/founˈdāSH(ə)n/

(noun)

an underlying basis or principle.

Heyyy, y’all! E/every one of U/us can agree that O/our Thing has evolved through the years. What W/we can NOT seem to agree on is if all of the changes are good ones or not lol. So let’s take a look at a few things that will NEVER change, shall W/we? this girl was taught some “Essential Guidelines of BDSM” during her training and they remain VERY important in her journey.

1. Be Self Aware. This means knowledge of self. Y/you should know what Y/your basic needs, intentions, limitations, etc are. What side (maybe even both) of the slash You are on. Be prepared to ask as well as answer questions. ALWAYS be willing to learn. Education is a major component of O/our Thing because safety is critical. So is doing constant Self Assessment and always being willing and able to process everything W/we experience.
2. Be HONEST. This one would seem self explanatory! But some of U/us still operate under the assumption that deceit and manipulation are perfectly fine. Nah, boo boo…lying Y/your way in and/or out of Dynamics affects ALL of U/us. If word gets out that someone is not to be trusted, some will retreat. Others might join the “BS Train” and decide that dishonesty works for them. O/others might explore why T/they or the other folks chose dishonesty and deceit; which leads back to increasing knowledge of self. Bottom line…be honest. Demand honesty from E/everyone in Y/your orbit. That strengthens the entire community.
3. Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission; whether it be a toy, tool or person. E V E R . It will end badly.
4. Be Respectful. Another self explanatory one, right? Yeah, not so much. So often there are folks who move throughout their Communities like bulls in a China shop; without regard for anything but themselves. T/they approach folks with no respect for T/their dynamics. They are rude, condescending, judgey, shamey, stubborn, negative, abrasive, arrogant, ignorant to name a few. And T/their lack of respect for anyone or anything can become a roadblock to the growth of O/others. O/our Thing can be difficult enough to navigate already; add in a disrespectful person and Chaos is the result. Of course, if W/we take the time to educate and redirect T/them, E/everyone will learn and grow from it. That is the ideal but not often the reality.
5. Consent is Critical. This is because BDSM play often pushes more personal boundaries and involves play that may be uncomfortable, painful or even dangerous. More detail about this will be in a subsequent post. Stay tuned.
6. Without trust, nothing meaningful happens. Building trust takes time. The amount of time varies due to, well, life. W/we all have different perspectives, personalities, experiences and expectations. How do W/we build trust? Be honest. Honor O/our commitments. Admit when W/we are wrong. Communicate effectively. Be vulnerable. Be helpful. Show people that W/we care. Be present.
7. Talk, Dangit! Being mysterious and elusive is sometimes considered intriguing. But not when W/we are trying to get to know people and/or learn. Communication is essential. W/we need to be willing and able to tell O/others about O/ourselves. W/we need to be able to convey O/our thoughts and emotions. Give and receive feedback. Teach, learn and grow. How many of U/us know what type of communication style W/we use in certain situations? A few things to ponder as we navigate through O/our journeys.
8. NEVER STOP LEARNING. EVER. There is so much going on in O/our Thing that there is not one person who knows EVERYTHING. So W/we must keep researching and educating O/ourselves always.
9. Don’t be an A-hole. Be kind, considerate, approachable and authentic. Don’t demean, shame, humilate and/or judge A/anyone unless it’s their Kink.
10. Take Y/your journey seriously. No matter how Y/you do whatever Y/you do, be prepared, safe, knowledgeable and realistic. Be an example to O/others.

Wayyyy back then, this girl was thinking, “It doesn’t matter what others think!” And to an extent that is true. However sometimes W/we cannot control who is watching U/us. Especially if W/we are active in O/our Communities. this girl was and is still reminded of another essential thing….Mindfulness. Mindful of the fact that while all of these essentials are applicable in every aspect of O/our lives, they are even more important in O/our Thing. this girl is grateful for the Pillars of BDSM (Respect, Honesty, Trust and Communication) being clearly broken down for her before she was even allowed to “get her hands dirty” so to speak. Because once she did…it “hit different.”

Bottom line…while O/our Thing evolves and changes, it helps if W/we all have a foundation of essential guidelines that W/we take along with U/us on O/our journeys to keep us grounded and focused, right?

~ His Duchess

The post “A Firm Foundation” appeared first on Free the Kink.

For the sake of comparison, my ex and I used to fight almost constantly; slamming doors, yelling, cursing, the whole bit. I guess that Dahlia and I are blessed to be able to talk about things without the need to yell or bottle them up until they burst.

Not everyone is so lucky though, so how should you handle arguments in a D/s relationship?

First of all, do not run away from the conflict. If you dump someone just because of conflict you will constantly be searching for a perfect partner and none will ever exist. Resolving conflicts in relationships is a very valuable life skill to develop. You need to learn to work on the problem and strive to come up with solutions that meet the needs of the relationship together.  I know you have heard this before, but the only person you can change is you. The only attitude you can change is yours. You cannot make someone else change for you…No matter how badly you want them to. (Yes, even in a D/s relationship where a submissive is learning new behaviors, they are doing it because they want to do it, just for different reasons.)

Tempers flare in an argument. Take a moment to go to your proverbial corners to cool off before facing the problem. You will never resolve the issue if you cannot think and talk about it calmly and really listen to the other person.

Take a moment and brainstorm 10 ways you can cool off and regain your composure. Consider the following: make a cup of coffee or tea, take a short walk, step outside and look up into the sky, take 5 long, deep breaths, read a favorite poem or quote, close your eyes for a moment and count to 10, write in a journal and then come back together to work out the problem.

You should always approach problems as equal partners, even if D/s is the issue. Maintaining roles will just get in the way of progress in conflict resolution. Even those of us in 24/7 type relationships can recognize when being Dominant and submissive will not make things easy.

Drop your idea that one of you is the Dominant and the other is the submissive and look to each other as partners in a relationship.

Another tactic that you may have heard is to use the “I” statement as opposed to the “You” statements. “I messages” are a tool for expressing how you feel without attacking or blaming. By starting with “I” you take responsibility for the way you perceive the problem.

This is in sharp contrast to “you messages” which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, “You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message” comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

Coming up with solutions together will help you realize that there are probably several ways to solve your problem. When you can decide on a compromise together it will strengthen your resolve to make it work.

Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

1. Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
2. No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
3. Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner

• From Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

Forgive or Thank Them…A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure. Just saying thank you at the end of a conflict, or acknowledging the person for working things out sends a message of conciliation and gratitude. We preserve our relationships this way, strengthening our connections and working through problems that arise.

The post Handling Arguments appeared first on Free the Kink.