything you deserve.

If you are looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship that has some kind of future, a good Dominant will not keep you on the side while they maintain their vanilla married life. You will become part of their life and their universe.

Now before you break out the pitchforks and torches. I know there are exceptions to that rule…Marriages that are over minus the divorce paperwork, marriages that are loveless and you are both still there for the kids….I get that. However, if a Dominant is willing to keep a submissive on the side while refusing to leave a vanilla spouse, it is not a good sign.

Good Dominants have integrity. This goes back to that whole keeping the submissive on the side thing. Good Dominants do what they say they are going to do. They keep their word to you and to other people….And take ownership if and when they fail to do so. They do what is right even when it is difficult. Such as telling hard truths that no one wants to hear but they manage to do it with respect and/or kindness.

Good Dominants take care of their submissives. Their reasons are as varied as they are. They may consider you a possession. Hell, if that is your kink and you are in agreement to that dynamic, then go forth and be blessed…Good Dominants make sure that they take care of their “toys.”

Maybe it is Daddy/baby girl love dynamic. Maybe (And hear me out on this) it is that they actually care about you as a human being and see your care as part of their responsibilities as a Dominant.

Crazy, right?

Whatever the reasons are, the submissive’s health, well-being, and happiness are important to them.

I will never get tired of saying the following: Good Dominants communicate. It might not always be right when you want to talk about something, but they will talk.

Just like the House Built upon a Rock parable, they understand that good communication is the foundation of a Dominant/submissive relationship. Without it, confusion, miscommunication and mistrust will occur. A good Dominant will tell you what they like, what they do not like, what they want, what they need and so on.

On the flipside, they expect you to talk to them. Once again, I have yet to meet a Dominant with the power of telepathy. They need to know intimate details about your health, about your past, and about who you are as a person. They know that without that information from you, something could go horribly wrong during a scene. But they also know that open communication builds trust and relationships.

The last and maybe the most important sign of a good Dominant (And this becomes more important as you take things from talking to playing) is their understanding of consent. They know for a fact that they cannot do a damned thing without it…And they will work their ass off to gain it. They also check in before, during, and after any type of kinky play. If you throw out a safe word, they know to stop immediately and make sure that you are okay. They will also respect your decision if you change your mind about a scene, an activity, or whatever else.

Be prepared for a whole bunch of communication about it, though.

Of course there are probably even more things that I could say or have forgotten to say about good Dominants but I have been rambling on for awhile now…

With that being said…If you know good Dominants, celebrate them. Thank them. Listen to them. Watch them. Use them as an example when you meet other Dominants. Secondly, if you have not found a good one yet, please, do not give up. They are out there. You will not always recognize them because instead of ordering you to call them “Sir” from the first conversation and attempting to put a collar on you, they will probably just ask how your day was or even do a random wellness check on you.

Word of advice: Do not mistake politeness for a lack of dominance. In fact, good Dominants are more polite and courteous than most other people you will ever meet.

The post What Makes a “Good” Dominant appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, Y/y’all…let’s go ahead and get the educational stuff out of the way, shall we? Odaxelagnia is a Paraphilia involving sexual arousal through biting or being bitten. Odaxelagnia is considered by many to be a mild form of Sadism. In her Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, Dr. Brenda Lovew included a LONG entry on sexual biting and reported that “biting is used by some to sexually excite their partner. It is done on the neck, ears, lips, nipples, back, buttocks, genitals, inner thighs, etc. The pressure used depends on their partner’s pain tolerance”. She also notes that sexual biting is one of the “easiest and most accepted methods” in sexual sadism and sexual masochism. She also claims that sexual biting produces an “increased sensation while bringing some individuals who are emotionally stressed out of their physical numbness, back in touch with their bodies.”

