HER.
“he thinks he’s slick; begging for forgiveness won’t spare him!” She thought to herself. She had done her research. She made sure that the toy had done his as well. The little hints and hiccups all led to this moment. As the toy dropped to his knees, She took the opportunity to survey the setup. Scissors, gauze, ice in bucket, knee hi stockings, leather gloves…the stage was meticulously set. It’s Go Time, Regina! After She commanded the toy to stand up and put his hands behind his head She saw him trying to inhale her scent. he was looking at her from her shoes to Her blouse. She took a step toward the toy. “Look at me. Today’s Lesson is…be careful what you wish for, toy.” And then….she took a deep breath and as she slowly exhaled she grabbed his manhood in her hand and pulled on it slowly. the toy winced in pain…then he gasped as She watched his toes curl. “Please teach this toy, Regina.” She breathed in, exhaled, then pulled again. The wince and gasp was longer this time, and a moan escaped his lips as well. As the toy stiffened then relaxed; She smiled. So far so good. Time to bind the toy’s balls with the knee highs.

Whewwwww…..Walk it off, Y/y’all! this girl is tackling a somewhat sensitive topic today. Stay with her…it has some information to expand Y/your knowledge and understanding of Kink. Breathe, G/gentlemen lol. The term CBT is the acronym for Cock and Ball Torture. The mere thought of CBT will give M/men either an instant erection or compel T/them to instinctively grab T/themselves, squirm and yell, “Fuck that!!!” while E/everyone else may be thinking, “Wow!” Well, if Y/you’re reading this and fall on either end of that spectrum or even somewhere in between, keep reading, F/fam lol. So, what’s the appeal of CBT, anyway? There are many reasons why people are drawn to it. It speaks to both Sadists and masochists and that’s partially due to the agony of the pain as well as the exhilaration from the agony. The fact that it is the most sensitive part of the body just makes playing around with it even more exciting. With such a wide range of tools available now, CBT can also be endured alone for the ultimate in sadomasochistic bliss.

Still here? Hang in there!

Confused/Curious about Cock and Ball Torture? A few things to remember…

1. CBT can free your inner masochist! The penis and surrounding area is full of sensitive nerve endings that are just begging to be played with. Time for some Scientific Stuff lol. Stimulating those nerve endings through CBT causes waves of endorphins (the body’s natural painkiller) to be released. The effect is similar to that of being under the influence and the result is an incredibly intense “natural high.” In some cases it can actually lead to an altered and euphoric state of consciousness.
2. Increased blood flow to the genitals causes them to become engorged. As a result, CBT is often processed as pleasure rather than pain. The body releases adrenaline and the genitals become further enlarged, greatly intensifying the experience. Normally so readily associated with pleasure, the cock and balls have now become a target for punishment and pain. This confuses the body and thus a new pleasure/pain association is discovered.
3. CBT can create another emotional connection with your partner. Not only is it extremely satisfying to please your playmate but the level of trust between you will become stronger.

Be Safe!!!

The biggest concern when it comes to CBT is circulation. Increased pressure means that there is a danger of cutting off circulation completely. It is extremely important to watch out for symptoms such as a loss in sensation, swelling or a loss of color. Common injuries as a result of CBT include abrasions, bruises and small cuts. In time these will heal, but it is a good idea to treat with an ice pack to reduce the swelling and apply some antiseptic cream to cuts to avoid infection. It’s quite normal to experience a dull and painful ache in the testicles after CBT, or as we like to call it “blue balls.” It might last for a prolonged period of time after your play has ended. If the pain persists or you notice any abnormalities including swelling or blood spots underneath the skin, please see a doctor as soon as possible. NOTE: There is another article by Matthias Black about Doctors and kink Y/y’all should check out if Y/you haven’t already.

Make sure you always play SAFE and stop if you’re unsure!

Some Do’s and Don’ts regarding CBT are…

DO Trim pubic hair for a clear view and to avoid snagging.

DO Alleviate pressure every 20-30 minutes to restore circulation fully.

DO Avoid genital bindings that cannot be easily untied/removed.

DO Keep ‘quick release’ tools like EMT scissors and cock ring cutters readily available.

DO Be gentle with piercings.

DO Stop immediately if you notice a loss of sensation, swelling, numbness or loss of colour

DO Discuss boundaries and a safe word beforehand.

DO Go slowly and gradually increase intensity while monitoring reactions.

DO Stop immediately if the pain starts to spread to other areas.

DO Avoid anything that will seriously wrench or twist the genitals.

DON’T Leave clamps on for long periods of time.

DON’T Leave CBT devices/weights on for prolonged periods or through the night.

DON’T Tie the balls to anything else because any sudden knee-jerk reaction could result in serious damage!

DON’T Bind the penis/scrotum too tightly – you don’t want to cut off circulation.

DON’T Insert anything into the urethra without adequate lubrication and sterilization.

DON’T Squeeze the penis too hard, it could damage the erectile tissue.

DON’T Use sharp, hard hits.

DON’T Let go of weights suddenly; lower them down gradually and gently.

Still here? It’s almost over so hang in there!

