However,

Do not think that to belong to kink groups or to visit kinky spaces you must qualify as “Kinky Enough”.

Whether you have twenty years of kink experience or just decided twenty minutes ago that you wanted to explore kink, you may have noticed something a bit concerning…

Kink often has an issue with elitism.

In the kink community, there is often a sense of hierarchy: What kinks are the “best” kinks…Who is the fairest, uh, kinkiest of them all and so forth.

We as a community, seem to praise those who are the most dedicated to a 24/7 lifestyle and those who can participate in the most extreme acts. Yet, kink is not and should not be, a competition.

Let me repeat that…

Kink is not and should not be, a competition.

This conversation is especially important for those just entering the kink community. See…Without foundational knowledge, they can be easy prey for people who will manipulate and pressure them for their own agenda.

So…Why Did Kink Become Hierarchical?

Hmm…That is a good question.

One may surmise that because most kinky interactions involve some sort of power exchange role-play, the power dynamics can easily navigate beyond a single scene or interaction into relationships and broader communities. This is not inherently a good or bad phenomenon, though it can be instituted and enacted in better or worse ways. Some hierarchies happen intentionally while some do not…Ideally, thought and practice are put into an intentional hierarchy to make sure it is desired and consented to by all parties prior to establishing it.

With that said…What Can the Kink Community Do to Change This?

In other words, because we are socialized to see specific identities, presentations, and titles as better or worse than one another, this bleeds over into kink expressions and culture. To change this, we must first examine why we think of certain acts of desires as ideal and others as “less than.”

You may have heard the phrase in the kink community: “Don’t yuck my yum.” i.e. do not put down something (usually a kink) that brings me pleasure, even if you do not do it, we will not do it (NMK) or if you tried it (and hated it).

Kink is a place where shame should be left at the door…This is particularly true for those entering kinky spaces for the first time. For those of you who are experiencing this, please allow me to share the same advice that my mentors offered me many, many moons ago…

Before engaging in any kinky interaction, it is highly important to remember that there is absolutely no obligation to participate in any regard before there is the desire to do so. It is also a good idea to have a plan for how to avoid the inevitable…That person who attends group spaces and acts coercively to push limits, which depends on the person’s internal and external resources in the moment. Going with a friend or a date is a good approach. If you are going alone, it is perfectly okay to completely ignore the person and walk away if that feels best in the moment. You have the right to say that you are not interested at the moment and that you will let the person know if you change your mind. If someone is acting in a pushy manner at a kink event, it is not necessary to follow any sort of protocol, because protocol is something that should be consented to before followed…

Group spaces typically contain a high percentage of extroverts and exhibitionists…It is a good idea to remember this and remember that everyone has different intra- and interpersonal boundaries. The best way to understand and maintain interpersonal boundaries is to understand and talk to a trusted friend or partner about intrapersonal boundaries before exploring with others.

Your Kink Is Personal

Identifying as kinky, or just being interested in learning more about kink is an entirely personal and individualized experience. Do not think that in order to belong to kink groups or to visit kinky spaces you have to qualify as “kinky enough.”

There is no reason whatsoever to feel that you need to focus on “Keeping Up with the Joneses” (Comparison to one’s neighbor, or in this case, a “established” kinkster as a benchmark for social class) as my ancestors would say.

Research, discuss, and experiment with what feels right in your body, mind, and spirit. At the same token, do not look down on kinks that you find weird or unappealing…As long as they are consensual.

Make a commitment to taking the hierarchy out of kink and making the community one of love and acceptance.

The post appeared first on Free the Kink.

For the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a Top
however, not every Top is a Dominant. For many people, they are completely different terms. There is so much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse with what happens in a scene as an overall relationship role.

2)So, you went to a dungeon, private play party or a demonstration and saw
someone do something really awesome and interesting. The person made it
look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can
do it as well, right?

Wrong!

The reason they made it look easy is because they have been doing it for a
while. They have had a bunch of practice and have studied it. They did not
just decide that one day they will grab a bunch of rope, tie up their mate
and suspend them inverted from some rigging and punch them in the crotch without looking into all of the things that go into it.

So when you see something cool that you want to try, ask the person
questions (Provided that their scene or demonstration has concluded and
that they are available to answer questions) and make sure you figure out
how to do that cool thing before you try it.

Just because you saw someone else do it, does not mean that you should
without proper research and instruction.

Which segues to…

3)Ask as many questions as you can from who you can. For every pompous
asshole out there who thinks they are too cool for the room to help out a
new person, there are several more who are more than willing to assist the
budding Dominant. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you do not want to do.

The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will
become.

3 and a half) Also, never limit yourself to just Dominants. There are
submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. In fact, a former submissive of mine had well over twenty years of experience to my two years at the time and I learned a great deal from her.

Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

4)One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such
a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out
what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

In my less than humble opinion, a Dominant who does not question themselves is not much of a dominant.