The Kama Sutra goes so far as to name all the different kinds of sexual bites and scratches, including those focused on the breasts and nipples. Eight kinds of bites are described in the chapter ‘On Biting, and the Means to be Employed with Regard to Women of Different Countries’ These are (1) the hidden bite, (2) the swollen bite, (3) the point, (4) the line of points, (5) the coral and the jewel, (6) the line of jewels, (7) the broken cloud, and (8) the biting of the boar. this girl researches biting because it has long been one of her very favorite things!

For many of U/us there aren’t many things as sexy as being nibbled or bitten by O/our partner(s)!!! Nibbling can feel great everywhere: nipples, breasts, arms,
ears, neck, feet, and thighs to name a few.

If Y/you want to bite a little harder, remember…unless T/they can handle the pain, stick to the meaty areas! The pain might be too intense if you chomp down hard on a bony area or if you miss and only bite the sensitive top layer of skin. Aim for the mucsular, meaty parts of the body. Some enjoy gentle bites and/or nibbles on the bony body parts such as fingers, shoulder blades and knees (OMMFG YESSSSS!!!).

For some the thighs are too sensitive and the genitals are an absolute NO because both of those areas are too sensitive and the pain just doesn’t transfer to pleasure for T/them; it just freaking hurts! For O/others, those areas are definitely on the menu!

One of the sexiest moves is when Y/you bite T/them on the back of the neck. This is what lions and other large mammals do to their mates in the wild to hold them still as they mate and there is nothing so sexy and empowering as feeling Y/your partner go weak and limp in Y/your arms, submitting with a sigh, growl or purr as Y/you sink your teeth perfectly into T/their upper shoulder/neck, completely making them Y/yours.

Biting is something that both sides of the slash enjoy. A good reward/incentive for a submissive is being able to sink their teeth into their Dom/mes! For Dom/mes it can serve as a reminder of who Their submissives belong to and who’s in control. It can also be used to put a submissive in the right headspace QUICKLY.

Biting can be as Primal and/or Sensual as Y/you choose it to be. A well timed, well placed bite can transform any moment or scene! Do some Research as well as talk about it with Y/your partner(s) and learn T/their bodies to avoid serious injuries. Once Y/you are confident and comfortable, dive in TEETH FIRST, Y/y’all!

~His Duchess

The post “Just. Like. That.” appeared first on Free the Kink.

And THAT was one of many almighty Mind Fuks, y’all. Agony, ecstasy or both. A Mind Fuk is when a Top/Dominant messes with a submissive’s mind by allowing the submissive to believe something is going to or will happen. Then the Top/Dominant “flips the script” when the activity or scene either does not occur at all or doesn’t play out the way the submissive expects it to. Hence the name “Mind Fuk. It begins with a thought; such as when a submissive messes up there will be consequences. The submissive’s imagination and guilty conscience are the engine that gets the train moving. NOTE: Most of us have experienced something similar before W/we knew it was an actual kink. Like anything with BDSM, Mind Fuks can play out in different ways with different people.

Mind Fuks are only successful when there’s a certain amount of trust and routine behavior established. Tops/Dominants who are consistent in their behavior and expectations teach their submissives they can expect a specific reaction/response when they say or do something. A submissive’s active imagination also makes Mind Fuks powerful and effective. this girl hasn’t met a submissive yet whose mind shuts down easily or stops spinning. An image of the Energizer Bunny comes to mind lol. Some of the most effective Mind Fuks require very little effort on the part of the Dominants; simply a willingness to allow a submissive to continue on their own train of thought. The appeal of O/our Thing for many submissives is the possibility of a quieted mind when their Top/Dominant takes over. The duration of a Mind Fuk varies depending on the specific situation, the P/people involved and how effective it is. Mind Fuks are quite common in Dynamics with sadists and masochists. As with EVERYTHING in O/our Thing, Mind Fuks are not for E/everyone and E/everyone must be able to manage the emotions involved with little or no issues regarding trust, self esteem, self confidence, etc. Mind Fuks in any capacity are Hard Limits for many because of the things listed above and any psychological trauma the submissive and/or Dominant has been through. Whether or not Mind Fuks are possible is definitely something that should be addressed during Vetting. Be cautious with Mind Fuks. They can be devastating if not done properly. The more Y/you trust and care for each O/other, the better the outcome. Apply ALL of The Pillars, y’all. Research and communicate always. The FLYGOD always does a “Debriefing” with check-ins following a Mind Fuk to ensure that all is well. He is attentive and observant; more so than with other scenes. And that gives this girl peace of mind after a Mind Fu*k. Until next time, y’all.