CBT Play often involves using weights, bondage, impact or the hands…a little flick anywhere in that area can cause a LOT of pain, agony and/or pleasure. As with anything else W/we do in O/our Thing, research, communication, preparation and safety are CRUCIAL!!! Cannot stress that enough!!! There are so many ways in which you can reach your CBT goals and most will be unique and specific to Y/you and Y/yours. So remember THIS…W/we must always DIG IN before W/we dive in, Y/y’all. And that means do more research than just watching CBT porn. Seriously.

Most importantly, take it easy. Process everything that happened individually and with each other. Enjoy some much needed healing time so that Y/you’re ready for a repeat performance in no time!

Thanks for hanging in there, Y/y’all! Hopefully it was worth it! And while it’s perfectly fine to not be a fan of CBT, it’s never okay to judge the ones who are.

Until next time, Y/y’all.

~His Duchess

The post “(C)hallenging (B)ut (T)hrilling” appeared first on Free the Kink.

Okay, BREATHE, y’all! Lol. CFNM, the acronym for Clothed Female Naked/Nude Male is a kink for a clothed woman while a nearby male is entirely naked/nude and is often used as part of a Female led scene and/or dynamic. It is important to note that people of any gender identities or gender presentations can participate in CFNM. All that this kink requires is two people in two various states of dress. However, for the sake of simplicity and the name of the kink, this girl will go with the words that fit the acronym. Even the most unkinky folks can agree that there’s something inherently vulnerable about being naked in front of another person. To be naked in more ways than one. In CFNM, being naked and vulnerable, while another person is fully clothed and in charge, only reinforces the concept someone else having power over them.

The sheer simplicity of this kink feeds into people’s love for it as well. The kink is so clear that many people who are into it can pinpoint the exact moment they fell in love with it. Maybe it was their first girlfriend, daydreams about a Teacher/Librarian/other ladies they viewed as authoritative but were too nervous to ever undress them. As a result all of the sex was with him being the only one who ends up naked. Maybe it was someone she imagined being naked, vulnerable and at her mercy.

In addition to being vulnerable, a lot of male submissives/bottoms have said that the kink feels extremely sensual and intimate for them. In most cases where a woman is asking/telling them to get naked, they become nearly breathless in anticipation of the things that may take place in their immediate future. Just the stripping down in itself can become an amazingly kinky experience. Well, this girl assumes Y/y’all have figured out the basics by now. The acting female is fully clothed in whatever clothing works in the moment. The male will end up naked/nude. This is pretty much the basic set-up for any CFNM scene Y/you choose to explore.

Now, however the participants decide to shake things up from here is completely up to T/them. Using only clothing, the experience can be changed even further. Will the woman be wearing a powerful business outfit which will add to the Top/bottom/Dominant/submissive roles? Will the she be wearing lingerie – as a further sexual tease in a situation where the bottom is unable to hide his excitement and/or desire for her? Will the female dominant be wearing her comfortable, everyday clothes to further emphasize the point that she doesn’t think he’s worth dressing up for in a humiliation scene? Hmmm….the possibilities, Y/y’all!!!

You can mess around with the bottom’s “outfit” too. Sure, naked is the basic expectation of CFNM, but even CFNM allows more than just basic nudity! Are you into chastity? A chastity cage can further enforce who is in charge. What about outside of the clothing? Don’t forget that CFNM is usually used as an exciting “part” of a scene – not necessarily the scene itself. This kink can be mixed with any other kink(s) you want to do at the moment, with any aspect of kink Y/you had in mind.
Just plan the clothing accordingly, and Y/you could even turn Y/your regular Wednesday movie night into a light mixture of foreplay with CFNM involved.

Pssst…Please keep in mind that CFNM is not exclusive to those in defined roles on specific sides of the slash, Y/y’all.

Okey dokey…that’s it for now. Let your imagination run amok and keep it safe and sensational, Y’all! Until next time…

~ His Duchess

The post A Rush Of Excitement appeared first on Free the Kink.

With that definition, any practicing kinkster can clearly see a ton of problems.

While in the past, this way of doing things may have been common, as our understanding of consent and power dynamics have evolved so has the D/s contract. However, a BDSM D/s contract can still have some noticeable downsides.

The biggest downside is that a BDSM D/s contract can be pretty overwhelming. Just like it has been portrayed in some of the largest mainstream kink movies, being presented with a multi-page document outlining a relationship can be either intimidating or terrifying for a lot of people. Even for seasoned kinksters, there is a lot of information to digest within a kink contract, especially if the contract was a never before seen document that a D-Type handed down to the potential s-type.. It gets even more overwhelming if the submissive was not even ready for a such a huge commitment at that point.

Next…

We also have to include the fact that a “real” kink contract can be hard to create. In most fantasies, this contract is something that is “given” to a submissive from a Dominant…Outlining everything that the Dominant expects the submissive to perform and do for them. While this can be extremely hot in fantasy life, in real-life, it is somewhat difficult to successfully pull off.

Sure, it would be hot if your submissive only wore thong panties whenever they are in the house, but what if they are not feeling well one day? What if they are uncomfortable with their body and parading around in only a thong is extremely uncomfortable?