5)Ever hear the old wives tale about switches are just confused? Here is a
newsflash Einstein…Switches are no more confused than bisexuals are. So,
if you can accept the notion of a bisexual person, you can accept the
notion of a switch. You may not understand, you may not get it or you may
not be comfortable with the notion of a switch. Who cares? If you are not a
switch, then it does not mean anything. But bottom line, switches are a
part of our community and their role should be respected just as much as
you want yours respected.

Disclaimer: This also goes for slaves, brats, littles, sissies etc. After
all, if you want to be comfortable in your dominant skin, why can’t they be
comfortable in theirs?

6)*Using my Morgan Freeman voice* Since the dawn of civilization, a pretty
or handsome face has been the downfall of many people.

Do not be one of them. Yes, it is easy to find someone so physically
attractive that that is all you see. But remember, people are more than
their physical appearance. Just because you like big breast or a huge penis
does not mean that should be the primary motivating factor. If you want a
relationship, then go for that, and hope that the person you are in a
relationship actually does have the big breast, butt or penis of your
dreams.

*chuckle* In the immortal words of those famous bards, Bell, Biv, DeVoe:
Never trust a big butt and a smile.

7)Not everyone has to call you Master, Sir, Mistress, Ma’am king, Queen (Or
any of the multitudes of honorifics out there) and prostrate themselves at
your magnificence after kissing your ring or boots. Just because you see
yourself as a Dominant, does not mean everyone else will.

Treat those who are in your care in a manner that shows basic respect and
consideration. Do not allow yourself to get Domlier-than-thou and think you
can run rough shod over someone else. Others have a choice and they have
the right to exercise that choice. You cannot make a decision for someone
else that you are not in a relationship with.

8)For the record, not all women are submissive just like not all men are
Dominant. If you believe that, I will be more than happy to introduce you
to a few people who will bear personal testimony against that claim.

One should never default to the notion that scene orientation is defined by
gender because that is not rather case. Once you accept that, your time in
this realm of BDSM, especially if you interact with the public scene, will
be a lot easier if you incorporate that fact into your psyche.

9)You have to develop your own style. Do not do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it is not for you, then it is not for you.
People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and
hip. Just like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM
scene/lifestyle…You have the choice as to whether or not you follow it,
or follow your own path.

To thine own self, be true.

10)There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or
10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about
different things. You never know what turns you off today may totally be
your forte’ tomorrow. Keep an open eye and an open mind.

It will work to your benefit in the long run.

11)Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in the BDSM
lifestyle. Be mindful that when you are made aware of them, do not dismiss
them simply because you think it is strange.

Remember, there are a lot of people out there in the vanilla world who
think what we do as a whole is strange.

Truth be told, there are only two options. Either you can honor, accept and
respect their dynamic and continue to interact or honor, accept and respect
their dynamic and move on.

Here’s the thing; Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your
opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining, whining or trying to
kink shame will do nothing.

One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find
strange.Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then
behave accordingly.

12)Although the Internet can be a good source of information, the Internet
will NOT teach you how to be a good dominant. Hell, It will barely teach
you how to be a good Top. You cannot teach yourself everything.

Why you may ask?

Because how can you teach yourself something you have no experience with?

Again, seek out new life and new civilizations…um, I mean seek out those
out there who are experienced and if you are so inclined, seek a mentor. If
you do not want to find a mentor, establish your own “Inner Circle” (i.e.,
group of kink friendly…friends). Use them as a sounding board and an
advice corner. Get information from as many different people as you can,
then make it your own. Do not solely rely on sites like FetLife, Facebook
or PornHub (True story) for your information. There is a lot more to this
stuff than will ever appear on those and other sites.

Granted, the Internet is filled with tons of really good information.
However, it is filled with a bunch of dumb-ass shit too.

13)Be. Fucking. Honest. Regarding. Your. Experience.

If you have been involved in BDSM for 10 years, but 9 of those years have
been online, please be honest about that. Do not lie about parties, clubs,
dungeons, or events. It is best to be honest about your experience or lack
thereof. You will gain more respect from others that way and it will also
accelerate your ability to learn. It will also potentially draw the more
experienced to you if you do not pretend that you know everything already.

One thing about the lifestyle is usually, a honest and experienced person,
Master, Dom, slave, sub, etc. can smell bullshit a mile away.

14)You are going to fuck up.

Period.

New Dominants are going to make mistakes. To be fair, intermediate
Dominants will make mistakes. Experienced Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a
mistake.

Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from them. Use
them as opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure
out what went wrong then do a reassessment, plan and take precautions in
order to not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are
a danger to yourself and whomever agrees to play with or submit to you.
Nobody is perfect. But what we can do is try to learn from the mistake and
improve our skills.

What is important is that you learn from the mistakes.

The post Words of Advice For the Brand New Dominant…In No Particular Order. appeared first on Free the Kink.