~His Duchess

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When it comes to demonstrating affection and admiration, who truly enjoys it more? The giver, or the receiver?

this girl is a pleaser by nature. There are many like her. Yes, the act is amazing from start to finish…the scents, the sight, the sounds, the taste, the sensations…ALL of it. There are a lot of people who would gladly rather give than receive. And the question is WHY? For this girl it is all about Worship. Worship is defined as: The feeling or expression of reverence and adoration. For clarification, and to put this into perspective, reverence is a feeling of deep respect, and adoration is a feeling of profound love and admiration.

Worship is the physical expression of deep respect, profound love and admiration. Dominants can worship submissives as well. As a matter of fact, some will even teach submissives how to Worship. So everyone wins, right?

One of the more simplistic yet sensual ways to ease into Worship is bathing. Bubbles, a washcloth and a person willing to be worshipped is all Y/you need.Those who regularly use bathing as a form of worship feel the preparation for the bath is as much a part of the worship as the bathing itself. Water temperature, texture of the washcloth and towels, everything to be used needs to convey worship and reverence for T/their body. Bath salts, oils are candles are delicious additions. Gently guide T/them into the tub, letting the ripple of warm water wash over T/their body as T/they slide in. Begin with a caressing wash, using Y/your hands or the washcloth, letting the water pour over T/their body. Let it wash over the shoulders and over the chest. Pamper, caress and care for T/them. Y/your strokes and caresses should cover every inch of T/them.

If getting in the shower or tub doesn’t do it, begin with a simple erotic massage. What makes this different from Y/your usual scrub and rub is the time Y/you take to appreciate and worship every inch of T/their body. Be generous with the duration of the massage and the amount of oil. Let Y/your hand linger EVERYWHERE Y/you touch T/them. And it doesn’t have to stop with Y/your hands; appreciate T/them with Y/your mouth as well!

Worship is about the One W/we worship. If W/we happen to be aroused during worship, that is a bonus but not a requirement. Worship is not about how this girl feels once she is done; it’s about how The FLYGOD feels once she is done.

So…why does this girl worship The FLYGOD?

First, it comes naturally. When someone is influential in O/our life and is doing things for U/us, it’s natural to want to compliment T/them. Worship is a way of complimenting The FLYGOD for the things He does for this girl and how He makes her feel. Worship costs this girl nothing, but means everything. By opening herself up to worshipping The FLYGOD, this girl is giving herself to Him, the One who cares for her and accepts her. The One who knows this girl most intimately. The One who gives her the outlet to be exactly who she is without judgment. The One she trusts completely.

Second reason is Love. It’s that simple. When Y/you love someone, Y/you want to show T/them in as many ways as possible. The physical expression of this is just as important as the words. While sitting at The FLYGOD’S’ feet, this girl may speak the words, she may show the feelings and He will understand and accept both graciously. But when this girl is graciously allowed to put her hands and mouth on The FLYGOD and pour into Him the love that she feels…that will speak to Him on His natural level of being. It will touch The FLYGOD’S subconscious and His heart.

The third reason for worship is Gratitude. It is easy to take someone for granted. By worshiping The FLYGOD, this girl is thanking Him for everything He does for her. To convey how honored she feels to be His.