Without a clear discussion around this “rule,” the submissive reads the contract and feels uncomfortable and unsure. And that is only one rule out of the entirety of the contract. Every one of the rules within the context is just a reflection of the Dominant’s desires and fantasies. It has very little basis in a submissive’s input or willingness to do those activities.

Let us also not forget about the practicality of such an agreement. As a Dominant, I can tell you that I could not magically remember every rule that I had written out on a multi-page document that went “instantly” into play one day. Sure, I could remember tons of rules over time, but the point of a kink contract is that things are, after signing, “different.” This requires the D-Type to remember all of the rules within the contract, and ensure that they give the proper punishments when those rules are not followed. If infractions are not noticed, there is not much reality to your “contract.”

Of course, a kink contract is not a legally binding piece of paper, either. As part of a role play scenario, it works fine. However, the reality (again) is that it is really not a legal contract. Parties to the contract have the right to no longer adhere to it. Believe it or not, this is a good thing. It can help protect people who signed one without negotiating and it has harmful rules or conditions that could hurt them physically or mentally in a way to which they did not and do not consent.

However…

BDSM D/s contracts would not have achieved the popularity they currently have if everything about them was totally awful, though. Your new BDSM D/s contract can be great for some things, too. The biggest selling point of a kinky relationship contract is the fantasy aspect. A lot of submissive people fantasize about being “property.” A lot of Dominant people fantasize about being “owners.” Kinky relationship contracts fit perfectly into that. One person can “own” another person with a clearly written D/s contract. In fact, the signing away of “rights” can be the centerpiece of a lot of power exchange fantasies

For that, kinky contracts work fantastically.

Not only that, but when done right, a kink contract can be a fantastic negotiation tool. Not only does it force open relationship communication, but it allows for an “excuse” to talk about needs and wants within the kink relationship. It allows for daydreams, inspiration, and a simple way to bring up new things that you’d like to see added to a relationship, without needing to plan out a special “talk.”

A D/s contract can also be a great way to outline expectations for everyone involved. Instead of relying on assumptions (which can get very complicated in power exchange dynamics), everyone is clear on where they stand and what the other person expects from them in return. This allows for the best chance of “meeting” another person’s needs…After all, how are you supposed to provide the things someone else wants if you don’t know what those things are? A D/s contract puts all of that information out in the open.

With all of the benefits your kink contract can provide, is there a better way to reduce the negatives and enjoy just the positives? Well, I am glad you asked.

There is.

Real-life kinkster couples have been using BDSM contracts successfully for years now. You just have to approach your new binding agreement with more intention and a lot more cooperation.

First, if you are only using your D/s contract as a role play tool, just do that. If all parties understand that the contract is only for a limited amount of time (Such as 24 hours or until the scene is over), you can go wild…As long as it is within safe practices and your partner’s limits, handing over a contract for a submissive to sign can be a hot center point of your scene. As long as the time frame is set out in advance, having a “temporary” D/s contract can be a fantastic way to enjoy all of the benefits of a sexy relationship contract without a lot of the long-term negative effects. Just make sure that the D-Type remembers, understands, and plans to punish for any infractions of the rules.

What if you want a long-term relationship contract to span your entire power exchange relationship? Now that is where things get a little more involved, and some good team work and patience is required. There are many examples and templates available online which can be a good place to start, but you must tailor it for you.

Before you ever begin to work on a D/s contract, all parties need to have a talk about their readiness level. Working on a contract like this can be a very serious sign of commitment. Commitment is not something every person is ready for at the same time.

To avoid surprising either partner, a talk about the actual readiness to share a contract can be a great preface to doing the contract itself. Remember, a D/s contract does have to be permanent. You both can agree on a temporary, “Play partner” contract as well. For those who are not interested or ready in a strong future commitment, this play partner variation can be a great option.

Once you both agree that you’re ready to work on a D/s contract together, you need to understand that it is basically an empty document. Absolutely nothing is a “must.” Sit down and brainstorm your basic “wants” for the relationship. In particular, pay attention to the things that are already present within your relationship. Does he already bow to her every time she comes home from work? Sounds like a great thing to make “official” in a contract.
In general, I would also recommend not adding more than one or two “new” things to the contract’s rules. While the fun of a contract can include basically writing out your “dream Master/slave relationship,” that is not practical for real life. It quickly adds up to a bunch of rules that neither of you have the time or energy to keep into practice on a daily basis which results in effectively setting yourselves up for failure.

Before you put the contract into use, it is a good idea to seek input from outside sources. Friends in the community, kink aware therapists or sex educators are good resources and can point out any areas of concern in the contract.

Focus on making this D/s contract a working document. Once you have made that first draft and you both have agreed to it, it is going to be a document that you revisit on a regular basis. You might choose to make it a set ritual (once a month, once a year with your anniversary celebration), but the point is…

You revisit the document.

Figure out what things have been good additions to your contract, and what things fell between the cracks. Your rituals and protocols should have meaning to you whether that’s arousal, reverence, or reinforcing the relationship. If you are doing empty things just because the contract says so, then it is time to cut those things.

Focus on making your D/s contract a “living and breathing” reflection of your D/s relationship. Not only can you use it for regular reinforcement of the power exchange dynamic between you and your partner, but you can use it for regular negotiation and inspiration for new things within your dynamic. It allows for open discussions as well as a sexy way to regularly infuse your relationship with new kinky things you would like to do. It is a contract between two people and not a document given to the submissive person to sign. That is how you make it a successful part of your relationship for the long term.

Of course, your relationship and your dynamic is entirely up to you. While this is the method I recommend, you can use whatever works within your dynamic. Every dynamic and relationship is unique. Use these tips to help mold your ideal D/s contract into something that is perfect for your needs and the needs of your partner(s).

When done correctly, a BDSM contract is entirely worth it and can change your kink relationship for the better.

The post BDSM D/s Contracts…Are They Worth It? appeared first on Free the Kink.

*”If you’re going to film yourself, at least get ur nails done sis!”

*”Dude needs a gym membership!”

*”Looks like they’re in somebody’s living room!”

*”That chick needs more clothes on!”

*”I’d never have posted this, bruh”

*”50 shades of section 8”

Y/y’all…with all due respect…O/our Thing is the subject of curiosity, scorn, judgment, envy and disrespect by many who either don’t understand or have preconceptions about what BDSM “should look like.” Well, guess what…IT. ISN’T. PERFECT. EVER.

Every time W/we turn around folks ask for/demand/beg for/offer to buy/expect videos and pictures of scenes. To some, these are very intense, intimate, private moments where people are vulnerable, exposed and engaged, whether they enjoy being watched or not. They are not always staged. Even demonstrations are all of the things mentioned above. People are inviting others into their experiences during very special and intimate moments in their lives. So NO, boo boo…E/everyone may not have time and or money to get a full set, hot stone pedicure, order 25 bomb outfits online, get a fresh cut and brand new hairdo each time W/we do what W/we do. Some may not have beautifully decorated space or a dungeon available to U/us. Some may not have a film crew backing U/us up. So adjustments are required. Some of U/us make O/our own tools and furniture. Dynamics are often self-contained while others exist as part of a Communal and/or Familial system. And in both instances, W/we all have O/our own structure in place. So…W/we are not required to explain to random people online or even in person why W/we don’t look Vogue cover or Hollywood production ready at all times. Life is hectic enough without placing more on O/our plates for the sake of popularity and/or notoriety. Bottom line…if Y/you are not personally invested/involved in someone’s dynamic(s), your opinions about it are irrelevant AF. And that begs the question…if Y/your opinions don’t matter, why even bother to put them out there in the first place, fam?

this girl has news for Y/y’all…there is no unanimously recognized Rules Book that governs BDSM. However, there ARE several guides, books, videos, presentations, etc that are all created through someone’s perspective and experience. All of these are Gospel to some and balderdash to others depending on many factors that are unique to each of U/us. This is why there is often so much heated debate about various aspects of O/our Thing. In the end, most of U/us cling to what is relatable to U/us and discard the rest. We flock to those W/we feel connected to and keep moving. Buuuut as W/we evolve along the journey that often changes. But O/our Core Values don’t.

Speaking of Core Values…what are Y/yours? It is important that W/we know what they are because they are the driving force behind everything that makes U/us who W/we are. The answer to the “Why do things affect me that way?” question. Okay, back to BDSM.

“There is no spoon.” Often W/we find O/ourselves thinking that someone else’s role/dynamic isn’t real or correct because of what W/we believe to be true. W/we lose sight of the fact that O/our opinions can’t change BDSM for E/everyone else because W/we don’t have control over E/everyone else. W/we can only change O/ourselves and O/our perceptions of BDSM. So, follow tradition, be innovative, progressive, fearless; after all, O/our journey is personal and unique. So…as long as W/we all do whatever W/we do SAFELY, anything W/we can think of is possible.

Said ALL of that to say this…stop looking out the window and look in the mirror because THAT is where Y/your happiness is found, Y/y’all.

~ His Duchess

The post A Reminder appeared first on Free the Kink.

So, with that being said and the millions of other examples that could be shared, is there really anyone who lives a real 24/7 dynamic LS? My answer is a loudly shouted YES…

See living 24/7 is in the striving to live by a set of mutually agreed upon and beneficial protocols. It’s the journey that makes the dynamic special. Always trying to be better for each other and to fulfill the bonds of your agreements to each other. Nowhere in life is perfection expected or even thought of as possible. So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in our dynamics? Why do we not give ourselves and our partners the understanding that no one and nothing is perfect? Does that come from a place of trying to prove ourselves to the community? Does it come from a place and desire to be the perfect Dom or sub? I don’t know the why’s, but I do know that putting that kind of pressure on each other will only end in massive disappointment and most likely a doomed dynamic.

So yes, 24/7 exists and all that means is that we live 24 hours a day, 7 days a week trying to be a better version of ourselves for both us and our partner. It means we do our best to live within the confines of our consensually and mutually agreed upon covenants and that we are focused on self and team growth every day.