Lastly, W/we worship because W/we need to worship. When W/we put worship into O/our daily routine, O/our dynamic could grow stronger and become more intimate. And this will make U/us want to worship more. Why? Because W/we will feel overjoyed realizing just how awesome the dynamic really is. If this girl doesn’t take the time to demonstrate how great The FLYGOD is to her, she misses an opportunity. The more she worships The FLYGOD for His love and Dominance, the more she will experience His love and Dominance. It could be the same or something different for Y/your dynamic(s). Worship is yet another way to learn about each O/other.

A final thought…the purpose of Worship is not an orgasm, though it can be a GLORIOUS bonus. Go all in. The intimacy and honesty achieved through Worship is unparalleled and absolutely amazing.

~His Duchess

The post Reasons appeared first on Free the Kink.

Girls wear pink, boys wear blue…Period. After all, that is it and nothing more.

Unfortunately, this is the archaic and erroneous mindset some people have when it comes down to what gender is and should be even though the concept of gender is something that exists not in objective reality, but as a result of human interaction which varies depending on the region, philosophy, country and time itself.

It exists because humans agree that it exists.

In other words, gender roles are in fact, made up.

Granted, sometimes sex can be a component of gender but not always. Even if it is conceived as primarily male or female, that is also incorrect. In fact, many believe that there are anywhere between six and fifty-six types of human genders;

Male
Female
Trans
Gender Outlaw
Non-binary
Genderfluid

And these are the first six that popped into my mind as I am writing this.

In a sense, when it comes to discussing gender or sex, nothing is truly binary.
Gender expression is a way of showing us who we are and can be a great asset when it come to exploring one’s own sexuality.

When it comes to BDSM scenes, one may find that there are a multitude of ways in how gender can be added to kink…Which can broaden your kinky pleasures.

For most of us, consensual control within the power exchange, is the heart of BDSM. If you put the physical aspects on the back burner, the giving and taking of power can often be expressed by adopting a persona…The stern and stoic Master, the devious and provocative Mistress, the meek and humble submissive, the eager to please sexual service slave…Using gender as a component to these personas can in a sense, amplify what is already present in the dynamic.

Let us say for example that you want to enhance your domination but you find it difficult to wrap your mind around how to make this happen. Creating a dominant personality can be a challenge.

For some, it may feel impossible.

So instead of creating something out of thin air, why not use your own gender expression cranked up to ten?

For example,

If you feel comfortable as male identified, collect styles and affectations that you consider ultra masculine. This could be anything from using an accent to the clothes you wear.

Think of it improv or better yet…Motivational acting. Get into the head of your new male self. What is their name? What is their voice like? What do they like to eat and drink? What do they wear? What kind of D-Type would they be? Is he a bit of Sean Connory’s Bond mixed with a dose of Lawrence Fishburne’s Morpheus, (The Matrix series) poured into a tall, refreshing glass of Gerald Butler’s King Leonidas (300)?

If being female is more to your liking, you can follow that path as well. Try picking up and trying on all kinds of styles and forms to discover what may or may not work for your personal kinks…Perhaps Anjelica Huston’s Mortica Addams (Addams Family) stirred in with a splash of Gal Gadot’s Diana of Themyscira (Wonder Woman) and garnished with Charlize Theron’s Lorraine Broughton (Atomic Blonde)?

As you can tell, a great way to do research different gender archetypes is to use media. Take some time to dissect and examine your favorite characters, adding parts of them to your own kink persona.

Of course, one side cannot exist without the other…Meaning just as you can amplify strengths, you can do the same with submissiveness. Again, the key is to try put various forms to see what is a good fit for you.

Disclaimer:

Use caution about this new persona you create…Not in the act of creation, but being able to emotionally pull yourself out of it.

Because of this, it is highly recommended to work with your partner when you go on this gender play voyage to set up some clear and safe guidelines for aftercare and recovery.

Age play can be a big part of this type of gender experimentation. By consciously going back to a more innocent state, the sensations, especially the emotional impact of everything going, can be magnified.