Enjoy this journey folks and remember that it is not always so easy and/or cut and dry.

The post So, you’re really 24/7? Really? appeared first on Free the Kink.

*Disclaimer

Please remember that there is no guarantee that there will be a party after any event, or that you will be invited if there is. Some people are very generous in opening their homes to others, but never assume that you have an invitation unless you have specifically been invited. If someone says openly, “I’m having people over to my house, all of you are invited,” that constitutes an invitation. If you overhear someone saying, “Hey, Matthias is having people over later,” that does not. Furthermore, if you do overhear that comment, it is highly inappropriate to either ask the person on whom you have eavesdropped Matthias himself about it.

If you are meant to be invited, someone will let you know.

If you DO have an invitation, remember the rules of politeness that your parental unit, guardian or whomever hopefully taught you in grade school about birthday parties…

First and foremost, it ain’t your party. Meaning, that you may not invite others without the express prior permission of the host. If you were invited, it likely includes your constant companion, but it does not necessarily include the nice person who sat with you. If it seems to be a large gathering, you may ask the host if they can accompany you, but do so before you mention it to the potential plus one.

If the answer is no, accept it pleasantly and without comment. Unless you know without question that the person you are speaking to is also invited, do not mention it….Do not mention it within earshot of others, not because you are trying to keep things from anyone, but because it is quite rude.

Also remember the rest of the rules that your aforementioned parental unit, guardian and so forth hopefully taught you…You are in someone’s home, treat it respectfully. Thank them for the invitation. Behave in a way that is likely to get you invited back. If you do bring someone with you, you are responsible for their actions. If you are unsure of how to behave, watch those around you…Model your behavior after those whom you admire and you’re unlikely to go wrong.

If you are fairly new to the community, too, bear in mind that many in the community have had parties over the years, had open houses, have done their share already. They would almost certainly be glad to have new people open their homes as well. Do not feel as though you would be presumptuous by having a party of your own, though it it is often a good idea to sound it out to those who are active in the community. If you have never hosted a party yourself, do not complain when there are no parties available to suit you. If you think there should be parties, be the one who opens your home. Doing that a few times will make you appreciate the effort involved in doing so.

Personally, way back in the pre-pandemic days, when I took anyone new to a play party, I would inform them precisely what is expected and allowed, and what is not. I tell them that nudity is likely and that, while respectful admiration from a polite distance is fine, drooling like an animated wolf is not.

For the most part, complimenting the Top on their submissive is usually safe…And although this “should” go without saying, to paraphrase the Farmer’s commercial, “I know a thing or two, because I have seen a thing or two, one does not say, “Your sub has a great ass,”. Saying, “You have such a lovely submissive.” is by far more appropriate.

I make it clear that they are not to touch anything that does not belong to them, whether it is a thing or a person, without express permission. If you really want to look at those earrings in the light, ask the Top in the relationship if you may touch them, or get close enough for a good look. If the person is wearing the earrings is unaccompanied, ask them directly. If the answer is, “I’m sorry, my Master/Mistress doesn’t allow that,” accept the information courteously and go on.

Always remember…

JUST BECAUSE A PERSON IDENTIFIES AS A SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM, THEY ARE NOT YOUR SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM

It is inappropriate to expect anyone else to wait on you or defer to you in any way other than what normal courtesy demands. While you may be a Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, King, Queen or whatever your proposed honorific you have, you are not master of all you survey. You will garner much more respect by behaving courteously and pleasantly to everyone, regardless of their gender or identification within the community. It is perfectly acceptable, however, to allow someone to get you something if they offer.

It is called a play party because you are likely to see people playing. By and large, those of us who play in public do so because we enjoy it. We are exhibitionists as well as voyeurs. If people are playing, you may watch. You may plop yourself down on the couch, in fact, and watch with laser focused attention, and not be considered rude. You will be considered rude if you interrupt the scene except in case of emergency (“Pardon me, the house is on fire…”) would be an appropriate moment to interrupt for example.

Do not talk to the people in the scene unless they speak to you first. Do not talk loudly to your companions. As a guide, behave as though you are watching a performance at a theater. It is appropriate to lean to the person sitting beside you and whisper something in his or her ear, but it is inappropriate to speak to the actors and/or disturb the performance.

If you need to leave the room, do so quietly and wait for a break in the action, if possible. If people seem to want privacy, if they’ve retreated to a private area, if they have closed a door, do not intrude. Sexual acts may or may not occur around you or in front of you. Before participating in them yourself with your partner, make sure you know what the house rules are.

There are usually separate areas at a party for socializing and for playing. Please respect those segregations…Do not engage in a full fledged conversation about who did what on the CW with your best friend in the play area while others are playing…Do not decide that the buffet table is precisely the right height for a spanking bench. If you are a newcomer, it is usually a nice courtesy to ask the host before using equipment. Smoking of cigarettes is usually allowed only outside at most parties. Check with the host if you are unsure, but be prepared for that response.