Once again, this is where safety is critical as this kind of play can also accidentally trigger subconscious childhood traumas. So always play smart and, most of all, play safe.

Another angle to submission and gender is to force it in contrary ways as a form of humiliation play. By making a male identified person wear female clothes or a female-identified playmate dress in male garments, the D-Type can use their discomfort and shame as an erotic tool.

It must be noted that this should only ever be done with clear consent and with unobstructed lines of communication. This type of plan can summon powerful emotional forces and should never be done without knowing as much as possible about the person you are engaged with.

To reiterate what was said at the beginning of this article, gender is not now nor has never been binary. So, when you want to try your hand at new forms, try not to be hemmed in by what anyone else says you should be.

Perhaps your D-Type side wears a mini-skirt, combat boots, sports pink hair, and a glitter enhanced goatee…Perhaps your s-type self wears a 50s style bra, a polyester polka-dot dress and a mohawk. The same thing is true about your personality…Why not try a bit of Mary Poppins with a dose of Hannibal Lecter?

If it works then it works…More power to you.

And if it does not work, try something else. The sky is literally the limit when it comes to gender play possibilities.

Many, many moons ago, during our more primitive days, when being aware of our surroundings literally meant life or death, we developed patterns to cope with our daily lives which carried on into the modern era…It is all leftover survival instincts.

Gender is the same way. For the longest time, we did not see it as unclear or vague… We limited it depending on our culture or overly biased upbringing. Yet, part of evolving is becoming more and more comfortable with ambiguity and in giving up the illusion that the universe must be either black or white.

At the core of gender expression lies respect and empathy…To see others as who they are, who they want to be, who they need to be, and let go of the toxicity that says your way is the only way.

So become yourself…Whoever you deem that is and treat others with the same level of respect, acceptance and love as you would like others to show you. Be it in the play space as well as everywhere else.

The post Using Gender in BDSM Play appeared first on Free the Kink.

HER.
“he thinks he’s slick; begging for forgiveness won’t spare him!” She thought to herself. She had done her research. She made sure that the toy had done his as well. The little hints and hiccups all led to this moment. As the toy dropped to his knees, She took the opportunity to survey the setup. Scissors, gauze, ice in bucket, knee hi stockings, leather gloves…the stage was meticulously set. It’s Go Time, Regina! After She commanded the toy to stand up and put his hands behind his head She saw him trying to inhale her scent. he was looking at her from her shoes to Her blouse. She took a step toward the toy. “Look at me. Today’s Lesson is…be careful what you wish for, toy.” And then….she took a deep breath and as she slowly exhaled she grabbed his manhood in her hand and pulled on it slowly. the toy winced in pain…then he gasped as She watched his toes curl. “Please teach this toy, Regina.” She breathed in, exhaled, then pulled again. The wince and gasp was longer this time, and a moan escaped his lips as well. As the toy stiffened then relaxed; She smiled. So far so good. Time to bind the toy’s balls with the knee highs.

Whewwwww…..Walk it off, Y/y’all! this girl is tackling a somewhat sensitive topic today. Stay with her…it has some information to expand Y/your knowledge and understanding of Kink. Breathe, G/gentlemen lol. The term CBT is the acronym for Cock and Ball Torture. The mere thought of CBT will give M/men either an instant erection or compel T/them to instinctively grab T/themselves, squirm and yell, “Fuck that!!!” while E/everyone else may be thinking, “Wow!” Well, if Y/you’re reading this and fall on either end of that spectrum or even somewhere in between, keep reading, F/fam lol. So, what’s the appeal of CBT, anyway? There are many reasons why people are drawn to it. It speaks to both Sadists and masochists and that’s partially due to the agony of the pain as well as the exhilaration from the agony. The fact that it is the most sensitive part of the body just makes playing around with it even more exciting. With such a wide range of tools available now, CBT can also be endured alone for the ultimate in sadomasochistic bliss.

Still here? Hang in there!