As you enter a community, too, bear in mind that many of the people around you may have known each other a long time, may have played together, and may have shared intimacies of which you are unaware. There are likely a number of relationship and power dynamics you don’t recognize that nonetheless exist. The people you meet may seem to you, as a newcomer, to be very physically intimate with each other, or very casual about physical contact or nudity, particularly when compared to vanilla groups. That is usually an inaccurate perception. Simply because while I might be welcome to hug that cute, scantly-clad little female submissive, never assume that you are…Because I have that person’s Master’s/Mistresses permission to see her new hood piercing does not mean you do, too. Perhaps I have her Master’s/Mistresses permission because I have known them for a period of time, perhaps I knew the submissive before the Master himself did, and perhaps that submissive is sometimes submissive to me as well. Simply because that person may hug me, do not assume that they are comfortable hugging you, too. Allow people to become comfortable around you, recognize that you are a newcomer in an existing community that already has a number of complicated relationships in place.

Once again, what you see at parties is a private matter among those who were there, as is the identity of others within the community. It is inappropriate to discuss the party in front of others who were not invited, it is inappropriate to disclose what you may know about those who either attended or hosted it. A trust in your ability to be confidential, to be discreet in terms of what you may see or hear or know will also go a long way towards your acceptance within a community.

If you are unsure what is appropriate at a party…Ask.

Ask the host of the party, ask someone whom you respect in the community, ask the person(s) involved. And ask before you commit the faux pas that gives you a reputation as a wannabe or an asshole or that bitch.

Reputations can be hard to shake. If you do something that you realize was inappropriate, adult up and apologize. The only apology which ever hurts one’s reputation is the one that was owed but not spoken or acknowledged.

The post What to Expect From a Play Party? appeared first on Free the Kink.

Some of us were taught, that because strong emotions like anger or sorrow are difficult to see or make others uncomfortable we should cover them up. Whether this was explained to us directly or was introduced subtly, through a culture of emotional repression, depends upon the circumstances of our upbringings.

Regardless, the effects can still be clearly seen any time someone covers their face to cry or looks away in anger or disappointment.

Being repeatedly shunned from expressing emotion can have a very detrimental effect on a person’s emotional well being…Especially when trying to maintain a healthy relationship, it is important that you do not contribute to that detriment. If your Dom feels comfortable enough to show strong emotions around you, do not deride them for it. Show compassion.

Note, though, that this does not mean you should ever let someone take their anger out on you.

A dynamic where one person enacts their anger on another is not healthy people. It can hinder the personal development of both parties and foster the potential for abuse.

While you should not stick around if someone is taking their anger out on you, as long as your Dominant is not projecting, misdirecting, displacing, or blaming their emotions on you, it may probably be safe to stay and hear them out about it. Showing compassion for their feelings means being fully present and using your kindness and understanding to help them through their process. If you have been through something similar, your compassion might include empathy for their emotional state. You might show them kindness and deference because you remember what experiencing that feeling is like.

However, if you do not know what they are going through based on your own personal experience, try to listen to what their experience of it is like. Allow them to express to you exactly what part of the event which transpired instigated this emotion the most. The “straw that broke the camel’s back” for them may very well be quite different from what it would have been for you.

Everyone has different values. Emotional pain often comes from that which assaults your highest values the most belligerently. So by listening to your Dominant’s perspective is crucial to understanding both their feelings and values.

While you are listening, keep one thing in mind…Submissives tend to want to serve and fix things when things are off. If the Dominant is conflicted, hurt, or saddened about something, chances are a submissive’s first instinct will be to fix it.

As hard as it is, remember that you do not have to come up with solutions or advice on the spot. It is hard to produce meaningful and helpful advice under pressure. Furthermore, that might not even be what the Dominant is looking for.

Some people find it relieving to vent about emotional issues…It takes a weight off of them, but in doing so, they are not always expecting the person listening to swoop in and fix their problems. They might feel cornered by such a proactive approach like they are being forced to act quickly. In the worst cases, they may feel put off by swift solutions or find this “fix everything” approach by the listener to be controlling, confrontative, or pushy. Some people like to sit with their problems in order to experience them, vent, and process them before managing them. This helps them weigh their decisions about how to proceed.

It can be difficult to know if you are being vented to for the sake of emotional venting or for the sake of problem solving. If you are not sure what your Dominant expects, when they vent to you, ask…Politely ask if they are looking to get the issue off their chest, or, if they are looking for help choosing the best course of action. Having the answer to that question will help you best serve them, in the way they prefer, with the current issue.

While these options help with Dominants who are expressing emotion, it is also worth mentioning that one should try to show even more compassion when your Dominant tries to hide emotion. Your Dominant may exhibit emotional restraint…This maybe their personality, or maybe they are hesitant to open up. Whatever the case, if you show that it is safe to express emotion around you, they are more likely to feel more comfortable about it in the future.

Showing compassion in their times of emotional conflict will help them see you in a trustworthy light. It will strengthen your connection with them and improve your communication. Remember: communication is half expressive, half receptive. Even if you were to only work on your listening skills, you would still be improving your communication.

The post Emotions appeared first on Free the Kink.

/founˈdāSH(ə)n/

(noun)

an underlying basis or principle.

Heyyy, y’all! E/every one of U/us can agree that O/our Thing has evolved through the years. What W/we can NOT seem to agree on is if all of the changes are good ones or not lol. So let’s take a look at a few things that will NEVER change, shall W/we? this girl was taught some “Essential Guidelines of BDSM” during her training and they remain VERY important in her journey.

1. Be Self Aware. This means knowledge of self. Y/you should know what Y/your basic needs, intentions, limitations, etc are. What side (maybe even both) of the slash You are on. Be prepared to ask as well as answer questions. ALWAYS be willing to learn. Education is a major component of O/our Thing because safety is critical. So is doing constant Self Assessment and always being willing and able to process everything W/we experience.
2. Be HONEST. This one would seem self explanatory! But some of U/us still operate under the assumption that deceit and manipulation are perfectly fine. Nah, boo boo…lying Y/your way in and/or out of Dynamics affects ALL of U/us. If word gets out that someone is not to be trusted, some will retreat. Others might join the “BS Train” and decide that dishonesty works for them. O/others might explore why T/they or the other folks chose dishonesty and deceit; which leads back to increasing knowledge of self. Bottom line…be honest. Demand honesty from E/everyone in Y/your orbit. That strengthens the entire community.
3. Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission; whether it be a toy, tool or person. E V E R . It will end badly.
4. Be Respectful. Another self explanatory one, right? Yeah, not so much. So often there are folks who move throughout their Communities like bulls in a China shop; without regard for anything but themselves. T/they approach folks with no respect for T/their dynamics. They are rude, condescending, judgey, shamey, stubborn, negative, abrasive, arrogant, ignorant to name a few. And T/their lack of respect for anyone or anything can become a roadblock to the growth of O/others. O/our Thing can be difficult enough to navigate already; add in a disrespectful person and Chaos is the result. Of course, if W/we take the time to educate and redirect T/them, E/everyone will learn and grow from it. That is the ideal but not often the reality.
5. Consent is Critical. This is because BDSM play often pushes more personal boundaries and involves play that may be uncomfortable, painful or even dangerous. More detail about this will be in a subsequent post. Stay tuned.
6. Without trust, nothing meaningful happens. Building trust takes time. The amount of time varies due to, well, life. W/we all have different perspectives, personalities, experiences and expectations. How do W/we build trust? Be honest. Honor O/our commitments. Admit when W/we are wrong. Communicate effectively. Be vulnerable. Be helpful. Show people that W/we care. Be present.
7. Talk, Dangit! Being mysterious and elusive is sometimes considered intriguing. But not when W/we are trying to get to know people and/or learn. Communication is essential. W/we need to be willing and able to tell O/others about O/ourselves. W/we need to be able to convey O/our thoughts and emotions. Give and receive feedback. Teach, learn and grow. How many of U/us know what type of communication style W/we use in certain situations? A few things to ponder as we navigate through O/our journeys.
8. NEVER STOP LEARNING. EVER. There is so much going on in O/our Thing that there is not one person who knows EVERYTHING. So W/we must keep researching and educating O/ourselves always.
9. Don’t be an A-hole. Be kind, considerate, approachable and authentic. Don’t demean, shame, humilate and/or judge A/anyone unless it’s their Kink.
10. Take Y/your journey seriously. No matter how Y/you do whatever Y/you do, be prepared, safe, knowledgeable and realistic. Be an example to O/others.

Wayyyy back then, this girl was thinking, “It doesn’t matter what others think!” And to an extent that is true. However sometimes W/we cannot control who is watching U/us. Especially if W/we are active in O/our Communities. this girl was and is still reminded of another essential thing….Mindfulness. Mindful of the fact that while all of these essentials are applicable in every aspect of O/our lives, they are even more important in O/our Thing. this girl is grateful for the Pillars of BDSM (Respect, Honesty, Trust and Communication) being clearly broken down for her before she was even allowed to “get her hands dirty” so to speak. Because once she did…it “hit different.”

Bottom line…while O/our Thing evolves and changes, it helps if W/we all have a foundation of essential guidelines that W/we take along with U/us on O/our journeys to keep us grounded and focused, right?

~ His Duchess

The post “A Firm Foundation” appeared first on Free the Kink.

For the sake of comparison, my ex and I used to fight almost constantly; slamming doors, yelling, cursing, the whole bit. I guess that Dahlia and I are blessed to be able to talk about things without the need to yell or bottle them up until they burst.

Not everyone is so lucky though, so how should you handle arguments in a D/s relationship?

First of all, do not run away from the conflict. If you dump someone just because of conflict you will constantly be searching for a perfect partner and none will ever exist. Resolving conflicts in relationships is a very valuable life skill to develop. You need to learn to work on the problem and strive to come up with solutions that meet the needs of the relationship together.  I know you have heard this before, but the only person you can change is you. The only attitude you can change is yours. You cannot make someone else change for you…No matter how badly you want them to. (Yes, even in a D/s relationship where a submissive is learning new behaviors, they are doing it because they want to do it, just for different reasons.)

Tempers flare in an argument. Take a moment to go to your proverbial corners to cool off before facing the problem. You will never resolve the issue if you cannot think and talk about it calmly and really listen to the other person.