Confused/Curious about Cock and Ball Torture? A few things to remember…

1. CBT can free your inner masochist! The penis and surrounding area is full of sensitive nerve endings that are just begging to be played with. Time for some Scientific Stuff lol. Stimulating those nerve endings through CBT causes waves of endorphins (the body’s natural painkiller) to be released. The effect is similar to that of being under the influence and the result is an incredibly intense “natural high.” In some cases it can actually lead to an altered and euphoric state of consciousness.
2. Increased blood flow to the genitals causes them to become engorged. As a result, CBT is often processed as pleasure rather than pain. The body releases adrenaline and the genitals become further enlarged, greatly intensifying the experience. Normally so readily associated with pleasure, the cock and balls have now become a target for punishment and pain. This confuses the body and thus a new pleasure/pain association is discovered.
3. CBT can create another emotional connection with your partner. Not only is it extremely satisfying to please your playmate but the level of trust between you will become stronger.

Be Safe!!!

The biggest concern when it comes to CBT is circulation. Increased pressure means that there is a danger of cutting off circulation completely. It is extremely important to watch out for symptoms such as a loss in sensation, swelling or a loss of color. Common injuries as a result of CBT include abrasions, bruises and small cuts. In time these will heal, but it is a good idea to treat with an ice pack to reduce the swelling and apply some antiseptic cream to cuts to avoid infection. It’s quite normal to experience a dull and painful ache in the testicles after CBT, or as we like to call it “blue balls.” It might last for a prolonged period of time after your play has ended. If the pain persists or you notice any abnormalities including swelling or blood spots underneath the skin, please see a doctor as soon as possible. NOTE: There is another article by Matthias Black about Doctors and kink Y/y’all should check out if Y/you haven’t already.

Make sure you always play SAFE and stop if you’re unsure!

Some Do’s and Don’ts regarding CBT are…

DO Trim pubic hair for a clear view and to avoid snagging.

DO Alleviate pressure every 20-30 minutes to restore circulation fully.

DO Avoid genital bindings that cannot be easily untied/removed.

DO Keep ‘quick release’ tools like EMT scissors and cock ring cutters readily available.

DO Be gentle with piercings.

DO Stop immediately if you notice a loss of sensation, swelling, numbness or loss of colour

DO Discuss boundaries and a safe word beforehand.

DO Go slowly and gradually increase intensity while monitoring reactions.

DO Stop immediately if the pain starts to spread to other areas.

DO Avoid anything that will seriously wrench or twist the genitals.

DON’T Leave clamps on for long periods of time.

DON’T Leave CBT devices/weights on for prolonged periods or through the night.

DON’T Tie the balls to anything else because any sudden knee-jerk reaction could result in serious damage!

DON’T Bind the penis/scrotum too tightly – you don’t want to cut off circulation.

DON’T Insert anything into the urethra without adequate lubrication and sterilization.

DON’T Squeeze the penis too hard, it could damage the erectile tissue.

DON’T Use sharp, hard hits.

DON’T Let go of weights suddenly; lower them down gradually and gently.

Still here? It’s almost over so hang in there!

CBT Play often involves using weights, bondage, impact or the hands…a little flick anywhere in that area can cause a LOT of pain, agony and/or pleasure. As with anything else W/we do in O/our Thing, research, communication, preparation and safety are CRUCIAL!!! Cannot stress that enough!!! There are so many ways in which you can reach your CBT goals and most will be unique and specific to Y/you and Y/yours. So remember THIS…W/we must always DIG IN before W/we dive in, Y/y’all. And that means do more research than just watching CBT porn. Seriously.

Most importantly, take it easy. Process everything that happened individually and with each other. Enjoy some much needed healing time so that Y/you’re ready for a repeat performance in no time!

Thanks for hanging in there, Y/y’all! Hopefully it was worth it! And while it’s perfectly fine to not be a fan of CBT, it’s never okay to judge the ones who are.

Until next time, Y/y’all.

~His Duchess

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