Take a moment and brainstorm 10 ways you can cool off and regain your composure. Consider the following: make a cup of coffee or tea, take a short walk, step outside and look up into the sky, take 5 long, deep breaths, read a favorite poem or quote, close your eyes for a moment and count to 10, write in a journal and then come back together to work out the problem.

You should always approach problems as equal partners, even if D/s is the issue. Maintaining roles will just get in the way of progress in conflict resolution. Even those of us in 24/7 type relationships can recognize when being Dominant and submissive will not make things easy.

Drop your idea that one of you is the Dominant and the other is the submissive and look to each other as partners in a relationship.

Another tactic that you may have heard is to use the “I” statement as opposed to the “You” statements. “I messages” are a tool for expressing how you feel without attacking or blaming. By starting with “I” you take responsibility for the way you perceive the problem.

This is in sharp contrast to “you messages” which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, “You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message” comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

Coming up with solutions together will help you realize that there are probably several ways to solve your problem. When you can decide on a compromise together it will strengthen your resolve to make it work.

Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

1. Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
2. No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
3. Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner

• From Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

Forgive or Thank Them…A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure. Just saying thank you at the end of a conflict, or acknowledging the person for working things out sends a message of conciliation and gratitude. We preserve our relationships this way, strengthening our connections and working through problems that arise.

The post Handling Arguments appeared first on Free the Kink.

One of the many things those of us that are into Power Exchange relationships, or as I like to call it, Authority Exchange Dynamics, is the beauty of ones service to their Dominant. Service comes in many shapes and sizes, but regardless of the service type, most submissives that I know, do it out of love, and show their service from their heart. Now, does this mean there are exchanges that do not involve the heart? Yes, actually, it does. There are many ways to be in service without loving your Dominant, and many ways to accept service without loving your submissive. But, today, we are going to discuss a few things that transcends all forms of service; something that we all enjoy seeing, watching and smiling at… “The Positions of Service. “

There are many different avenues that teach many different positions of the submissive. One example is the Leather slave positions. Another is the Gorean slave positions. Yet another, is the common submissive positions. I’m sure there are many others from different countries that even have more, or adjusted positions for their Houses or families. To each their own. There is no right or wrong way to hold these positions. The importance lies with the Dominant as to whether he/she/they finds joy in the positioning of their charge or not. Ultimately, at the end of the day, when the candles burn low, this is all about beauty and pleasure. Whatever is deemed beautiful, pleasurable, and desirable is what’s important. With that said however, there are certain positions that mean certain things IF one is to go into a party with like-minded people. There are universal positions that speak to people that are able to hear and see them. Today we are going to discuss 2 different positions that will be required of the Gorean slave if they are ever at a Gorean’s House or event. These positions tell everyone in the room exactly what you are and where in the night you may be. The first position, the most common, is named “Tower”.

Tower- In wait for service

The slave kneels, only things are kept modestly together, palms are down on their thighs. Chest out, shoulders back, back straight, head and eyes down. Hair, if braided should be worn on the right side. Slaves are not available for use in service when in this position. One always kneels before a Freewoman (a non s type woman), in Tower unless told to do so otherwise. We do this to show respect, as a Freewoman may or may not wish to see the “treasure” between ones thighs.

Nadu- Also called the Position of the Pleasure slave

slaves seeing their Master snap their fingers, point to a place, turn their hand and spread index and second finger pointing down, have been commanded to Nadu and should move to the place pointed to.

This is another beginning position. A slave will also spend most of their time in this position.

Kneeling, head held high, eyes lowered, knees spread wide open, shoulder kept back, keeping the back straight, chest thrust outward. Hands lie on the thighs, fingers together, palms facing upwards, slightly cupped.

Sometimes per Master’s choice, hands are crossed behind the back.

The hands are faced upward to show a silent way of expressing need, helplessness and a desire to please. It is a silent signal of a slave’s desire for their Master.

Every aspect of this position means something. Do not overlook the importance of knowing the “Whys” of each aspect. We can tell whether you understand the meaning behind the position, or if you are just putting on a veneer. Trust us Old Masters. We always know.

So, as you can see , in just two positions, there is much we can learn. To quiet the slave or submissive’s mind and allow the position to wash over them, to beat in their heart. The pride of the Master or Dominant in seeing their charge in their beauty artistry of these positions. The pride in the submissive or slave to know they have been found pleasing to the ones that mean the most to them.

If you would like, I give you Homework to practice these two positions. Practice at home in front of a mirror. Practice at home in front of your Dominant. Practice over a webcam to your LDR Dom. Whichever works best for you. Try to figure out the whys when you see yourself. Think about it. Learn your body. Discover, discover, discover!

I wish for you the best of luck, love, happiness, and wholeness in your path, and always remember to Quiet the Mind, and you shall feel your being. Use your being to discover yourself.

I loved you before I even knew you.

Yil,

Castar Daemon
Caste of Slavers

Part two shall be , “What do we do when we are older, or have a disability and cannot physically do these positions?” Don’t you fret. I have the answers you are seeking.

The post In Position Part 1: In Service appeared first on Free the Kink.